my first day of therapy.

so i had my first therapy appointment just now.

Am I supposed to feel this way?

let me explain

i cried close to the end.
i’m crying now.
there is a lot of things i have been holding onto deep inside.
some things i’d probably never share with the foxhole.

he was nice.
an older white wolf.
he actually looks like the guy in that ^above picture.
he allowed me to speak and get it all out.
during certain parts,
he would interject with his feelings on things.
one thing he didn’t like when i said:

“I feel stupid for feeling this way…”

he didn’t like that i called myself stupid.
sometimes tho,
i feel stupid for making mistakes and essentially being “human”.
in this community,
you aren’t allowed to make mistakes or be less than perfect.
i did feel like molly from “insecure” talking to her therapist.
even tho she was totally stubborn,
i let him into my inner forest depths.
he wasn’t black or gay,
he didn’t say much,
and let me do all the talking.
i guess i was expecting more breakthrough,
but it was our first meeting.

Is that normal?

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

15 thoughts on “my first day of therapy.”

  1. Its a process that includes purging of emotions and trauma in order go make room for new and positive things. We tend to hold onto trauma and pain and when purge happens you relive some of it. Kinda like vomiting. When you eat, it either tastes good or bad but if your rejects it, it comes back up..worse than it went down but its necessary to get rid of anything that could continue to harm you

    1. ^thank you tony.
      i feel so sad right now smh.
      that made me bring up a lot of what’s been bothering me and i feel emotionally drained.
      i had to go lay down and meditate lol

    2. Exactly.. he’s building a therapeutic relationship with U. a place where U can feel safe to be open with your thoughts, feelings. Give it time, Just be open and honest with your thoughts, feelings. He will allow U to speak, intersecting only when necessary for clarification, support as needed.

    3. Exactly, this actually happens in massage sometimes. I’ve actually had clients suddenly start sobbing because some past trauma started coming out. It’s very healthy but it’s like destroying a damn. It’s not just the initial trauma. It’s the trauma of trying to ignore the trauma. It builds on it self and when you truly feel safe, even for a moment, it can overwhelm your defenses and finally release itself.

  2. It’s good he brought attention to your calling yourself stupid. Negative self talk is very pernicious.

    1. ^love that word you used.
      i looked it up immediately.
      you are absolutely correct.
      i’m so use to calling myself stupid that it made me become this robot of trying to do the right thing.

      what tf is the right thing?

  3. A good first step. I’m interested in how you landed on this particular therapist? Was he recommended? Is he experienced in treating LGBT? Did he prescribe any medication for the treatment of depression or anxiety?

    Also, keep in mind that you are allowed to seek out another therapist if he isn’t working for you. I’ve had many different therapists over the years.

    1. ^ i has a breakdown last week and decided that i couldn’t do “this” anymore.
      i checked through my insurance how i could acquire a therapist and they gave me a bunch of numbers to call.
      his was the first.
      i called and left a message and he called me back a few days later to set up a session.
      today was a session.

      he hasn’t prescribed anything yet since today was the first session.

  4. Yeah it’s normal. As a therapist it’s a process. We don’t have a magic wand to fix all your problems; we serve as more of a guide or facilitator if you will as how to properly navigate your issues. We teach you tools and it is up to you to continue practicing and do the work.

  5. Its your first session. He has to get to know you. Once he feel like he knows you, you will see a difference. The simple fact he stopped you from putting yourself down is a good sign. Some will let you do it and treat you like a case study.

  6. I’m just glad more blacks, especially younger blacks, are going to counseling. There is nothing wrong with it. It shows maturity in my view. “Dr. Jesus,” as our elders would call him, can’t fix most problems. One of my favorite comedians Nicole Byer regularly talks about going to therapy on her various podcasts. So congratulations and remember if it’s not a good fit you always find another one.

  7. Like others said, he’s a guide and sounding board. He’s not really going to give you his opinions, moreso guide you through the process and how to access yours to heal.

    However, if you feel uncomfortable or that your trust is violated or professionalism is compromised, it’s okay to find another therapist. You’re auditioning him as well.

    Glad you’re starting the process.

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