god always gives you signs.
it’s up to you to catch them.
i can admit now,
i was a little slow on catching the signs with work wolf.
in my memories,
i see the good times we had.
that is what makes me miss him.
i am now remembering the shit he did that hurt my feelings.
“since you been gone”…
i’m seeing the bad side of things.
bad enough i have to see him everyday.
something lead me to pick up a book i was reading.
“no more mr. nice guy” by robert glover.
it was a really good read.
i still don’t know why i stopped in the first place.
so as i’m reading the book on my lunch break,
agreeing with a lot that was being said in the first chapter,
i read this…
What’s Wrong With Being A Nice Guy?We might be tempted to minimize the problem of the Nice Guy Syndrome. After all, how can being nice be such a bad thing? We might even chuckle at the Marvin Milquetoast behaviors of these men as portrayed in comic strips and television sitcoms. Since men already represent an easy target in our culture, the caricature of a sensitive guy might be an object of amusement rather than concern.
Nice Guys themselves frequently have a difficult time grasping the depth and seriousness of their beliefs and behaviors. When I begin working with these passively pleasing men, almost without exception, they all ask, “What is wrong with being a Nice Guy?” Having picked up this book and puzzled over the title, you may be wondering the same thing. By giving these men the label Nice Guy, I’m not so much referring to their actual behavior, but to their core belief system about themselves and the world around them. These men have been conditioned to believe that if they are “nice,” they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a smooth life. The term Nice Guy is actually a misnomer because Nice Guys are often anything but nice. Here are some Not-So-Nice Traits of Nice Guys:Nice Guys are dishonest.
These men hide their mistakes, avoid conflict, say what they think people want to hear, and repress their feelings. These traits make Nice Guys fundamentally dishonest.Nice Guys are secretive.Because they are so driven to seek approval, Nice Guys will hide anything that they believe might upset anyone. The Nice Guy motto is, “If at first you don’t succeed, hide the evidence.”
Nice Guys are compartmentalized.Nice Guys are adept at harmonizing contradictory pieces of information about themselves by separating them into individual compartments in their minds. Therefore, a married man can create his own definition of fidelity which allows him to deny that he had
an affair with his secretary (or intern) because he never put his penis in her vagina.Nice Guys are manipulative.
Nice Guys tend to have a hard time making their needs a priority and have difficulty asking for what they want in clear and direct ways. This creates a sense of powerlessness. Therefore, they frequently resort to manipulation when trying to get their needs met.Nice Guys are controlling.
A major priority for Nice Guys is keeping their world smooth. This creates a constant need to try to control the people and things around them. Nice Guys give to get. Though Nice Guys tend to be generous givers, their giving often has unconscious and unspoken strings attached. They want to be appreciated, they want some kind of reciprocation, they want someone to stop being angry at them, etc. Nice Guys often report feeling frustrated or resentful as a result of giving so much while seemingly getting so little in return.
Nice Guys are passive-aggressive.
Nice Guys tend to express their frustration and resentment in indirect, roundabout, and not so nice ways. This includes being unavailable, forgetting, being late, not following through, not being able to get an erection, climaxing too quickly, and repeating the same annoying behaviors even when they have promised to never do them again.Nice Guys are full of rage.
Though Nice Guys frequently deny ever getting angry, a lifetime of frustration and resentment creates a pressure cooker of repressed rage deep inside these men. This rage tends to erupt at some of the most unexpected and seemingly inappropriate times.
Nice Guys are addictive.
Addictive behavior serves the purpose of relieving stress, altering moods, or medicating pain. Since Nice Guys tend to keep so much bottled up inside, it has to come out somewhere. One of the most common addictive behaviors for Nice Guys is sexual compulsiveness.Nice Guys have difficulty setting boundaries.
Many Nice Guys have a hard time saying “no,” “stop,” or “I’m going to.” They often feel like helpless victims and see the other person as the cause of the problems they are experiencing.Nice Guys are frequently isolated.Though Nice Guys desire to be liked and loved, their behaviors actually make it difficult for people to get very close to them.
Nice Guys are often attracted to people and situations that need fixing. This behavior is often the result of the Nice Guy’s childhood conditioning, his need to look good, or his quest for approval.Unfortunately, this tendency pretty much guarantees that Nice Guys will spend most of their time putting out fires and managing crises.Nice Guys frequently have problems in intimate relationships.
Though Nice Guys often put tremendous emphasis on this part of their lives, their intimate relationships are frequently a source of
struggle and frustration. For example:
- Nice Guys are often terrible listeners because they are too busy trying to figure out how to defend themselves or fix the other person’s problem.
- Because of their fear of conflict, they are frequently dishonest and are rarely available to work all the way through a problem.
- It is not unusual for Nice Guys to form relationships with partners whom they believe to be “projects” or “diamonds in the rough.” When these projects don’t polish up as expected, Nice Guys tend to blame their partner for standing in the way of their happiness.
Nice Guys have issues with sexuality.
Though most Nice Guys deny having problems with sex, I have yet to meet one who isn’t either dissatisfied with his sex life, has a sexual dysfunction (can’t get or maintain an erection, climaxes too quickly), or has sexually acted out (through affairs, prostitution, pornography, compulsive masturbation, etc.).
Nice Guys are usually only relatively successful.
The majority of Nice Guys I’ve met have been talented, intelligent, and moderately successful. Almost without exception though, they fail to live up to their full potential.
…and a majority of those examples were describing work wolf:
prone to tellin’ lies
told a lot of stories
always tried to play the victim
extremely passive aggressive
has anger issues
has an addictive personality
doesn’t have a lot of friends
will say “yes” when he wants to say “no”
it made me see a lot of shit is wrong with him.
here i am blaming me,
wondering every day what i did wrong,
but he is the one with the issues.
sometimes you ignore the bad because you hope,
someone is also ignoring the “bad” within you.
i’m not perfect at all,
and i have my own baggage,
but i’m damn sure not ^that person in those descriptions.
i wanted to “fix” him
he is a very lost wolf,
and i brought a lot in his life,
but i can’t save anyone who doesn’t want to be saved.
why am i even “saving” anyone?
i’m the one who needs to rescue “me” from “myself”.
i wish him the best.
one day he will wake up.
too bad it may be too late.