is “until you do right by me, everything you do will fail” kind enough to send in a well wishes card?

i want a conversation with the foxhole.
this will be a judgment-free zone.
i won’t judge you,
but i’m sure others will pretend to be perfect.

many of us have been fucked over by jackals we thought we loved or fucked with.
they left our lives and moved on,
but sometimes those feelings of animosity still linger.
for some,
like my sister,
we actually want to see them do better.
when someone casually mentions their existence to you,
you genuinely have a good word for them.

I hope they’re doing well.”

…and actually mean it.
this is how you know you’ve healed and moved forward.
other people from your past might get a completely different response.
i wanted to ask a question to the foxhole…

Is there anyone(s) who you REFUSE to say anything nice about?

like,
they could have won the lottery and given the check from Jesus and you’d still be like:

“Fuck that bitch.”

you know “it’s not of God” to mention that loud.
people will say you’re holding onto grudges or it’s bad karma.
is it thooooooo?

i was talking to the pretty vixen earlier about this wolf from our past.
even though he turned out to be fake af,
i genuinely wished him well because he has been down bad.
i’m def not gonna be watching his life play out on ig.
when i’m done with you; i’m done with you.
after that,
i went on to font:

“You will not get me to say anything kind about ________,
my last job and the bosses i worked under,
and ______ with _______.
You simply won’t.”

deadass.
personally fonting,
i feel like it’s fake to send well wishes when you aren’t being genuine.
plus and being 110,
but some people don’t deserve well wishes and kind words for their nasty behavior.
folks really create trauma out here for others and move on like it’s all good.
they are free to destroy lives and we have to speak highly of them?
what?
what about murderers and rapists?

so i had to wonder

Should we always wish those who did us wrong…
well?

or is it okay to genuinely say “fuck that bitch”?

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Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

8 thoughts on “is “until you do right by me, everything you do will fail” kind enough to send in a well wishes card?

  1. No. We should not. It burns me up when Black Folks forgive and pray for people who have done them wrong ,yet are so “Homophobic”.

    “Forgiveness” does not make me feel better. That person will keep screwing folks over and over .

    Now if the persons gives a sincere apology I believe in moving on and will accept it ,but It wont be the same.

    1. ^i love being the villain in their life tbh.
      once you fuck me over,
      i’m gonna shade them for the rest of their damn life.
      every time i hear their name,
      i’m gonna have something shady to say.

      some folks i’ll genuinely heal for.
      others…
      nah.

  2. I personally think a lot of “healing and self growth” is 100% poppycock.

    If someone gets me fired, there is no “wishing them well’. That’s costing me my livelihood and potentially setting me up for homelessness.

    If someone plagiarizes my work and gets me expelled, that’s costing me my education and a path to a career.

    If someone has done something to me that has lasting permanent effects on my life, no I do not forgive.

    Forgiving people who show no remorse is illogical. Also “forgiving them is for you, not them” is also illogical. You can learn from how someone hurt you to try and avoid that kind of personality in the future. Healing comes from allowing yourself to be human and not blaming yourself. We can’t predict how people will hurt us. Especially if we go out of our way to pay attention to red flags and are caught off-guard.

    I personally whenever I have a good life event, reach out to people who tried to stop me. This is to let them know that despite their efforts, I STILL prevailed. I always use a temporary way of contact such as a burner number or temporary email. You will NOT weasel your way back into my life because I’m doing good.

    Viola Davis checks on her childhood bullies to make sure they’re not doing well and I’m sure many would say it’s immature. I think it’s motivation. I have had school administrators and bosses try to sabotage me. There is no better feeling than doing what the secretary from Mad Men did coming in as the boss’ wife.

    Even if I don’t interact with them, there’s always that “Oh, I know him” moment where people try to benefit from your success despite them directly sabotaging you. Oh dearie, I will RELISH saying I don’t know you.

    I used to “turn the other cheek/be the bigger person” and I spent SO much energy trying to show people I didn’t deserve abuse, instead of standing up for myself. I refuse to make someone not feel bad for what they did to me.

    “Oh it’s okay, that was years ago”. I think not.

    Lastly, apologies mean nothing with a change of actions. Often people apologize just to shut you up so they can get back to abusing you again. I do not deal with people who cannot take responsibility for what they did to me. Often they disappear hoping that I will forget and pop back in when they see I’m thriving without them. Stay in the realm of obscurity. I don’t want apologies. I want grown people who can admit they were wrong and will do whatever is necessary to fix it.

    TRUE maturity is apologizing, making amends NOT so you can be friends/in a relationship again, but to try and bring the other person, peace. True remorse isn’t wanting forgiveness, it’s realizing that they may not allow you in their life again. If somebody apologizes just to get their spot back, they’re not sorry. If they apologize, realizing what they done may have been irreparable then they can move on and leave me be.

    Apologies aren’t about assuaging your own guilt. It’s about wanting to truly do right by the person you harmed.

    1. ^ this is absolutely powerful.
      i felt chills reading this.

      i agree 110% and did many of the things you mentioned,
      but felt bad or was hard on myself because it wasn’t of God.
      thank you for showing it’s ok to be human.

  3. I’m a bit of an obsessor and I know it’s been a major fault in my life, so to overcome myself it’s easier to move on and forgive and forget the person but not the situation.
    Forgiveness has to be strictly for myself because if someone hurt me in some egregious way, I don’t want to hold onto or remember them anymore or give them unnecessary significance.
    It feels like too much work and the only work I allow for is my actual job.
    I find as I get older that life is too short and filled with enough good distractions than for me to hold onto to memories of bad moments and people that I’m better off completely letting go of.

    So I stick with the old adage of not wishing them well or wishing them ill, I just wish them nothing. I just put them aside and choose not to interact or cross paths with them unless by chance or happenstance.

    They say ignorance is bliss and being unaware, good or bad of how someone’s life that’s removed from my heart, mind and life is a thing of joy.
    I faced a situation at work the other day with coworkers reminiscing about someone I don’t remember fondly, I let them go on for two minutes too long and then had to shut it down, bluntly telling them move to the next subject because they know how I feel already and I’m not interested in dredging it all up and beating that proverbial dead horse into sticky glue.
    It’s ax pointless and unresolvable conversation so leave it where it was in the past and move on.

    It also helps that I’m not a social media person and keep my connections compartmentalized.
    Which in hindsight makes me admit I’m also a bit of a control freak and henceforth circles back to why I put unpleasantness out of my life and move on from bad connections.

  4. I’m a bit of an obsessor
    and I know it’s been a major fault in my life,
    so to overcome myself it’s easier to move on
    and forgive and forget the person but not the situation.
    Forgiveness has to be strictly for myself
    because if someone hurt me in some egregious way,
    I don’t want to hold onto or remember them anymore
    or give them unnecessary significance.
    It feels like too much work and the only work I allow for
    is my actual job.

    I find as I get older that life is too short
    and filled with enough good distractions
    than for me to hold onto to memories of bad moments
    and people that I’m better off completely letting go of.

    So I stick with the old adage
    of not wishing them well or wishing them ill,
    I just wish them nothing.
    I put them aside and choose not to interact
    or cross paths with them
    unless by chance or happenstance.

    They say ignorance is bliss
    and being unaware, good or bad of how someone’s life
    that’s removed from my heart, mind and life
    is a thing of joy.
    I faced a situation at work the other day
    with coworkers reminiscing about someone
    I don’t remember fondly,
    I let them go on for two minutes too long
    and then had to shut it down,
    bluntly telling them move to the next subject
    because they know how I feel already
    and I’m not interested in dredging it all up
    and beating that proverbial dead horse into sticky glue.
    It’s a pointless and unresolvable conversation
    so leave it where it was in the past and move on.

    It also helps that I’m not a social media person
    and keep my connections compartmentalized.
    Which in hindsight makes me admit
    I’m also a bit of a control freak and henceforth
    circles back to why I put unpleasantness out of my life
    and move on from bad connections.

  5. I say no. My ex of many years could’ve been on fire next to me, and I wouldn’t have spat on him. 0 exaggeration. 0 sauce. I literally would’ve been indifferent to letting him burn and walking down the street. And I know that sounds ‘cruel’, but I meant it.

    We eventually got to a place where we’d say hello if in shared company. That’s all I got.

    Some ppl, unless and until they right their wrongs, are meant for the ‘fuk you’ box.

  6. When I’m done with someone, I’m done with them. I had two guys that I thought were my friends and they fucked me over badly. When things ended, I told them they were dead to me. One reached out to me a few years back through a mutual acquaintance, trying to reconnect because he was “saved” now. He was a bad alcoholic ho during our friendship. I told him I had no interest in revisiting any kind of relationship with him. I then told the mutual acquaintance that I did not appreciate them giving out my telephone number to someone I was not interested in speaking to.

    I have no interest in going backwards. I will be cordial, but I’m not going to act like everything is fine and dandy. As folks have told me, I can be a cold mofo when I want. LOL

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