IF MY MOTHER WASN’T READY, SHE SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD ME

^that is me as a baby.
do you see my hair?
i was told that my mother never washed my hair.
she had my hair in plats until i was like 5.
when they finally took the plats out,

i had a bad rash and fungus underneath.
they found it disappointingly funny when i was told the story.

If my mother didn’t have any clue how to raise me,
why didn’t she just kill me?

she could have lived her life freely without the responsibility.
i think i was destined to either be a drug addict or a crazy person.
all the adults in my life didn’t help me in my growth at all…

i was a bastard.
an “oops! whoopsie baby!“.
my mother did not want to be with my father.
they hooked up,
an accident happened,
and i was born.

My mother never taught me about finances.
She never taught me about falling in love or sex.
She never taught me about life.
I watched her chase behind men and live way beyond her means.

She didn’t prepare me for life as an adult and I’m paying for it now.

When she left me with my grandmother,
she never thought to teach me those things either.
All my grandmother was teaching me was to set me up for paradise.
That is all I heard growing up in the Jehvoah’s Witnesses.
How if I didn’t do this or that,
I wouldn’t be able to play with lions,
tigers,
and bears.
Oh my!
It was all about being one of the “144 thousand” who make it in.
My grandmother was ready to pull me out of school due to her beliefs.
She swore the world was gonna come to an end.

I was being held hostage from being able to see my father.
My grandmother didn’t care for him so she kept him away.
When I did see him,
it was for haircuts and school uniforms.

i wasn’t set up for success as an adult tbh.
i spent so many years as an adult trying to make people see me.
make people love me.
the love that i needed from the adults in my youth.
all they did was buy me toys and games.
i was privileged in that aspect,
but i needed to be loved in a healthy way.
you can’t buy kids.
so as an adult,
i was just “there“.
it made me feel i had no place in this world nor did i belong,
i didn’t realize or believe in my power.
i am a powerful loving being that gave love to the wrong people.
the people who reminded me of my growing pains.
thats why i had such a taste for unemotional people especially males.
it was familiar to me.
everything stems back from them.

If they didn’t want me,
they should have killed me.

i don’t think abortion was a thing in barbados during that time.
i can only imagine how many other kids grew up like me.
so we dealt with abuse and trauma because we weren’t wanted.
my cousin was wanted.
so i have to deal with all this fuckin trauma,
feeling like i’m behind in life,
and not as confident as i should be.
thanks Mum.

lowkey: i could have saved this for my personal journal,
but that isn’t what i am about.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

9 thoughts on “IF MY MOTHER WASN’T READY, SHE SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD ME”

  1. Don’t you dare do that Jamari! You take that, and you strive to make your life BETTER than what you was given. I came from a similar situation my parents weren’t a couple and it was a one night thing. I didn’t learn how to be a lot of things most men should have but you take what you DO know and make it better for yourself. We got yo back regardless J and just because they thought it was funny, doesn’t mean its funny to somebody else. Look where you have gotten from that point! Look at you now! You are not that same little boy with fungus under his hair. Look in the mirror, that is a grown ass man now. He has done a lot better for himself than he what he think he has. That’s who Jamari is. That is the person you are now. You don’t have to forget how you grew up but you can move past it and make a damn better life for yourself now. Not gon let you get this far and keep putting yourself down like that.

    1. ^ this is something i would have wrote in my personal journal,
      but i felt like these feelings are something males who were raised by single mothers often go through.
      when you are from an island where the standard is married before kids,
      it’s a whole different life journey when you see all your friends with their parents and you don’t have that home life.
      my mother was often not there and i was left with my grandmother,
      who had other plans than a healthy growing up for me (and a couple others she raised).

      a lot of the trauma and abuse i dealt with growing up still effects me,
      but working on it has helped bring a lot to the surface.
      i’ve come a LONG way and i’m grateful that you have noticed that.
      i’ve been having a lot of thoughts lately that i’ve been hesitant to release.
      after writing that,
      i felt better because i’ve been holding it in for a while.
      the rona life also doesn’t help in stirring up a lot of emotions too.

      andre leon talley’s death and reading up on his background last night pushed me to write this today too.

  2. Jamari, The Most High loves you. And don’t you forget that. My heart aches for you when I read your story. And looking at your childhood pictures. You were so precious. 🥰 And I know it’s hard to understand and accept WHYYYYYYYY certain things happened to you as a child. I can totally understand how you feel. And there’s a reason why ALLLL of these traumas are beginning to surface now. But it’s time for you to begin to HEAL your trauma. So that you can be the best version of YOU that this world can see! And you ARE!!!! *sidebar: I know that many may not understand, but I’m into astrology/astronomy, etc. And currently the Lunar Nodes are in the axis of Taurus/Scorpio. So what that means is, during the next 1.5 years, people will be dealing with DEEP ROOTED ISSUES from their past! And we just had a Full Moon in the sign of Cancer this past Sunday (i.e. Jan. 16, 2022). So ALLLL of this energy signifies us opening up old wounds, so that we can address them and finally begin to heal them one final time, clear them and be healed from them forevermore! So you just keep moving forward dear! We love you!!!! 🙏🏾♥️💯🔥

    1. ^thank you kary ❤️

      is this why i’m so emotional these days?
      geez louise.
      i am glad i opened up to the foxhole with that.
      as my favorite phrase goes: God is still working on me.

  3. Theres nothing wrong in being transparent, but you have done great things and you’re pressing forward. We cant control our origins but we have power to change our future. The future is bright for you J.

  4. I can relate Jamari. My father was an alcoholic before I was born nd my mother still married him nd he left both of us before I turned 2, so it’s definitely a generational curse. thx god I never turned to liquor for comfort but I cant except love as I should. I’m a Gemini so people are constantly calling me mean or cold it’s just I have protect myself from bullshit that can obviously seee. But we have to keep learning nd defying the odds. I love You & your blogs keep pushing black King. 💯✊🏽

    1. Jamari, thank you for sharing a part of your story. See this is why I love coming to this blog because it really is a place where black gay men can come together and find a safe space and community with each other. We all carry our own wounds and scars and being to relate and connect to one another is the key to healing and moving forward united and stronger. You grew up Jehovah Witness and that explains a lot of the church hurt you carry. I’m not of that practice so I have some strong opinions about how they carry on but I’m not trying to open that can of worms lol. Your story gives insight into a lot of what you’ve posted over the years. The only thing I can say is that I pray whatever you feel is lacking and missing from your adult skill set and life that God brings you what you need when you need it.

      I’m loving these comments and I pray Jamari receives the feedback he’s been receiving all week. People are pouring into you because of a need that the God feels for you. We have to be open to receive and let it marinate not be so quick to respond. A season of healing awaits you sir. I hope you walk into it. There is so much beauty, joy and purpose that you have to share with the world. Don’t let the past rob you of it. Also I apologize if my delivery rubbed you the wrong way, I am a Taurus and we are blunt.

  5. I guess you never know someone until they tell there story.

    For some you are living your best life. Great Blog, living life in your truth and unapologetic, being comfortable in your skin to love and live freely not having to deny who you are on a hourly basis. That alone is pure happiness.

    I don’t want to minimize your past but I want to maximize the space you are in because what I see is a remarkable black man with the ability to get past all the bullshit and find the strength to be a proud member of the LGBTQ community freely as a Caribbean man. A bunch of us wish we could love and live in the space you are in.

If you wouldn't say it on live TV with all your family and friends watching, without getting canceled or locked up, don't say it on here. Stay on topic, no SPAM, and keep it respectful. Thanks!

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