accountability | june 7th – 12th

since i have a wedding to go to tomorrow,
i’m gonna take the day off.
accountability starts now so leggoo…

POSITIVES

still getting unemployment.
no backpay,
but i’m emotionally drained from the whole situation.

i had to take a covid test for the wedding.
i thought the process was gonna be extra,
but it was painless.
my results came back negative as they should.

the foxhole really enjoyed the “pretty dudes” web series.
i really like bringing cool shit to the foxhole.
i can’t wait to do more!

i may be doing something exciting in the world of series creation later on this year.
keeping my fingers crossed.

i put my face on my twitter default.
new year; who dis?

i really enjoy writing about mental and emotional health.
it feels good that folks will lay down their burdens in comments and dms as well.
it helps me not feel so alone and stick around in this world.

the first and second season of insecure’s soundtrack has been speaking to me.
i’ve had it on repeat for this past week.
it’s creating a vibe i can’t explain.

NEGATIVES

i had one day i was feeling real moody.
everything was going wrong that i gave the day to God.
i felt like i was in an emotional washing machine and couldn’t figure out why.
i kinda feel that way today.

i had a falling out with my straight home-wolf.
he is always there for me,
but he is annoying at times when it comes to his unstable ways.

i’m tired of being this shoulder to his continuous toxic behavior.

my face has been doing so good,
but as soon as i gotta go to a wedding,
it explodes in pimples.
like,
wtf?

i have been ignoring my tax situation.
it is a lot tbh.
the backpay they owe me will pay that,
but no one is answering their phone so…

sometimes i feel lonely or not as outing as others,
but i have to accept the drama that is my social anxiety.
my therapist and i are working on it.
i’d love to do more this summer.

i keep pushing back the call to have with my sister because i’m not ready.
i’m forcing myself to talk to her when i’m not ready.

this comment from jason bourne under ( x the prison break ) entry made me sad,
but its a hard truth:

I think a big part is the (too often) lack of brotherhood. Often, our close friends are straight ppl (for most, women). We hit the 30s, they start getting married and starting families, and we end up out on a limb because real life happens.

We normalize trauma because it starts at such an early age for us. We just deal, instead of heal. Gay men often enter rooms more focused on making sure no one can drag them, instead of having a good time and maybe making a friend. It’s a whole unfortunate clusterfuk!

Gay men HAVE to get into therapy. The best advice my therapist gave me was to forgive myself. When I tell you, that shit hit hard man!!! Still beating myself up internally for bad decisions I made as a dumb 28 yr old in love, at 38, is not it!

Please keep posting on mental and emotional health man. Gay men are more than just thirsty, straight IG/onlyfans money throwers, even if we don’t believe it at times.

i think this is why i’m kinda over being too mixxy in the “straight” forests.
it is like a big ass torture chamber.
seeing males you are really attracted to and the connections they have can ruin you.
it really brings forth your trauma and sadness.

in reality,
the gay forests can be a different kind of torture chamber too.

—–

i really enjoy doing this every week.
it’s helping me find clarity and release.
hoping for a blessed & lucky upcoming week.

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