the fear of black males

i had to been about 9.
around that age,
one of my best friends was a black cub i met at church.
we were like legit best friends.
even though i was different than his other friends,
he appreciated me for me.
i remember his crib was the spot everyone would go to.
all the parties happened at this particular crib.
i would sleep over there regularly in the summer.
one evening,
his cousins came over and ended up sleeping over.
one of his cousins was cool and a damn pro at “street fighter“.
i noticed he would rub my head periodically.
it was weird,
but most straights are weird tho.
since there was no room in my best friend’s bedroom,
i had to sleep in the living room with best friend.
he was on the couch; i was on the floor.
the next morning,
i woke up and he was already gone.
i figured everyone had resumed playing “street fighter”.
it was like slow motion walking to that bedroom.
i’ll never forget it what i heard…

“yo did he rape you on that couch?”
“i think he is gay.”
“did he “hadoken” in that bootyhole?”

his cousins and his brother were on the smear campaign.
i was trying to figure out what i did to get slandered so bad.
all i was doing was being myself.
i thought they embraced me.
i was shocked his brother switched up on me too.
my best friend was trying his best to defend me,
but they would not let up.
my emotional ass turned tf back around,
went back to the floor,
and started to cry.
when his sister came downstairs,
i cut that crying shit out quick.
she saw me on the floor and asked why i was there.

You can sleep in our room. – she said.

for the rest of that weekend,
i spent it in his sister’s room.
i wasn’t in there acting like a girl or anything,
but it was the safest place i felt.
i learned so much about music from those two.
they had all the good cds.
after that weekend,
i never went back to that crib again.
after that weekend,
my best friend and i went in two different directions.
he slowly started to drift away as i did.
to this day,
i’m still cool with his sisters.
one still check in on me to see how i’m doing.
that experience is still one of the moments in my life i’ll never forget.
i learned again that being “myself” was a problem

——–

i’m attracted to black males.
physically.
sexually.
mentally.
they’ll always be my first choice,
but i’ve realized i have a fear of most black males.
96% of them always bullied and treated me like shit.
i’m painfully awkward around many of them,
but i’m confident af around black vixens.
this came from a convo i was having with one of the foxholers today.
they fonted to me in dms:

“the fact i have this everlasting fear of black men,
but this eternal admiration and love for black men.”

that has felt like my life.
i want to change that tho.
honestly,
i’m not comfortable around most males and it shows in my energy.
the only males i feel comfortable with are the ones in the foxhole.
outside of this outlet,
i want to give males the same energy as i do vixens.
i could be missing out on some great love (or dick).
i might be hating the ones from my past,
but carrying it on to other black males in my present.
i’m not being “myself” because i’m so guarded.
i’d like to change that way of thinking tbh.
breakthrough coming.

lowkey: i didn’t interacted with white males that much.
is it wrong to font a majority of them,
who aren’t racist scum bags,
allow you to be yourself?

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

37 thoughts on “the fear of black males

  1. I can’t definitely relate. I’ve had people smile In my face and later ask others was I gay. So I’m the same way guarded like a mug. But we’ll be alright we have to just be open and safe. Love will come our way 💯

    1. ^and it makes you think YOU are the problem.
      it makes you try to fit in and be something you aren’t.

      i’ve been picked apart my whole life for being “me”.
      i was always different and deep down,
      i knew that and hated myself for it.

  2. Story of my life!
    I’m so reclusive and bitter sometimes towards them its so hard for me to change, I’m taking one day at a time, but any little hint of ignorance can trigger me!

  3. Story of my life, being a nerd & attracted to other males growing up in Louisiana was a no go. I was basically a loner my whole childhood. I had a best friend in high school until he started hanging with the cool people & didn’t want to be seen with me anymore. It’s kind of weird I can’t even look black males in the eye when I talk to them because the way I have been treated my whole life.

    On another note in my experience straight black males be jokingly asking if someone’s gay but they really be trying to find out for themselves. Later you end up getting that dm talking about wassup. 😂

    1. ^im so glad this resonated with some of the foxhole.
      i needed to vent about it after some things that have been happening lately.
      i don’t want to feel like a loner anymore.
      i’m seriously on this quest to push myself to the limits.

      thanks for everyone who shared and will share their stories

    2. ^and i agree.

      most of the “straights” are curious,
      but play the role because they are OD masculine.
      times have changed and more are experimenting.
      i need to get my shit in order because i wanna be open with my energy

    3. I’ve seriously had that happen a few times in my life. @jamarifox Can we get a topic on this (straight men inquiring about who is gay to try to get at them)?

  4. I wonder how many of us have had the same experience as a child? Being put in situations and conversations or having images projected onto you that had no business being apart of because you were just a CHILD. I cant wait to continue therapy to start unpacking all this and just be better for myself and my future family.

    1. ^deep.

      like,
      they were a little older than us.
      he made me out to be this monster.
      that really hurt my feelings.
      they took a game that i loved and associated it with something perverted and nasty.

      when i tell you i’ll never forget that experience.
      it’s one of the few reasons i’m not comfortable with other males.

  5. this resonnated with me alot. if i wrote this article the title ld be “I fear and don’t trust black males”. I grew up in cameroon and my whole life, they made me feel like there was something wrong with me, that i was a monster too. At one point of my life i despised them.
    I am a black male, so it was hard not to see myself in them and as a consequence not to despise myself too.

    but with maturity, it is getting better. I stil have a hard time trusting them and feeling safe around them

  6. I wouldn’t say that I have a fear of black men, but I generally distance myself from straight black men. In school I was either the dude who you wanted to be friends with (tall, good looking & well dressed) because the girls liked me, or I was that guy who you hated on for that same reason.

    But I eventually started getting the gay rumours in school and it’s horrible because once people start calling you gay then you really cant shake off those rumours at that point. Perception of reality is reality for many. It was black straight men who I used to hang with at the time who mainly spread those rumours about me. Once school was over I decided to distance myself from straight black men because of their general obsession with hyper-masculinity and homophobia. I didn’t want to feel that “pressured” to act a certain way anymore so I decided just to roll on my own, which then introduced to me social anxiety & upped my introverted personality.

    I don’t like feeling this way because I know not all straight black men are the same and I don’t like pushing people away but I guess that’s just me putting my guard up and running back to my safety net. Because black men are generally raised to be homophobic, many of them feel comfortable saying homophobic remarks whenever they talk to their friends or any black man they meet because they expect you to be homophobic too. Which is a shame.

    I don’t really have a lot of experiences with non-black male friends because my school was predominantly black but I generally don’t force friendships with non-blacks that much either because many of them are subconsciously anti-black and look down on black people based on how they were raised. So as you can imagine I don’t really have a close circle of friends. My closest friends are gay but since I’m introverted, I don’t mind my own company for the most part.

    I just feel like if you want to hang with straight black men, you have to numb yourself & get used to all the casual homophobia that tends to occur in conversations and I really don’t have time for that. Oh and I don’t go to barbershops either, I cut my own hair thanks to YouTube teaching me how to do a mean fade lol. I mainly did that because cutting hair looks like something that we all can learn if we really wanted to, rather than me paying to go to the barbers every week my frugal ass decided to save my own money.

    But I digress

  7. Mine is the opposite. I was attracted to them when I was younger. I’m mixed. I was bullied very severely by them. Now that I’m a man, I feel completely fine around them and can look anyone in the eye. However, my attraction to them completely disappeared. I kept trying to date them but everytime I kissed one, I feel absolutely NOTHING. I wonder if the bullying had something to do with it. I rarely RARELY see a black guy I am attracted to now or interested in.

    1. I’m not going to be that guy that says “you just haven’t met a good one. “. I would bet money that the bullying took a heavy toll on you. Growing up black guys could be fucking cruel to people who were different for any reason. I really didn’t start to find black guys attractive until I was like 16. Before that I was into skater white boys lol.

      I am curious about the rare black guys that you do find attractive.

      1. I agree. I think the bullying took a very heavy toll on me subconsciously. I was terrified of them growing up but also found them incredibly sexy. I was only attracted to them. It stopped after middle school. Occasionally I was still attracted but it competely dissipated after high school for some reason. I LOVE dark skin black men. Like midnight. I’m not into celebrities like that, but guys like: Trevante Rhodes(of course) or Daniel Kaluuya. Guys like that. I like them masculine. Or really light skin. I don’t like brown black guys for some reason. Like, growing up I thought the big dark guy in SILK was extremely sexy. Guys like that.

      2. Like, I was in love with Morris Chestnut for YEARS. Also, forever bae is Richard T. Jones. What a dream.

  8. I would say definitely try again. I had the same experience and gravitated to white guys in middle and high school, but believe me, they have their own set of issues (not including racism). White people tend to have hardcore rebellion phases which can make them come off more accepting, but with that there can also be hidden judgement that seeps through the cracks.

    Funnily enough, I ended up not being comfortable around a lot of straight girls, they picked on me the worst.

    1. Oh I totally agree. All I’ve dated are white guys even though I would love a latino or any ethnicity over white but for some reason it has never worked out. Their racism is always there. Always lurking below the surface.

  9. You sound like me. Its still the same way as i am a 40 year old man. They smile in your face one minute and tear you down the next. I don’t know why it’s such a blow to be characterized as gay tho. I think it hurts my feelings that people are able to spot me out. Lol

    But i am equally (if not more) uncomfortable around the foxhole. I have no local friends. It’s hard to let your guard down around some because they do the most and i don’t want my sexuality to always be something me and other talk about. There’s more to me than just what i like to sleep with

  10. How many gay black men experience some degree of anxiety when entering a crowded Black Barber Shop? Or any environment where hyper masculinity and homophobia is second nature?

    *raises hand*

    If you’re not mentally affected by those environments then congrats for you! The reality is most of us are. We force ourselves to MUTE the gay side of our being in order to access a “stress free” life, but we end up causing more stress than we eliminated.

    As kids we had little choice about the homophobic environments we were thrusted into, but as adults we can choose to distance ourselves from toxic straight black men who find us disgusting. If you’re reading this plz know that I love you, and it’s alright to love yourself.

    1. *raises hand* I definitely need a black gay therapist in my life who can help me unpack my teenage years. I feel out of place around the straights and the gays. I feel like black women just see me as the token gay tagalong. I actually feel safer around other races. Sad truth.

      1. I know of very good Black gay therapists in a few cities, and can attest to the good they do. I had one help me with various psychological blocks. I feel most comfortable around Black people, though, especially Black women of whatever sexuality and other Black gay people.

        1. if you know of any in the DMV please let me know. Don’t get it twisted I can be around anybody and be ok but I would like to feel a deeper connection with other black gay males. The straights don’t really bother me but at the same time we don’t really relate unless we talking about other things outside of the usual guy talk. I have plenty of friends and I’m very outgoing just to be clear lmao

  11. I had a similar experience but the issue was race. The summer between 2nd and third grade race became an issue because all the friends at my private school left for the summer and came back to the school in the fall and everything was Nword this and Nword that at my school. Being one of only two black students in the entire school I was devastated. Also being at the school solely because I tested well, and not because my parents were rich didn’t help. No more sleepovers and birthdays, I wasn’t even invited. The year before everything was fine. To a child this was like some kind of trauma. I didn’t have the same issue with sexual identity because well I wasn’t sexual until High school when I started having girlfriends. I didn’t even look at dudes like that or have feelings towards guys until something happened in college. I’m sure there is the whole born this way/choice debate. Growing up we knew of some dudes that acted differently but I don’t recall any teasing or anything. We was all poor in my neighborhood so I don’t think that mattered to any of the dudes in my area. Basically there were much bigger issues. Most of what you experienced is a form of deflection because they probably were fearful they saw some side of themselves in your behavior (or perceived behavior) or they were acting out to reassure their peers that they weren’t leaning in that direction. Classic homophobia. You have to remember to some in the black community being at all queer is worst than death. This is a bigger issue that needs to be addressed. That’s why there needs to be better representation targeted towards the black community. Example if falcon from the Marvel movies was LGBTQ and a positive role model for that, can you imagine what an effect that would have on black boys? Right now unfortunately the larger black community as a whole has an awful impression of what it means to be a black gay man. They don’t see all the regular men that are. They see over the top flamboyant characters on TV and movies and think that’s all that exists.

  12. I grew up around my mother. My father didn’t have time for me. Not to mention I resented him for beating my mother. My 3 brothers left the house and didn’t look back. So it’s no wonder I picked up her mannerisms. I never had a male role model. I’ve never told her, but now I recognize the times she tried to prevent it and I am grateful.

    I learned in life that when I wasn’t masculine enough for the black males in my family they ignored me. When I wasn’t masculine enough for friends they ghosted me. So I stopped getting attached to people that would drop me faster than a hot potato and learned to mask it.

    Shame turned into hatred and anger in my late teen years. I hated the entire culture. These black males wouldn’t accept me because of something I didn’t know and couldn’t control. Something so petty. I’d just ignore them.

    Now as a young, educated adult I have rationality and logic. I lived in a predominantly black neighborhood. Black men have a history of being demasculinized so masculinity is going to be more important to some of us. Even now I’m insanely attracted to black men, but I still feel this fear around them and can never let my guard down.

  13. White men don’t allow you to be yourself. They just don’t have as much pressure on them to be G.I. Joe. So they’re not expecting you to be anything you’re not.

    Black men who are uncomfortable with themselves, with project. When you’re around educated Black guys, they feel competition and don’t welcome you. I get more love from Biracial Black guys who look Black and guys who aren’t Black, but can’t pass for White.

    And it sounds to me like the cousin who rubbed your head felt you would speak up. It’s sad that that conversations sounds like it could have happened today.

    However, with the biracial guys, eventually an ignorant joke that isn’t funny about Black stereotypes will come up. I was walking up to one and he turned around and made a joke about thinking that I had a gun because all Black guys have a gun on them. With men getting gunned down, don’t know how that was funny.

    The ones who aren’t Black and look ethnic when they get too comfortable, start making fun of other Black people around me.

    So quite frankly to fit in, you have to “pretend you’re not like those other Black people”. I refuse to. So I’ll wait until I meet the comfortable Black man. He always seems to exist far away and not near me.

  14. These testimonies are very moving, so thank you to everyone for sharing.

    From a very young age I have always bonded with girls, especially Black girls. To this day I feel a special bond with Black women, whatever their sexuality, though I feel closest to Black lesbians. Some of my worst experiences have been with White women, though I do have White female friends. But growing up one of the first people to call me a “faggot” was a white girl, and when I told her I’d kick her ass, they nearly threw me out of camp.

    I have had my ups and downs with straight Black men, and was bullied by some of them, but to this day, I am most attracted to other Black men, especially gay and bi Black men. I find Black men the most beautiful men out there, and am happily with one.

    I also realized at a certain point that it was possible to have straight Black male friends, and have a number of good straight black male friends but I also picked up that it was crucial to *come out* ASAP with them–and be clear there was zero sexual or romantic interest. Once we got past that and I checked any homophobia from them, things have been very good, and all have been supportive of me as a Black gay man. Lord knows, I support their BS with women and their children–and nearly ALL of them have kids.

    I love my fellow Black gay men. My closest friends who aren’t Black women are Black gay men. Even with the drama sometimes, I still love them. I feel most free and able to be myself when I am mostly with Black gay and bi people. I urge every Black gay person to find a space or event where having this experience is possible. It’s life-affirming.

    When it comes to being in a room with random straight Black men in the US, I do sometimes feel fear. And the wacko homophobia that some of them spew and propagate can be sickening, though I have heard just as bad from white men and latino guys. With white men (and white latinos), you get racism thrown in for good measure, which I have zero time for.

  15. I have struggled with relating with black males and blacks, in general, all of my life. Like another poster, I was nerdy and hung around white dudes in high school and college. I was made fun by people of color, so I am not 100% trusting at this point. I have to accept the fact that I will be single the rest of my life. I have participated in the black gay experience, but never felt at home. I may need to seek therapy myself to deal with the issues.

  16. Men in general have gay tendencies regardless if they act upon them or not. During some period in life they do began to wonder how would it be too deal with another man. Curiosity will make them look at an attractive guy wondering if he is gay or not. I have had guys that would approach me and ask what are you looking for. So I haven’t had but one bad experience with a black guy. I found out later he crazy. It was a horrible experience.

  17. I did not expect that while reading it. There is nothing like an unexpected pain or being blindsided by people you considered friends or family. Sorry you had to experience that. I am new blogger and I will follow you and I hope you’ll do the same.

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