^that is me as a baby.
do you see my hair?
i was told that my mother never washed my hair.
she had my hair in plats until i was like 5.
when they finally took the plats out,
i had a bad rash and fungus underneath.
they found it disappointingly funny when i was told the story.
If my mother didn’t have any clue how to raise me,
why didn’t she just kill me?
she could have lived her life freely without the responsibility.
i think i was destined to either be a drug addict or a crazy person.
all the adults in my life didn’t help me in my growth at all…
i was a bastard.
an “oops! whoopsie baby!“.
my mother did not want to be with my father.
they hooked up,
an accident happened,
and i was born.
My mother never taught me about finances.
She never taught me about falling in love or sex.
She never taught me about life.
I watched her chase behind men and live way beyond her means.
She didn’t prepare me for life as an adult and I’m paying for it now.
When she left me with my grandmother,
she never thought to teach me those things either.
All my grandmother was teaching me was to set me up for paradise.
That is all I heard growing up in the Jehvoah’s Witnesses.
How if I didn’t do this or that,
I wouldn’t be able to play with lions,
It was all about being one of the “144 thousand” who make it in.
My grandmother was ready to pull me out of school due to her beliefs.
She swore the world was gonna come to an end.
I was being held hostage from being able to see my father.
My grandmother didn’t care for him so she kept him away.
When I did see him,
it was for haircuts and school uniforms.
i wasn’t set up for success as an adult tbh.
i spent so many years as an adult trying to make people see me.
make people love me.
the love that i needed from the adults in my youth.
all they did was buy me toys and games.
i was privileged in that aspect,
but i needed to be loved in a healthy way.
you can’t buy kids.
so as an adult,
i was just “there“.
it made me feel i had no place in this world nor did i belong,
i didn’t realize or believe in my power.
i am a powerful loving being that gave love to the wrong people.
the people who reminded me of my growing pains.
thats why i had such a taste for unemotional people especially males.
it was familiar to me.
everything stems back from them.
If they didn’t want me,
they should have killed me.
i don’t think abortion was a thing in barbados during that time.
i can only imagine how many other kids grew up like me.
so we dealt with abuse and trauma because we weren’t wanted.
my cousin was wanted.
so i have to deal with all this fuckin trauma,
feeling like i’m behind in life,
and not as confident as i should be.
lowkey: i could have saved this for my personal journal,
but that isn’t what i am about.