i had to been about 9.
around that age,
one of my best friends was a black cub i met at church.
we were like legit best friends.
even though i was different than his other friends,
he appreciated me for me.
i remember his crib was the spot everyone would go to.
all the parties happened at this particular crib.
i would sleep over there regularly in the summer.
his cousins came over and ended up sleeping over.
one of his cousins was cool and a damn pro at “street fighter“.
i noticed he would rub my head periodically.
it was weird,
but most straights are weird tho.
since there was no room in my best friend’s bedroom,
i had to sleep in the living room with best friend.
he was on the couch; i was on the floor.
the next morning,
i woke up and he was already gone.
i figured everyone had resumed playing “street fighter”.
it was like slow motion walking to that bedroom.
i’ll never forget it what i heard…
“yo did he rape you on that couch?”
“i think he is gay.”
“did he “hadoken” in that bootyhole?”
his cousins and his brother were on the smear campaign.
i was trying to figure out what i did to get slandered so bad.
all i was doing was being myself.
i thought they embraced me.
i was shocked his brother switched up on me too.
my best friend was trying his best to defend me,
but they would not let up.
my emotional ass turned tf back around,
went back to the floor,
and started to cry.
when his sister came downstairs,
i cut that crying shit out quick.
she saw me on the floor and asked why i was there.
“You can sleep in our room.“ – she said.
for the rest of that weekend,
i spent it in his sister’s room.
i wasn’t in there acting like a girl or anything,
but it was the safest place i felt.
i learned so much about music from those two.
they had all the good cds.
after that weekend,
i never went back to that crib again.
after that weekend,
my best friend and i went in two different directions.
he slowly started to drift away as i did.
to this day,
i’m still cool with his sisters.
one still check in on me to see how i’m doing.
that experience is still one of the moments in my life i’ll never forget.
i learned again that being “myself” was a problem…
i’m attracted to black males.
they’ll always be my first choice,
but i’ve realized i have a fear of most black males.
96% of them always bullied and treated me like shit.
i’m painfully awkward around many of them,
but i’m confident af around black vixens.
this came from a convo i was having with one of the foxholers today.
they fonted to me in dms:
“the fact i have this everlasting fear of black men,
but this eternal admiration and love for black men.”
that has felt like my life.
i want to change that tho.
i’m not comfortable around most males and it shows in my energy.
the only males i feel comfortable with are the ones in the foxhole.
outside of this outlet,
i want to give males the same energy as i do vixens.
i could be missing out on some great love (or dick).
i might be hating the ones from my past,
but carrying it on to other black males in my present.
i’m not being “myself” because i’m so guarded.
i’d like to change that way of thinking tbh.
lowkey: i didn’t interacted with white males that much.
is it wrong to font a majority of them,
who aren’t racist scum bags,
allow you to be yourself?