The Devil Is Winning

tumblr_mvv8kqt7TV1s8ux50o1_500sometimes i think the devil wants me to kill myself

i must have been stupid into thinking “work wolf” was going to work out.
i thought i finally met someone who is interested in me.
someone who did things to me that made me question their hidden motives.
i didn’t imagine had the shit being done to me.
straight wolves don’t do half the shit he does.
i’m left here feeling like a fuckin’ fool.

he comes in my life and wasn’t “the work wolf i think is cute”.
the one i looked at from afar.
he did things and i got bold with my actions.
so he comes in and shares his life with me.
he becomes my friend.
i thought he was trying to get comfortable.
i thought i was helping.
it looks like it is leading to something and…

wolfchildren6i’m here again.
back to square one.
feeling absolutely stupid.

its like i try to be as optimistic about everything,
and hope things work out for the best,
but i’m left with egg on my face.
i thought this would lead to a happy ending.
i feel ridiculous that i got wrapped up in this confused fool.

i’m just tired.
i’m just fuckin tired of being disappointed when it comes to wolves.
is god trying to tell me i’m going to alone for the rest of my life?if so…
i guess the devil won.

lowkey: i just want to lay down.
i just want to be by myself.

good night.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

29 thoughts on “The Devil Is Winning”

  1. That why they call it crushes. Shit happens. You can’t control your emotion and who you fall for it never that easy. It good that you’re slowly breaking your attraction with work wolf but it no guarantee that you will be completely over work wolf tho. Take a chill pill.

  2. Um Jamari (forgive me if I’m jumping the gun, but I’ve been where you are shit I’m still there) please don’t let any thoughts of harming yourself cloud your mind. Your dream wolf is out there, I know right now that’s not what you want to hear right now but positive thought are best at these moments.

    I go through the this same thing with every crush I have had in my life J, I know it’s no fun being made the fool of. It always starts with the possibility of this one being different, no I’m not just imaging this ugh😩😤

  3. I’m not an advocate of wanting to kill oneself over another human being. No one should ever have that much control over you.

    I’ve learned to never depend on anyone to make me happy. That’s fairytale shit.
    We have to drop that mentality someone’s going to come along and “save us” and make everything ok.

    We have to save ourselves!

    We both might be alone, so we have to focus on ourselves.

    So be sad for a while, get it out of system, but after you’re finished being sad GET BETTER!

  4. No cha no indeed. Bounce back, it isnt worth getting to this point. He aint the only or the best wolf you can get. Shit u still might run in to train wolf. I understand its not easy to see a reality thats unfavorable but the bad feelings are only momentarily. You still have alot of life to live and endless possibilities that are good. Cheer up.

  5. Jamari please don’t ever harm yourself dude. I’m so tired of being alone and it scares me, but I try to be positive and think I might meet someone and hopefully soon. I knew eventually you had to come to a breaking point with work wolf. At first I was all for you guys getting together, but this dude is emotionally wearing you out, and I do agree that it would be wise to distance yourself from him. He is playing games with you and I don’t think he means to hurt you but I think he is confused about his attraction to you. Last week I wrote that work wolf still gets sexual pleasure from females, that he doesn’t need it from you. If the females weren’t having sex with him, he would be doing it with you. It’s just a damn headache dealing with dudes like this. It will get better soon dude, don’t let him bring you down.

  6. I’m going to give you some advice given to me. How do you expect to find a nice gay guy searching on apps and hoping your str8 crush likes you? Jamari you need to get out! Go to a club! I know how you feel about gay guys but you truly need some gay friends. I was where you was trying to be lowkey not really having gay friends….only hooking up on guys through Jackd and that got me nowhere. I can truly say that the few times I’ve decided to go to a gay club I came out with 2 meaning relationships. I’d taken a open gay man that a bicurious guy anyday. Jamari I think this will resolve ALOT of your problems. When you have friends and people that talk and make you laugh….you don’t worry about the bullshit in your life. Even if you can’t find a real friend or a relationship it’s worth it to put yourself out there and meet new people.

    1. Meh gay clubs are only good for “hey trade” cat calls and getting head in the restroom and gay friends are often a myth unless there’s zero sexual attraction and both parties are still willing to put in effort despite that.

      Just my opinion though lol

  7. I know it is cliche to say this but this is a temporary problem,don’t do anything permanent.Remember if someone makes you miserable more than they make you happy,if doesn’t matter how much you love them,you have to let them go.Only you can make that call I will support your decision.Love you This too shall pass.

  8. Just like you I’m a fan of td jakes. Go to YouTube and check out his sermon entitled “let it go” I think it will bless you!!!!!! Keep your head up

  9. OMG I am up to here with this work wolf. I hate having to be blunt but…..DICK is a distraction and LOVE is highly over rated. If this work wolf was a gay dude with all this back and forth, confusion and chasing every ass that bent over you would have given him his walking papers long ago. Why be a door mat for some straight wolf who clearly is getting a kick out of being lusted after by everyone gay and straight. Seems he’s getting the better end of the stick more than anyone else. I truly sympathize with your pain but frankly if I could magically transform into Cher from MoonStruck I’d slap you across the face and say “Snap out of it!!!”

    1. This is the best comment ever!!!!!!! I’m 35 years old, and I wish I had someone to tell me this 10 years ago when I was going through the same thing. GOOD STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. Everything has a lesson babes. You have to figure out what was your lesson in this scenario. There is nothing wrong with you. You are human. You got distracted on your path. Now its time to get focused back on Jamari. Always remember that if something is meant to be.. it will be smoother than butter . God is not the author of confusion.

  11. Damn, Jamari, you know I know how you feel. The way I see it, the devil is not winning at all. You have now taken back the power. Low-key you were in a hostage situation with Work Wolf, not knowing which direction it was going to go, but now you are free.

  12. I really don’t think work wolf has bad intentions as everyone seems to be implying, he’s not purposely trying to hurt you.

    I think your hopes and expectations are very high for the out come of this situation. Nothing wrong with that, but why not have other options. Get some other guy friends. Like how everyone has a dream career, but we also prepare others. Don’t give up on work wolf, but have a plan for if it doesn’t work out.

    Keep a trick up your sleeve and prepare a fix for every out come. Don’t get caught slippin. 😉

  13. it’s not that serious…
    you are wallowing in self-pity for now…
    stop trying to wifey a “in his mind” str8 dude…
    that’s not what they’re for…
    let him enjoy you for the “no strings attached” fake “girlfriend” you are…
    and you do the same…
    he’s not ready to be upfront trade…
    he’s not ready to be openly bi…
    he may be “ready” to fuck, but you tack on emotions…
    he’s not ready to do that…
    been there and done that on all these levels…
    i just allow them to treat my like a “queen/king” without having to give up the sex…
    let him heap the attention on you…
    just understand, it’s not a boyfriend he wants…
    he wants someone to love without having to love them…
    don’t limit yourself to him and him alone…
    stop trying to play games with him…
    you’re going to lose…
    simply because to you it’s not a game and you’re playing all in…
    when you push str8 boys into thinking too hard, they bolt…
    then they come back…
    then they bolt…
    understand this…
    i’m not trying to be a dick about this…
    but don’t lose a potential friend because you can’t separate friendship from relationship…
    bottom line…
    love yourself, validate yourself, empower yourself…
    let others be the icing, not the cake…

    1. ^i love you for this comment.

      thank you.
      thank you so much.
      everyone else i appreciate what you all said.
      god is still working on my dumbass lol

      i had a moment last night,
      but i needed these comments to open my eyes.

    2. Different strokes…

      I’ve never been one for ambiguous interactions and whether you know it or not, I feel like one is bound to become reliant on that attention and validation, especially if you feel like there’s a romantic undertone to it.

      Why not just rely on your damn self for attention or validation instead of reducing yourself to waiting on some inconsistent and ambiguous person to do so?

      Shit, buy yourself something expensive.

      I just refuse to hinge my happiness and sense of value on people period. They come and go and they will take whatever you rely on them for with them.

      I’ve never had any fantasies of a man taking care of me emotionally or financially like he would a woman or boyfriend so maybe that’s why.

      1. ^i love this comment too.

        I took the comment as:

        “Go with the flow and don’t expect so much”

        I was happier when I was “whatever happens will happen”.
        when i wasn’t so hungry,
        things were great.
        when I started looking at myself as competition for his attention with these hoes,
        i started to slip into the quicksand.

        i see him for who he is,
        so it’s helping me to see him as a friend and a damn human.
        I was wrapped up in the fantasy.

    1. ^i felt low last night.
      between work and work wolf,
      i felt completely over everything.
      i felt depressed off my ass.
      listening to adele didn’t help either lol

      im feeling a little better today.
      work in progress.

  14. I told you awhile ago that you cannot see yourself as competition with these vixens because you will lose.
    Maurezion northridge explained it perfectly.

    Your relationship with work wolf is different from these vixens, and you have to treat it as such. You are not a vixen and shouldn’t be treated like one, imo, because if that’s the case, you’re actually losing him by doing that. If vixens aren’t holding his attention, and he’s treating you like one, I’d see that as a red flag.

    First and foremost you are his friend, his homeboy, but a bit beyond that. You care for him and give him a bond he can’t really get elsewhere male or female. that is what he’s attracted to. Play off of that, because that’s where you are winning. His actual orientation is still a question mark right now, and your rule is “straight until proven gay or otherwise” WW is no different.

    You can’t get caught up with the fantasy of him getting in your buns because your energy will reflect that, and that might actually scare him off.

    Don’t try too hard, don’t think so much, you can fantasize, but understand it’s not reality. Do not have those expectations until it becomes reality.

    I’ve been saying forever to just go with the flow, because that was working for you. You can’t predict or control this situation at this point, its out of your hands so just sit back and enjoy the ride for whatever it is.

    Try to avoid getting depressed over him. You’re giving him too much control. What JAY said is applicable here too. Find ways in validating yourself. It’s no easy task, but necessary. 100%.

      1. See Van and I were in Brooklyn last weekend and went to a great party with professional gay men. You should have hung out – I asked you. It was chill. You would have had fun. You imprison yourself in your own mind obsessing over smoke and mirrors. And your self esteem needs to come up because you sell yourself cheap. Your readers warned you about work wolf but you are hard headed and had to keep going. So you had to learn. And you did.
        Suicide? Drop that shit. You going to kill yourself over someone like that? Call a hot line if you even think that way again. You have a great future ahead. Now get the fuck out the house, exercise, see a movie and go clubbing and make some friends. Real gay friends

  15. I need you feel stupid about the situation, but bad things happen in our lives to teach us lessons that we need to know. So learn from it, heal and move on.

If you wouldn't say it on live TV with all your family and friends watching, without getting canceled or locked up, don't say it on here. Stay on topic, no SPAM, and keep it respectful. Thanks!

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