how could someone so beautiful and muscular take his own life?

a majority of people are suffering in silence.
so i want you to do me a favor foxhole.
look at everyone without the:


strip away some of these masks and if you really pay attention.,
you’ll see the real person.
we see glimpses of their true selves with what they’re passionate about,
what offends them,
how they treat others,
and often when they’re in extreme cases of high stress.
more often than not,
it shows you exactly who someone really is.
the foxhole has been sending me the tragic loss of another shining star.
he was an influencer,
underwear designer,
and  hair stylist by the name is tai couture.
he took his own life yesterday.
of course,
everyone is shocked.
one title in an article said:

“A picture perfect facade masks a world of pain”

if i’ve learned anything,
being a blogger and a human in general…


we get so caught up in beauty,
their “onlyfans“,
and how much they lift in the gym,
that we don’t often realize they want to feel needed.
folks are literally hurt children screaming out for attention.
social media has made it easy for anyone to achieve fame,
but we often get wrapped in their highlight reels than look at the bigger picture.
even with all the massive likes and followers,
many in his comments ogling over his bawdy,
tai was not happy.
that is telling that even with all that attention,
that didn’t stop him from taking his own life.

i don’t know tai or his struggles,
but he isn’t here with us any longer.
we have to always remember that everyone has a struggle.
some don’t express themselves because:

Their parents didn’t allow them to
They were shamed for doing so
They weren’t allowed to because of being popular/always having to be “on”
They had to be everyone else’s shoulder

They learned to direct the attention off what’s really bothering them

gay males are more suasible to this.
it can be a very lonely for one,
and two,
many gay males grew up in extremely abusive environments.
we repeat the same toxic traits that some of us were taught.
some of us act like the same straights or parents who tormented us.
it’s not fair or kind.

foxhole and all of you who fuck heavy with me:


if no one has told you that recently,
ill font you that.
i’ve personally reached out to those when i’m at my lowest and they always respond.
i thank them and thank you for being on this journey with me and holding me down.
i appreciate you.

May Tai continue to rest peacefully

low-key: we gotta stop telling other gay males when they’re struggling…

“You need to go get some dick”

tai had a nice bawdy,
21.4k followers on ig,
and pulling in close to 1,000 likes on many of his pics/videos.
i’m sure he had no issues getting sex in society,
yet his funeral is going to be next week.

“Do you need someone to talk to?”

let’s try that.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

25 thoughts on “how could someone so beautiful and muscular take his own life?”

  1. Many ,”Attractive, Rich, Sexy , Popular” ( In Quotes) Humans often do NOT see themselves as others do

    For decades I personally dealt with this distorted Self Image. ( Wasted a lot of time hiding)

    My heart aches for him and anyone else who suffers ( Sad)

    1. ^im always there and constantly second guess myself,
      my talents,
      and attraction levels because of body dysmorphia.
      just the other day,
      i saw myself on camera from someone else’s lens and wanted to vomit.
      in my eyes,
      i looked hideous and wondered why anyone would even find me attractive.

      it’s real out here and people think it’s a game.
      most of are legit sad and two seconds away from killing ourselves.

      whatever hell tai was in mentally,
      he is out of his pain now.

      1. ^im always there and constantly second guess myself,
        my talents,
        and attraction levels because of body dysmorphia.
        just the other day,
        i saw myself on camera from someone else’s lens and wanted to vomit.
        in my eyes,
        i looked hideous and wondered why anyone would even find me attractive”

        👆🏾THIS. If those of us who suffer from this outlook can overcome it there’s no telling what we could do. I have thoughts like this a few times a day and it can be draining, especially because Im good at hiding it through my friendly disposition at work. Smh

        1. ^when i saw that video,
          i was so disgusted.
          i wanted to cry but i didn’t complain about it or show it bothered me.
          deep down inside tho….

          i’m tired of being at the mercy of my insecurities.

  2. I too struggle with bouts of depression, I pray a lot, work out and try not to focus on life issues that make me sad. It’s good to surround yourself with good friends/family. I usually feel better once pour out my heart to God. That’s a release for me, I can’t speak for others, but like you said, the struggle is real, no amount of money or fame can insure happiness. When we strive to please others and work towards wrong motives, it almost always a recipe for disaster. Just be yourself, and do your best!!

    1. ^some of these folks need a genuine friend.
      not the ones that are always traveling with them or doing sex shows.
      i mean someone that they can talk to without judgment.
      i often just want to feel wanted and appreciated by other males on a friendship level.

      my door is always open.

  3. There’s some real major issues with self image going on with people. I’ve had to struggle with depression in the past but I have a strong will to live. My main driving force is not myself though, it’s other people. I may be going through, but someone else may be doing the same or even worse.

    People are so focused on themselves & anguish they fail to realize the beauty that surrounds them.

    As I grew up in a harsh environment I was beaten up about it for a looooong time but once again I rise. My will to live is stronger than my despair to depart. I made up mind..nothing is gonna change that. For ever how much pain I am going through, someone else probably has it worse.. Time to change that.

    The main thing I tell my best friend is…if you don’t believe in you, no matter how much talk you get, nothing’s gonna change. You have to want to change and turn your path around.

    And to be frank:

    If I decided to kill myself tomorrow, what a disservice that would be to my family members, bae, to all the potential people I could meet in the future, the children I could teach and the lives I could inspire from using my talents. It’s not just about me, it’s about how I plan on changing the world.

    How can I make a positive impact on someone else so they won’t have to suffer as I did, because seeing someone else prosper shows me I had the power within me all along.

    Everyone may not like me, but dammit they can’t stop me from making a change or inspiring someone, even if it’s one person to do better and there are 7.6 billion people on this Earth, so I’m game.

    I know and love my existence too much to let a warped delusion guide my future.

    Your biggest and first enemy is yourself. If you continue to spoon-fed yourself lies, it will become your diet. Once you regurgitate that nonsense, what can anyone say to stop you?

    Old co-workers of mine were gripping about their problems…and my life this and my struggle that and I’m like..What the hell are you talking about?

    Have you ever just stopped and thought for a moment about the folks that have it way worse than you?

    Ever wonder what it’s like to wake up in a Russian country and fear your parents will send you off to a gay conversion camp?

    How about a woman in the Middle East who was burned alive for speaking against the male sexual abuse she went though?

    How about waking up in an African land and you drink, play, piss and shit in the same river where there are crocodiles waiting to snatch you up as soon as you step towards the water…People have to go through this DAILY.

    Ever see the video of the most ugliest woman in the world? Think on her for a minute and her appearance.

    There are people in this world who are born disfigured or end up disfigured from accidents, children who are born blind, without limbs, with failed organs, who have no parents, who live on the streets, who don’t know when their next meal is gonna come and you’re complaining about your problems?

    Show me a man who has conquered himself and I’ll show you one who will inherit a kingdom.

    I used to get some mean looks and I’m sure they thought I was being a bitch when I was trying to get them to focus on the positive aspects of their lives. Y’all talking about what you don’t have or go through but what about all things you do have & have accomplished so far.

    While, I may have those thoughts pop up in my head about past torment, that is my PAST, presently trying to remain in my future. Not gonna happen. Still snatching wigs in 2020 and beyond.

    I had one guy who was heavily in church but I called him out on his DL behavior. That boy turned into the exorcist..Told me I was unworthy of love and I should do the Lord a favor and kill myself because at least he went to church and God loved him much better.

    My response: I laughed.

  4. I love this post and everything you fonted here Jamari. We all just need to be loved, it’s really that simple.

    He was a beautiful black man, it just goes to show that no one is safe from this type of suffering… imagine people who are deemed “ugly” or “not worthy” by society?

    We all need love and happiness, whether we “earned it” by societal standards or not.

    May he R.I.P. 🙁

  5. He has been very open about his depression and his past suicide attempt. I guess everyone just skipped that video he uploaded to YouTube. He was dealing with a lot of issues in his many relationships and his most recent one stirred up some controversy (he was with a man that considered himself a pastor but they uploaded homemade porn to Twitter or something like that).

    Everyone dragged him and now everyone wants to act shocked that he took his life and want to say that he showed no typical signs of depression. Know who your real friends are, because the internet is something else.

      1. Lol yeah, I used to watch him on YouTube and followed him a bit through his divorce journey. As for the porn video I think I saw it and was like “wait, is that who I think it is”, but I can’t confirm it.

        1. I was JUST gonna comment on that, I didn’t know much about him so I’m not gonna say anything except what I saw/ remember, but yeah I saw his YouTube video where he was saying he was really depressed, and had just broken up with his husband I believe? but yeah I also did see that porn clip years ago, and you know folk in the gay seen tried to “shame” him for making a porn, but again that was years ago, I think jus in general Tho he battled with depression, it’s so sad this is the out come 😔

          1. He was no stranger to the adult world, he used to do videos. Gosh, this his is a similar path I’ve seen few adult performers go down

  6. I find suicides terribly selfish. What do you think your family and friends have to say or go through after you have selfishly taken your life? To what end? Suicides create more problems for the loved whilst you selfishly decide to be or not to be….

    Suicide also takes amazing strength. Imagine you deliberately make up your mind to bring your life to an end. Death is so easy especially when you don’t have to deal with the hurt of burial…..SIGH…To just get up and quit….WOW….what a dramatic ending to a life!

  7. This is so tragic. I’ve been following him since his first marriage. I was dreading this day. Such brilliance lost because as much as people tell you that they love, care, and are supportive of you. Unless you get the proper professional help that’s needed, things only gets worse. No one around him was truly listening to him, even his last pastor/counselor husband or they would have made sure that he was in supervised behavioral treatment. If someone tells you that they are dealing with depression, take it seriously! Ask them if are will to seek professional help or as me and my friends would do “ Babe, we are getting you in scheduled to see someone immediately!” We live in a time now that there is no room for jokes, dismissals or we’ll talk about that tomorrow kinda of attitudes. Let’s strive more to take care of our brothers/sisters right now before we lose another soul!! 💜🙏🏽💜

  8. I kinda followed him. Watched his YouTube with his ex husband and then fell off around the breakup and then picked up around his new boyfriend who he was in deep with a little too soon for my tastes. He did mention bouts of depression and i related to that.

    Folks don’t know… even folks like me that go through bouts of the same thing… the extent of the pain that people are going through.

    I hated to hear this story.

  9. awwwwwww I remember seeing his sextapes with his man he used moan “you’r my king etc” and the husband will call him ” my queen” not in a derogatory way though those vids were hot, I guess he wasn’t happy after all,

  10. You can have all the money in the world and be as fine as fine can be and still be miserable. I wish he could’ve gotten the help he needed so he would still be around. I pray for his family and friends during this hard and difficult time.

  11. Jamari, I was about to cuss you out for the name of this topic until I read what you wrote.

    I’ve come to the conclusion that in 2019, people just aren’t happy. Periodt. Our world is low vibrational and dark. Only Fans? Seriously? In the past that person would have been vilified and called a prostitute. Today all heads have to say is, “get money bitch” *insert Khia gif*

    Just look at photos from 10 or 20 years ago, before all of the dumb ass technology we have today consumed us and peep how genuinely happy everyone looks. Even the children looked happy back then. Kids today look like they’re on the verge of tears. Probably thinking about how they’ll never have the lives their so-called friends have on Instagram.

    People are too consumed with appearances. They’re not afraid to admit that something is wrong, but they are afraid to seek help for their problem(s) because they don’t want it to take away from their life or be labeled as “crazy”.

    Yes social media is to blame, but we also have to look at these people’s upbringings and environments.

    I met Tai years ago when I lived in Philly during undergrad. He was a skinny, awkward, brown skinned cutie with hair down his back. He drove a cream colored Mercedes and had a $3200 Louis Vuitton backpack in his backseat.

    He was what a lot of folks would call fem and probably write off as far as dating, but there was something very innocent, yet magnetic about him.

    I’m a nosy mf so I flat out asked him how he was able to afford a $900 car note and a bookbag 4x that much… I’m from New York so automatically I think everyone is a scammer or a D-boy. “I’m a hairstylist,” he told me.

    I cut hair on the side back then, so we started sharing “battle stories” and that gave us some common ground. Before I knew it, we were talking about everything under the sun and moon.

    Tai could talk yo.

    He told me his mother modeled, and that he followed in her footsteps as a kid. He got into acting, but when that didn’t go far, he went to beauty school and ended up becoming very successful. At the time he had just wrapped taping his first season of a reality TV show called, Tears Shears and Beauty.

    He seemed like he had a lot to live for.

    We talked for a few months until we dropped out of contact. I moved back to New York after graduation and he ended up on Cocodorm.

    I’d see him on the apps from time to time over the years and be in awe at his physical transformation.

    Muscle-bound and tatted, in my eyes he was still the shy cutie with the wild hair stories.

    Last year I stumbled upon the thread on that gossip site about him and his boyfriend at the time, Corey, and their YouTube channel.

    I couldn’t bring myself to watch their videos (YouTubers really aren’t my thing) but I was glad to see him doing something with his platform.

    YouTube is the Dollar General version of reality television. The same outcomes people face after getting reality shows (scandals, divorce, broken families, fraud, prison, death) are the same fates faced by YouTubers. Tai’s downward spiral ensued: that mess with his ex Corey, the preacher dude with the alleged 10”, Mike, their breakup, and ultimately Tai’s move to Atlanta.

    I’ve said it in the past, Black gay men would have healthier relationships whence they rid themselves of their trauma(s). Therapy works. Walter Lee Hampton is a prime example of what happens to a Black gay man when he leaves his mental illness untreated for decades.

    Sadly now Tai is too.

    He had all the makings of someone who seemed like was being influenced by a force of imbalance – exactly what depression is.

    Perhaps he thought worldly things would heal his pain, but once the social media likes & hype quell, what more does one have?

    People look at me like I’m a fuckin three-horned unicorn when I tell them I don’t have any social media. I’m not interested in babysitting apps just to upload shit no one cares about and even if I never hear it from anyone else ever again, I know that I possess all of the things inside of myself that people go on to social media seeking.

    People use social media to size themselves up with others and they’re literally killing themselves over lack of likes, seeing “friends” so-called happy relationships, trips, and accomplishments that they don’t think they measure up to. Mark my words a decade from now there will be class-action lawsuits pertaining to social media. It’s all make believe. These people don’t even look like they do offline and even when they do something is lacking. I doubt the sexiest attentionistos have enough personality to keep the average person interested in them longer than 90 seconds.

    But Tai was different, he had personality, he had charisma… he was just sick, and now I’m realizing that lot of them are.

    I watched some of his depression video and honestly I didn’t think he would go through with suicide because he seemed way too narcissistic. I guess depression trumps narcissism.

    His mother posted that his uncle on committed suicide several years ago. Mental illness can be genetic, I had a friend who committed suicide 6 weeks after his mother did, so suicide hits home for me.

    Instead of blogging, vlogging, taking selfies, working out to death, shopping, thotting, drinking or doing some goddamn drugs, see a therapist. It just might save your life.

    Rest well, Tai.

If you wouldn't say it on live TV with all your family and friends watching, without getting canceled or locked up, don't say it on here. Stay on topic, no SPAM, and keep it respectful. Thanks!

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