i have this need,
maybe a want,
to always put people before my own happiness.
i can live in my head a lot and that casts the most doubt about myself.
i have this desire to always want to be another’s good graces,
the ones i desire or want to impress to look my way,
even though they don’t show me the same energy.
this constant need to brighten my light,
make sure things are perfect,
but then left disappointed when those same people don’t look my way.
you know what it’s like?
you and your hubby.
he hasn’t been paying much attention to you lately.
you feel like he is slipping from you.
so you clean the crib,
cook his favorite meal,
and wear your best jock strap for desert.
when he comes home,
he walks in and doesn’t things are spotless.
even the fancy glade air freshener goes unnoticed.
he tells you that he ate at work,
had a long day,
and goes to bed because he has to get up early.
you know that disappointed feeling?
that empty feeling?
the feeling of worry like you don’t matter anymore?
that’s how i feel.
i been feeling like i give so much of myself to everyone,
but i don’t get the same in return and i’m left empty af.
i did it at that last job,
wolves i really liked,
and friends i thought gave me the same energy.
i’ve allowed myself to get broken and i don’t know how to fix myself again.
a lot of folks have broken me the last few years.
i admire those who truly just do what they want.
it’s so sexy to me.
those are the ones who seem to shift energy anywhere they are.
rihanna been saying she was gonna drop an album and nothing has dropped yet.
we gonna have to wait until she is ready.
that “ima do what i want and ya’ll gonna have to deal” attitude is admirable to me.
maybe it’s my virgo moon that wants analyze and create perfection,
my cancer sun is filled with random ass emotions,
but my aquarius rising is trying to be detached and aloof.
i don’t know,
but i want to be better at loving and putting myself first.
this has been my biggest obstacle.
low-key: the pretty vixen always said to me that things work for me when i don’t “try”.
i get better results when i’m not out here trying to hard.
with some things,
i do it subconsciously and not even realize it.