The Concrete Forest Feels Like It Has Fallen On Me

“i’m over this city.”
this is one sentence that keeps replaying back in my mind ever so often.
this city is making me sick.
not just sick and tired.
but physically sick.
i don’t know if it is the stress of not finding a job yet,
or that i’ve suddenly got some kind of stomach problem,
but i am over it all….
new york has been my home.
i have many experiences here.
some good; others bad.
but now, it is just a place that keeps me up at night.
the city that doesn’t sleep has given me chronic insomnia.
i hear every siren and watch every shadow.
like a nightmare i am forced to live in,
i am confused as to why?
why have things gone so down hill?
why am i being punished?
why are things so bad?
why do i ask why?

i don’t know.
i want to leave,
but i have no money.
i want to go someplace and start over.
meet new people and start fresh.
experience a new life.
atlanta maybe?
la is too expensive.
i don’t have a car for texas.
and, the moon requires an oxygen mask.

maybe things will get better?
maybe this is just bad patch in my life?
it’s taking really long to get though it.
i usually bounce back faster than this.
this all feels really unfamiliar.
it will be a year soon.
a year complete with sadness, hurt, loneliness, broke, and betrayal.
my body has been physically abused by my mind.
sometimes i find myself crying for no reason at all.
i’m completely alone and that silence is the loudest.
i just hope that whatever i’m suppose to learn gets learned soon.
how many tests do i need to pass to prove i’ve made it?
how many lessons am i suppose to go through before i graduate top honors?
how many questions am i going to ask before i get an answer?
i just want to be happy again.

is that too much to ask?

“my life” is a damn mary j blige record.
i want to break up.
dead ass.


Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

11 thoughts on “The Concrete Forest Feels Like It Has Fallen On Me”

  1. Jamari, you will just have to pray over it and ask the universe to make it happen. I know the feeling bro. I am in the SAME boat you are in. I wake depressed, sometimes even having really dark thoughts because I am tired of being ‘sick and tired’ but don’t know what to do. I keep the faith though and that is what you have to do. Just know that you are not alone! We are all here!

  2. The cloud will become clear, this too shall pass Jamari, have you considered the DMV? Atlanta is just a gayer version of NY, plus the DMV will be a cheaper move (considering transport fees). Email me if you need a connect, best wishes e-babe!

    1. ATL is depressing. I keep hearing about the DMV but I thought it was much more expensive and I heard the crime rate was pretty high….

      ATL is pretty gay friendly though..

    2. DMV is less expensive than NYC, but moreso than ATL. Both are pretty gay-friendly, just the boys (or gurls) are more open in ATL. NC is becoming a hotspot to live too – not expressly for the gays, but just the quality of life & lower living expenses. You’d definitely need a car there, though.

      You got a few peeps in ATL (Luckey, Vain, Star fox) & DC (me, davon, omg), so…if you have questions, let me know. This too shall pass, tho maybe you do need a change of scenery. And maybe you need to talk to a professional — depression is real in these streets

  3. I understand your situation being a New Yorker I used to say I would never leave (never say never) but there comes a time when you have to sit back and evaluate your surroundings. I will say that I had the luxury of transferring employment which made things easier and less competition allowed me to advance faster than in NYC but it is an extremely personal decision. Talking with friends, colleagues etc can help also this time of year can be depressing for many. I’m praying with you bruh.


  4. Jamari you will make it through this. God opens 2 doors when 1 door closes. Don’t go to Atlanta there are not jobs there. The DMV always has govt jobs and the cost of living is more affordable. My partner is a government contractor…if you can write or edit (which you obviously do cuz you blog) he can advise you on how to get work here. Let me know Wassup and please know your readers are praying for you and everything will be fine.

If you wouldn't say it on live TV with all your family and friends watching, without getting canceled or locked up, don't say it on here. Stay on topic, no SPAM, and keep it respectful. Thanks!

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