not all broken things need to be fixed… right? (insecure)

photo credit: hbo

watching last night’s episode of “insecure: lowkey trying” was triggering for me.
i didn’t to watch it last night because i was up til 7am,
sunday morning,
playing video games with my gaming friends.
so i was tired af and went to bed early last night.
i know this morning i was gonna watch it as soon as i got up.

“Wow.”

i ended up crying because i been in issa’s position before and it really fuckin’ sucked…
(light spoilers ahead)

i use to be cool with someone back in the day.
a stud.
when we first met,
we clicked instantly.
i had fell out with someone who accused “someone” of trying to come on to her.
that was years before,
but i found it was a lie.
i always suspected the girl was gay/bi and made up the rumor.
anyway,
we became cool af and did everything together.
we would talk on the phone for hours,
she would introduced me to vixens she was talking to,
and we would even travel together.
it felt like i had a bff for life.

over the years,
she started talking to me any which way.
she would snap at me if i did anything that offended her.
those were the years my self esteem was in the toilet so i allowed it.
her mother use to snap at her,
talk down to her,
and would literally abuse her because of her sexuality.
i guess she would take it out on me.

i tried to make it work on many occasions.
many people would ask me:

“Why does she talk to you like that?”

“I don’t like that she talks to you like that.”

looking back,
i realize i have/had a soft spot for abuse.
instead of cursing her ass tf out at the first instant,
or maybe even not being friends,
i still tried to make it work because i’m loyal as a friend/partner.
in turn,
i noticed she would choose other people over me.
she got into a new relationship and replaced me with that person.
some else we met didn’t like me and she chose to fuck with them.
she ended up not being loyal to me so i ended it by simply walking away.
we caught up a year or two ago,
but the spark was gone.

i’ve realized something about me about broken relationships in my life:

I’ll try to make things work.

i don’t know it’s often hard for me to walk away from someone.
i’ll try to mend a “we could fix this” relationship the best way i can.
the other party doesn’t want to try because they know i will.
 some “ships” don’t need fixing when they’re ending tho.
issa tried to to make things work with molly when they fell out.
how disrespectful of her to text someone that she is “trying” with her.

I’m mad they both went to brunch and didn’t confront the issue head on tho.

like,
ya’ll nearly fought each other and ya’ll cackling over mimosas?
i had to ask myself…

Was their friendship just “good times” being masked by a ton of underlying issues?

me and my “someone” had a shit ton of good times too.
it’s like a toxic ass relationship with a dude,
but the sex covers the open wound temporarily.
i guess they’re both realizing they don’t truly know each other.

I’m curious how they’ll tackle this for season 5.

lowkey: i loved kerry washington directed this episode.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

5 thoughts on “not all broken things need to be fixed… right? (insecure)

  1. I had a close friend that I met in May 2008 while working at the Spirit of Philadelphia. I was 20 going on 21 and we clicked. For the next eight years we were thick as thieves, she was even there for me when I left Philly for five years and did college and etc. Throughout the course of our relationship I was the friend who was pretty much broke, unstable and trying to find my way. She was a lot older. However once I came back to Philly and things started to slowly improve I noticed her disposition changed. In 2016 I started working as a Hemodialysis Tech and moved into this nice apt in the city. Ironically I later found out it was a place she loved because the college students who attended the school she did security at primarily lived in the building. She finally came over after she went to the love Jones play one night Summer 2016. We had drinks, laughed and we celebrated because her daughter just graduated college. Then…..nothing. no contact no text messages nothing. She went Ghost. Then my Grandma died October 2016 and I didn’t know who to call but her. I called crying leaving a voicemail and she never called me back afterwards. I was always there for her when a loved one passed, even when her first cousin overdosed and left a family behind. So as a result I felt betrayed. A year passed and I had a dream that she was sad and crying so I woke up and called her on Mother’s Day. We talked and reassured me that I didn’t do anything wrong. I think maybe she had some demons to battle. We both said I love you and that was it. And still to this day I feel like I don’t have any damn closure. So insecure speaks VOLUMES to my spirit real shit

    1. ^wow thank you for sharing this.

      this is often the story of many.
      she may have been battling something and you were a mirror.
      it could be underlying jealousy or she just felt the tables turned once you got your life in order.
      she only knows and it’s a shame she ruined a good friendship.

      something similar happened to me recently.
      i remembered my past situation and i refuse to reach out any further.
      i’m tired of the one fixing shit.

  2. How about people come into our lives for a season…a reason or a lifetime.
    It took me a minute to understand this but once I grasped the concept it made so much sense.
    I too had a friend that we were thick as thieves. It was beautiful.
    Not a few days goes by that I don’t think about how we ran and I smile remembering those incredible moments we shared.
    But our time was a season not a lifetime and I will always cherish our season that was meant just for us.

  3. I can relate to Lawrence. I got cheated on and they blamed me for them cheating. I pushed them to do it. When people feel like you not giving them “attention” and feel like they need that from somebody else, that’s a cheater waiting or already cheated. If they can’t see your feelings, get out and don’t look back.

    I love how Insecure doesn’t just focus on the women. The men go through a lot of things that people never realize. Its a lot of Lawrence’s in the foxhole. A few Dro’s. Quite a few Nathan’s. Some Daniel’s. Andrew’s. Chad’s. Derek. And a whole lot of Jared’s.

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