Is Your “True Self” Keeping You Single?

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i had an interesting discussion with a pastor this morning.
a pastor that also happens to be on the dl,
or so he thinks.
we met a few years ago and kept in touch ever so often.
he has been low key attracted to me,
but i would never.
ever.
everrrrrrr consider it.
that is code word for:

he got way too much going on

well the discussion was being yourself when looking for love…

as of late,
i have been getting prepared for my greatness.
i am very self conscious and i wanted to tackle that early.
so i started taking more pictures and videos of myself.
i want to get comfortable seeing myself.
i have picked apart:

my smile
my body
my face
my voice
my everything

at first,
i hated doing it.
i don’t know about anyone else,
but when i see myself on camera,
i start to pick apart all of my flaws and short comings.
as the trooper fox that i am,
i still continued.
i would even send them to my friends to get reactions.
all were positive and they were glad to see me shedding old fur.

until i spoke to the pastor.

tumblr_o9j104P8HF1s1rwswo1_500so i told him how i wondering how someone could love me?
i’m not some super masculine ig attentionisto who has his shirt.
i’m kinda just me.
is “me” attractive?
or do i need to be like “that” to find a wolf?

he says:

“well maybe you need to buck up.
put more bass in your voice.
you could also stop with the dressing stuff and start looking at more sports.
i had to change in order to be who i am.
i remember i use to wear tight jeans and my hair was dyed burgundy.
my pastor came to me to check me on it.
i changed and so can you.
i think that was one of the reasons work wolf fell off from you.
he saw you were into that fashion and beauty stuff.
he couldn’t bring you around his family and friends.”

tumblr_ny2e2htzIz1rrlcp5o2_250that part about work wolf nearly had me in tears.
i won’t lie.
he made me feel like i did something wrong just being “myself”.
now he is going to be 60 soon.
he had a scandal with his ex wife and was outed by his gay lover.
it has been a mess for him.
he has dated countless foxes,
which confused me given is personality,
but he is definitely from another generation of “us”.

i had to wonder about being our true selves.
your “true self” is who you are behind all these cameras and filters.
it’s the “snapchat” to your “instagram”.
it’s being honest about:

who you are
saying what you like
how you feel
and the things that others would judge you for

it’s like everyone tries to be “one thing” on social media,
but when they meet you,
it could be a completely different story.
once they get comfortable and let their guard down,
the “true self” starts to show.
what you see about me on the foxhole is what you’re gonna get.
is that attractive to the wolves of today?
the ones who are into shirtless and super material?
do they want someone who cares way too much and capable of loving them?
someone who is kinda goofy,
awkward,
and prone to moodiness?
or do i need to walk around acting “super macho” to be loved?
they say “be yourself,
but when you do that,
it could be a problem.
i had to wonder…

Can your “true self” turn others off?

lowkey: i always loved when rihanna said this:

tumblr_o57u5apoQU1umss3lo1_250 tumblr_o57u5apoQU1umss3lo2_250

…but how do you know when you truly “love yourself?

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

22 thoughts on “Is Your “True Self” Keeping You Single?

  1. U fantasize about dating a co-worker with multiple women under his belt that’s not even into men . But turn down dating a pastor?

    1. ^so i bite the bullet with the dl pastor who one second he is into the life and the next he is praying to God to make him straight.
      he is the lesser of two evils?
      you know what?
      ill give him and call and have him be mine in desperate times!

  2. Well I struggle with this same issue J. I’m by no means feminine, but I’m not the ultra masculine, into sports type either. Most of the time I don’t know what these wolves want, but I don’t think they do either.Even if you got the man of your dreams, would you be happy if you had to put on a charade just to be what they want you to be? I don’t think so. The presentation of hyper masculinity is so stressed, especially in the black community, it is hard for someone who was raised to be like that to be with someone who may not be super masculine as they are. But in the end, are they really happy? They may seem like it on the outside, but I don’t think anyone is happy who has to fake who they are or deny themselves someone they like because of societal expectations. In short, changing yourself to fit someone else expectations and standards is never a good idea. Your pastor friend changed himself and im guessing inside he is pretty miserable. These attentionistos put on a show on social media, but inside I don’t think they are happy if they can’t be with who they want to be with. They are just going through the motions.

    1. ^maybe we are all going through the motions?
      it seems like it nowadays.
      everyone is trying to fit in somewhere and somehow.
      it is a constant battle.
      with everything going on in the news,
      and then our next presidential candidates looking like a whole fuck up of trouble,
      we need to seriously know who we are before they tell us.

    2. ^and you know what?
      i feel for a wolf that is straight.
      so what?
      that makes me no worse than “us” falling for the wrong ones in the life.
      it made for great entries and brought me to this point of growth.
      can’t be mad at that.

      1. I thought that dude liked your style! That’s why he had U show him how to dress. So why would U try to change your style to be more approachable to others?

  3. This post got me in my feels because I have thought about this a lot. I’m super self conscious about my looks ( there’s nothing awe stopping about my face it’s below average), body ( I’m skinny with no ass and whatever weight I do gain its goes to my stomach so I have to be careful with trendy shirts that highlight that problem area), voice ( which is light and sounds not only gay but kiddy like I sound like a someone in junior high at times).

    My wolf friend and me hang out a lot now as we’re cool again and everywhere we go he has people (men and women) checking him out. He’s tall, red bone, has a banging body with tats, handsome face, and hood swag. I’m used to it now but the attention he would get every time we went out somewhere had me feeling some kind of way lol.

    Just like you I’m in my head too much and I have these thoughts of ” Are my voice, my walk, and my looks the reason I’m alone. people say I have a really good hear and sunny personality but I can’t help but feel if I was better looking and more average into sports , weed, and other shit I would be more desirable. shit I’m so self conscious I don’t even post a real pic of me on here as my profile pic ( and this is my safe haven ).

    maybe its the men I’m putting on a petal stool I’m going and lusting after something I might not ever have. In order for me to get men like the ones posted as meat posts on here I would have to change.

    P.S. That WW part got to me as well because I remember calling my wolf friend and his mother picked up and told me he’ll call me back. He gets back to me later in the day and tells me his mom said ” whoever that was on the phone sounded super gay .” I was looking like I just got slapped or something lol

  4. If you have change yourself THAT much in order to be with someone, you really shouldn’t be with them in the first place.

    I really get disgusted when folks have the audacity to tell others how they should act.

  5. Being your true self turns the people off we have no business being around anyway. They will take it or leave it. Eventually they allow themselves to get comfortable with people or things that are different that their norm…if not..kickit

  6. Being real is what is hard, one can not hide who they are they have to accept true self, I am not going to change who I am for love or for attention . Accept me for me and I will accept you for you, life is to short to waste good air on fools and foolish things, to thine own self be true, I feel that we are always trying to be who we are not because we are not ok with self. Self hate is huge and people play that track over and over in their head, not really allowing love to enter , just holding on to loss, fear, and loser men, women, and useless stuff. To thine own self be true.

  7. There’s some people that truly do not give a fuck, I know it can’t be me though, I care too much. We just can’t be straight forward with people, it doesn’t work. We show pieces of our true personality to see if we can trust them.

    There’s been progress, but there’s still plenty of stigma, you can’t convince me there isn’t. The kind of men Jamari likes, masculine athletic wolves, most likely haven’t had to deal with the stigma or has been avoiding it. If you’re feminine people assume you’re gay and the men you’re with are gay too, then they spread it around like telephone 😒

  8. Making all these changes for what? I don’t get it. Getting advice from someone who is also single and confused is pointless. Right the whole point of being acknowledging your into the same sex is to be yourself. Crazy how we still have boxes we put ourselves in. You seem like an amazing guy Jamari. And so do most the people in the foxhole. I thought in the end we seek is happiness? I say pray and keep pushing. I am not telling you nothing I would not do.

  9. I would never change the person I am to please someone else. Many are already living a lie, now these same people are going to suppress certain aspects of their personality to be attractive to others. If a man cannot take you as you are, he should not be in your life, period. Yea, I like sports and consider myself a manly man, and even though I always had a preference for men who are the same, it is NOT a must. I would never want a person to hide their true selves.

    1. That is the sole demise of many relationships, one person trying to change the other. It doesn’t work and it makes the person despise the other. Like you, I won’t change for anyone. If you don’t like the package, see ya! I don’t kiss ass…for anyone.

  10. My three rules to live by… 1.) Be unapologetically you. You’ll always be the best you. 2.) Never give anyone that kind of power over you (changing to fit someone else’s preferences). That’s not sustainable 3.) Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. That’s not healthy.

  11. That Pastor is so off the mark in telling you that ridiculousness. When you travel down this road of “acting” to be accepted you end up in the land of low self-esteem. You would destroy all the progress you have made. We of older generations have lived lifetimes of “acting” or hiding who we really were, marinating in the message that you are just not good enough as you are. If you fool or commit a deception intended to result in personal gain that is fraud. Do you think a loving relationship can be obtained when the foundation is fraud and scams? The Pastor should stop preaching if that is his message.

    1. It’s funny how the black church wants to tell you to sweep everything under the rug for public acceptance and lie, beg, borrow or steal to get to heaven yet behind closed doors their trying to fill every bodily hole with a D or trying to stick a D in every bodily hole.

  12. God made you the way you are. If you are enough and whole in his sight who cares what others think. Surround yourself with people who love and support you. And leave those down-low confused preachers alone. I know too many of them and they are some of the most fucked up gays in the planet.

    P.S. WW was not worth your time. It hurts now but I guarantee you you will be laughing about him in a few years when you are finally fully unto your career and he is still trying to play silly women (and men too).

  13. I fit the stereotype of those guys (tall, muscular, brown skin etc.) but I don’t act super masculine. I’m the type where folks get intrigued just by looking at the outside and assume I’m this hyper masculine guy but once you get to know me I’m a completely different person. Even when I wear tight fitted daisy dukes with tight T-shirts people still assume.

    But don’t change who you are for the next person. Most guys are just pushing an image. A lot of the “wolf meat” type men are lonely too. Not to mention in my experience they are usually narcissistic and obnoxious. I rarely get along with them because I can’t be with a guy who is too into himself. And plus once people are tired of what’s on the exterior, you don’t think they’re gonna go looking for the next hot thing? These men are just a fantasy for most people. Do not change who you are. As cliche as it sounds, there is somebody for everybody.

  14. First of fucking all, his comments pissed me off. Do NOT listen to this man Jamari. He has been scamming and living a double life for a long time according to the facts you gave on him. Not being himself has obviously landed him in some deep shit so he’s irrelevant.

    To answer your question, I think it depends on who you’re dealing with. We live in a very superficial era and to make things worse we are a part of a very superficial community. A lot of people in this community are much more obsessed with the outside than they are with the heart. We see this shit everyday. People who look amazing when it comes to exterior but have fucked up personalities and/or shit from their past that they haven’t quite dealt with in the proper manner.

    I’m all for self improvement and making myself better but I also like the person I am and the person I’m becoming. And the person I’m becoming will not allow superficial individuals to tell me who I should be or how I should act in order to get and/or keep a man. The truth will manifest itself somehow anyway so I will not pretend to have a deeper voice or like sports in order to be with someone. If he can’t take me as I am right now, fuck him.

  15. Don’t try to put forth an image that is not you. Because if you do end up being in a relationship, it’s foundation will not be strong because the lie that is said image will be like a deep crack. Eventually you are going to get tired. Tired of having to put on this farce.Tired of not being able to be who you are with at least the ppl who are close to you and you see on a daily basis. I tried it in high school, it got real boring real fast. And you shouldn’t be trying to for someone else anyway. Make changes for yourself. If you want to change something about you then that’s fine, or find a way to accept the things that you can not change.

    And Jamari, you gotta start loving you some you. I understand how it feels to be self-conscious, I still am, but as time moves on and in the hours where no one is home but me, I have begun to learn how to accept me and love me and how much I crack myself up in a way that might have embarrassed me. Sure, maybe in the company of others there are soe things that you might tone down, I know I do, or you might make a few minor changes for someone, that’s compromise. But never compromise who you are. If there are things that you find are a part of who you see as yourself, don’t completely change or try to be someone else. Do you because it is your life and if someone isn’t comfortable with who you are maybe they shouldn’t be in your life or they can be an associate that you deal with from afar. Sure not everybody is going to love every aspect of you just like you’re not going to love every aspect of someone else, but it’s all about how you are going to feel in that relationship with someone and the kind of relationship that you want with them to be like.

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