How To Feel Small Around Big Balls

i can literally hear my mother in my ear.
so i hate feeling stupid.
i mean,
we all don’t like feeling stupid.
mine comes from years of mental abuse.
so i OD in working hard so i can master something.
in some cases,
it worked wonders.
like my new gig,
it is causing me to fuck up

i am doing a job that is way above my skill set.

i have never done half the things i am doing now.
even though everyone is so friendly and helpful,
i hate feeling like i’m not good at something.
well with this new gig,
i’m not really good at a lot of things.
i hate to constantly apologizing for minor fuck ups.

they wanted me to do something i never did before.
i nearly fucked that up.
i had to ask for help.
the common sense thing to do,
but i realized just how much of a novice i am in this new environment.
it low key has me feeling sorta inadequate.
i know i shouldn’t feel that way,
but i’m way past that line in my head.
i’m a couple blocks down at the bar,
drowning myself in vodka shots,
and contemplating being a hooker.
i’m still so very new so i shouldn’t be too hard on myself.

i know that won’t happen tho also.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

18 thoughts on “How To Feel Small Around Big Balls”

  1. I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself but I understand completely where you’re coming from. My fear of the unknown and being put in a situation where I have to learn new things that go over my head scared me.

    But that fear is a good thing, this feeling is one you should remember because it means you’re learning something new and wanting to get better at it. Your drive will get you throught it and you’ll look back at this with gratitude.

    Good luck!

  2. You shouldn’t beat yourself up on not knowing how to do something. We all had to learn everything we know now from some starting point. View this as a challenge for yourself to rise to a new level. You constantly talk about improving yourself, well this is a part of it. Don’t be afraid to admit that you are not good at something yet. Ask for help and make sure that you repeat each step to those who show you how to do it correctly for confirmation. Write things down if you have to. Review these things on your breaks or maybe after work. I know it sucks, I’m in a sort of similar situation. For now you are still the new guy, you’ve been there what maybe a month? You need to milk that and gain all the help, advice and how to’s you can from anyone who is willing to help you. Now, if a year from now you feel the exact same way in the exact same position, then you should have something to worry about. But for now this is just a new installment in the game called life and you are trying to figure out the controls. If you are diligent in trying to find the answers and vigilant in PRACTICING them, you should be good. I have faith in you. Good luck (also ask Santa for an instruction manual for this job for Christmas 🎅🏿)

  3. Its good your asking for help, as long as you grasp the skill fast. Hell, if you have to practice after work so you can be at everyones pace. Also were the skill set brought up to you in the job description? Also sometimes we have to be our own critic.

  4. This is the age of information, can you look up what you’re doing on the web? Every river began as a trickle, you just gotta keep eroding away that rock hard fear of failure and flow better than you used to

  5. Im worried that you ARE fucking up..not because you are above your skill set. You may be fucking up because you are branding yourself as frustrated instead of eager, drowning instead of learning to swim, a corner bodega instead of the first store of a chain of thousands. “Im so excited because finally Im learning new things.” ” It has been so long since I had this sense of growth.” ” Please show me how you did that, I really want to get better.” ” Can I help you with that project. I don’t know much about it but I like learning and I work hard.” Don’t let CEO wolf hear you say anything else until your 3rd anniversary. Remember is that the alternative is being excellent at a job you hate!! Nobody longs for kindergarten because 1st grade is least nobody who makes it out of elementary school. You wrote this post because you know these things. You know that voice in your head calling you a fuck-up is the Enemy, whose job is destruction. Assume that you are only half as good as you think you are at not letting your struggle and insecurity show at work. Stop it! Who was it who said that its not failure we fear but success? Calling yourself a fuckup weeks into a new gig is like falling in love with a straight cheater. It is self sabotage designed to protect you from uncertainty by defining in advance where the pain will come from. It is emotional cutting to focus the pain and it isn’t healthy.

  6. People would rather you ask questions first then to mess up then ask later. My new department is the same way and everybody is scared to ask the doctors for fear of bothering them but me I was knocking on doors sending emails organizing things and now people who’ve been here for years ask me for things and the doctors always say how they love how I’m not afraid to ask. Don’t be discouraged God blessed you with this job because you can do it you just have to ask more questions it also shows your interested in the job as well

  7. Friend, GET OUT OF YOUR WAY!!!!! If there was a post that disclosed your age, I missed it. I guessing mid to late 20’s or early 30’s. You are a Black Gay Man living amerikkka. This society was purposefully designed to make you feel inadequate and self-conscious. Knowing that and knowing yourself, it is time to give yourself some tough love.

    Again I say, our environment and the media have bombarded people of color with all kinds of skewed versions of ourselves. It’s amazing to me how we continue to lead the way in all things fabulous in a system whose sole purpose is to destroy us.

    What we cannot do is add to the boatload of bullshyt shoved our way every day. Time out for accepting our issues as inevitable; the only thing inevitable is death…. and, at the rate medical science is moving, we might be able to hold that office pretty soon.

    The CEO came to you. The CEO saw something in you. The CEO said when you get the notice of your layoff, you have a job. Tell yourself that every morning or as often as it takes.

    Finally, Google is a GODsend!!!! Look up the responsibilities typical for your new position. Get ahead of the game. Ask them about those common duties and what are the their company specific protocols for said duties. Anticipate questions and issues as you learn new duties and skills, and develop contingencies for possible malfunctions (not fuck-ups). Don’t tell them you don’t know; tell them you are unfamiliar with how THEY do things THERE. If you don’t have an interactive tablet, get one. Prioritize, Divide and Conquer.

    When you feel overwhelmed, track down the one that saw something in you….the CEO. As long as he is happy, you are good baby. This is where the rubber meets the road. This is a test of the indomitable Spirit HE has placed in you. Only you can stop you. I am so proud of what you have already accomplished in your life. It is truly an honor to watch GOD align things for your success (Jeremiah 29:11, put it on your mirror and desk); it is a wonder to behold…..vicariously, of course.

    Praying for you my brother. Your success is success for all of the wildlife that constantly tune in for a peek into the life of Jamari MuthaFrucking Fox!!!! Asé, brother fox.


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