I Always Cum First.

tumblr_mv32huq06e1r338b3o1_500lunch.
today.
alone.
the line at subways was od long.
this random older white vixen starts talkin to me.
i like talking to strangers.
you can learn a lot.
we started to chit chat about the weather and other things.
she says:

“you give off good vibes.
you have a good spirit.”

“thanks.
you should tell other people that.
the ones who hurt me.”

“they’ll learn soon.”

little did she know,
i was really feeling like my heart has been ripped out my chest.
it’s sad how i’m just aimlessly living life.
a life where:

i don’t realize my own strength and power
i’m lookin’ for someone to love me
i put others before me
i allowed and tolerated disrespect

i came to a decision today.
well i came to it two weeks ago,
but i shared it with a closer reader in emails.

this afternoon is when i really set it in stone

i’m not interested in dating anyone right now.
i’m not interested in fucking anyone right now.

i’m not together.
i need to get me together.

i am a mess.

i would be lying if i said i wasn’t.
i’m not ready.
the last “situation” has shown me that.
so the new journey is one of self-love.
i already started,
but you get my drift.

what i realized is i’m not strong enough at all.
anyone can say:

“ima do such and such to…”

…but it’s another to actually deal with someone.
when you don’t love yourself,
you open yourself up to be destroyed.
i have been destroyed.
i am currently putting myself back together.
piece by piece.
this is my new story.

 “i cum first…
and you’ll deal.”

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i scrapped the old book and started a new one.
i need to get my mind,
body,
soul,
and these damn emotions
in check.
i need to know what true love feels like.
the one that only i can provide.
i guess that is blessing that came out of all of this.

tumblr_mb75yr94TV1qmfh3w

at least i’ll be a better fox because of it.

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Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

18 thoughts on “I Always Cum First.

  1. These learning lessons life throws at us are at Bitch. I feel like I’m never ready for them, lol great post tho There was an episode of SATC where Carrie was coming to the realization that she might not find the special someone and instead of being down about she should spend more time loving herself and doing thing I her self without hiding behind a book, out with friends, or even a book. She was sitting there drinking a glass of red wine by herself enjoying it.

    Once you truly love yourself you won’t feel the need to be validated by anyone else. When someone tells you “you’re attractive” or “you’re smart” you won’t have to hang on to their every last word you’ll already know these things about yourself. Thus making the way someone gets in your heart that much more

    1. ^ive always been trying to “find a wolf”.
      always.
      trying to keep up the gay joneses and always feeling like I didn’t fit in.
      its no one’s fault but my own.

      1. Don’t worry you’re not alone I’m the same way. I see all of these couples lovey dovey and I wonder when it’s gonna be my turn sigh.

  2. I’m totally with you on this new journey J! Anything I can do to help you just let me.

    I haven’t busted a nut (TMI lol) since December, I’m doing the sexual energy, remember we talked about it on here last year. My focus is on 1000 right now, but I’m very snappy though lmao.

    Just like you, I decided to focus on myself. I stopped looking for dudes to love me. I started loving myself. With the help of few really close friends, your boy confidence is slowy but surely getting back up. Today, I joined the gym after a 1 year and I noticed guys were checking me out. I was like daaang I still got it. Granted I gained a few pounds, so I look a little bit more “masculine”, whatever that means.

    All this just to tell you it all start will self love, I know it sounds cliche, but it’s true. I’m totally not the same dude I was few months ago.

    We love you J! And please, stop looking for validation. You the shit, point blank period. End of discussion. People think I’m condescending, but I’m think I just starting to love myself again, and it shows let put it that way…

    With Love all the way from Austin, TX

    1. ^thanks love.
      congrats on you coming to the point in your journey!!
      everyone gets to that point where they “woke”.
      i was in slumber for a hot minute,
      but im coming up out of this shit.

  3. It is March so refresh yourself. Then in April you’re supposed to have two pieces of chocolate coins for good luck and when you are feeling down o defended you eat the chocolate to lift you up

  4. This is a great outlook to have. I’m in the same boat with not wanting to date anyone or be in a relationship. I have so many things I’m trying to get together and I really don’t need someone in my life who will be a distraction.

  5. I’m gonna leave you a testimony on tumblr and maybe it’ll inspire you, because I was in a similar scenario and emotional space that you were/are in. Hope you’ll be fine with it. And I’m happy for you.

  6. It’s great that you recognized that there’s a cycle that needs to be broken. I’m on that same mindset too. After some bad experiences, I’m numb to the thought of any kind of relationship, romantic or not. Right now, I need to focus on myself and fall in love with me all over again.

    I know you talked about it here before, but I would definitely recommend reading Devon Franklin and Meagan Good’s book “The Wait.” I was already on the path towards being celibate, but watching their interviews made me realize I made the right choice. I’m not very religious and it spoke to me on a level beyond the aspect of sex. Maybe that should be your next book club choice.

  7. Wow, this was a really raw, honest post. You really opened your soul up to us.

    You are young — you have a long, great life ahead. You will learn from this experience and grow. Take it day by day, don’t take it so hard, and be good to yourself each day.

    I know some of my comments to you are harsh. They are harsh because I’m much older and been through the lessons and took charge of my life and sexuality. So like many older folks I’m getting crotchety and impatient with younger people (lol).

    But although we have never met please know I love and support you, even when you frustrate the fuck out of me. I have to realize that in many ways you are alone — you don’t have parents around to bounce things off of. I know that’s hard.

    My partner “Van” and I read your blog (I read this entire entry to him out loud at 4:30 a.m. in the morning!) and we talk about you. I have to admit some days we are mad at you and some days we are like, “Yes, he finally gets it!”

    This is morning we woke up and agreed, “Yes, he REALLY is finally getting it.” Don’t worry. You will get through this. And if you need advice please keep trying to get therapy (although I know you had some issues with your appointment).

    Take care and I know you will have a blessed day today!

    Immanuel

    P.S. I ate at Subway too today. I love the veggie delite sub (Sometimes I go on vegetable only diets for weeks and this is that time). The line was short so I didn’t get to chat up anybody in line. Trust and believe God sent that older white Vixen your way for a reason!

  8. The perfect life…..what is it? What does it take to attain it? Is there anyone on this planet who has one? If I were born with super model looks and had a fit and toned body with millions of dollars to buy anything I wanted. If I lived on a tropical island where the weather was always sunny with a cool breeze blowing through my dark, naturally wavy hair. If I had a partner who never had an STD, loved me so faithfully, so passionately and looked like he belonged on the cover of GQ mag. If every time I went out I was the center of attention and the life of the party and everyone wanted to befriend me. If I had all these things and still was a humble and a giving person and all my thoughts were positive and confident. If I had never stubbed my toe or had a tooth ache or had anyone I cared about die. Would I finally be happy? What are we really seeking in this life to make us happy? Does it take all this and more? Is it possible to just be grateful for what we have right now at this moment. Is it possible to just be satisfied with the people who care about and love us today even if they are just friends and family. Is happiness getting everything you want or giving someone else something they need? Is happiness really anything real?

    Just questions.

  9. I know you still have that man on your mind, I can tell, everything in you life will fall into place as it should. You just have to relax and take it one day at a time.

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