30 thoughts on “Honesty Is The Foxy Policy”

1. One other thing, make sure it’s not your own pride & ego that’s iggin you. Meaning, if he was being nice you wouldn’t want him – and you’re only tight cuz he’s not falling under your spell…lol

   1. ^grrr!

      1. *buffs nails* yeah…that’s what I thought – don’t hate me cuz I’m holding up a mirror lol :-*

2. jamari you and these LONG ASS READS. you make it hard for a busy fox in the city 😉 definitely want to read and comment on this one later. i can relate. “dueces”

3. jamari you and these LONG ASS READS. you make it hard for a busy fox in the city 😉 definitely want to read and comment on this one later. i can relate. “dueces”

   1. 😉

4. Question: if there was a significant other already existing in your life would this handsome dude distract you from what you would already have and if the significant other hasn’t materalized yet, You could just be sensitive and vunerable to this spider and the web he’s been weaving for you to fall into – I call them clouds with no rain. A cow with no milk- they can’t deliver But they love to see how their voodoo affects others. Treat him like you already have a special someone and all he would be is a co-worker. Keep it professional and keep it moving. Its a waste of time and power…

   1. ^I love this gucci.
      that is actually a good tactic for situations like this.

5. This dude? Still?! Because he’s a co-worker, be professional – that’s it. No extra greeting, no ignoring, just hi & bye, and if you need to speak to him about an email/assignement/project. Stop trying to solve his riddle…it ain’t gonna happen & all you’re doing is frustrating yourself.

   1. Hey Wolf just you earned 3 barks and a sup man for your comment lol.

6. I just commented on yesterday how this blog seems to speak to my situation at any given time and I be damned if you havent touched on something else I am dealing with. I really like this dude who pays me none, he is gay and not really committed to anyone, I get annoyed when I see him talking or interacting with dudes who in my opinion are busta’s, but he wont even give me the time of day, and that messes with my head, I literally have to read some of the comments on this blog to keep my sanity at times, this is the hard part about trying to be strong and move on to someone who will appreciate you. I have this other dude who I met who is crushing on me, and to be honest I am not feeling him at all because I want the dude im crushing on. My crush of course plays these same games of stringing me along but acting non chalant when I hint I want to be more than friends. Sometimes I just want to say F%CK IT when dealing with these men, because they will literally have your mind twisted in knots.

7. We’ve talked about this. Leave him alone. Don’t make friendly excuses like “maybe he’s intimidated” or “maybe he doesn’t like men and you think he does” or “maybe he’s just checking to see what you give” for his less than friendly behavior. Read what you wrote again…

   “A Fox does not deserve to be only spoken to when no one is around.A Fox did not deserve him seeing me walking with a female Vixen co-worker and speed walking away Friday. But, when he saw me alone later, he wanted to be smiling all in my face. A Fox does not deserve to be disturbed from doing my own groove to hear him say, “Sup man”, while no one is around, and we ain’t even cool like that. I also do not deserve to not even acknowledged when others are around. ”

   These are called RED FLAGS. Is this the behavior of someone who’d you like to call a friend? Would you likE to submit yourself to his inconsistent interaction with you for w/e reason he’s doing it? You are not being “nasty” towards him by ignoring him, you are communicating to him that you are uninterested in his antics and he was realizing this and it showed in him going out of his way to make sure you heard him say hello and expressing his discontent with your co-workers. By you continuing to engage him, you’re teaching him that what he’s doing is okay. By talking to him like everything is cool is telling him that you’re perfectly fine with how he is towards you and he will CONTINUE to be that way. He will NOT turn around and start being the ideal person you’ve dreamed up in your head BECAUSE YOU FIND HIM ATTRACTIVE. If you do plan on talking to him like a normal person it would be in your best interest to explicitly tell him about the things that bother you about his behavior and if he continues to be that way you will no longer engage in conversation with him that isn’t work related. And then stick to that assertion.

   1. ^It is the “what if?” and “why was that happening?” questions that had me hooked.
      Curiosity killed the cat, but should never kill a Fox.

   2. You are not being “nasty” towards him by ignoring him, you are communicating to him that you are uninterested in his antics and he was realizing this and it showed in him going out of his way to make sure you heard him say hello and expressing his discontent with your co-workers. By you continuing to engage him, you’re teaching him that what he’s doing is okay. By talking to him like everything is cool is telling him that you’re perfectly fine with how he is towards you and he will CONTINUE to be that way. He will NOT turn around and start being the ideal person you’ve dreamed up in your head BECAUSE YOU FIND HIM ATTRACTIVE. If you do plan on talking to him like a normal person it would be in your best interest to explicitly tell him about the things that bother you about his behavior and if he continues to be that way you will no longer engage in conversation with him that isn’t work related. And then stick to that assertion.

      Hey Vain I agree with mostly what you are saying, however I think I as a man like most men often times I don’t have a clue about how my behavior may or may not be impacting on someone else unless the person tell me. years ago I was at work on the East Coast and I was riding the elevator and an openly gay co-worker got in on the 2rd floor. I said hello to him and I keep looking at the door like most people do when riding a crowded elevator and the gay co-worker got off on the 4th floor and I rode to the 5 floor. Well the next day one of my co-worker told me that “the gay co-worker told him that I was a HUGE!!!! homo-phobe and that I hated gay people,” and I am like what the heck all I said was hello lol.

      I think that this post is really about two things: 1. Interpersonal communication skills, and 2. Work place etiquette.

      I. Regarding interpersonal communication.

      1. In Jar’s scenario I never clearly got what his co-worker’s motives are for behaving the way that his has towards Jar.

      2. I think the only realistic way for Jar to know what the brother’s motivation is he must decide if it is worth it to have a sit down with him and clear the air. If not then it is rational to move on.

      3. I learned over the years never to assume that someone knows how I am feeling or what I am thinking unless I tell them or unless they ask me no matter what kind relationship it may be.

      4. This way I take responsibility for my feelings, I put responsibility on the person for their behavior, and then we are able to set ground rules for future interactions.

      5.Whenever I allow external forces (people, places, or things) to derail me internally, what I actually done is give those forces power over me. Taking responsibility for my feelings and actions through communication allow me to keep my personal and emotional power.

      These communication tactics will extend to relationships outside of work and into our personal relationships. Remember in most cases how we behave at work is usually how we behave in our personal lives.

      II Regarding work place etiquette.

      1. As I said in my earlier post the work place is usually the worst place for an office romance. I am not saying it cannot happen or that it won’t work but if things go south then mostly everyone in the office will know your personal business.

      2. Also Jar is at work and if you are like most of us then you know work is the worst place to have personal drama going on especially if it is labeled as some gay drama.

      3. I think that it at work it is emotionally mature not to compromise one’s personal and professional Integrity for someone who may not have any.

      4. I think that it takes more energy to ignore someone than to talk to someone especially at work and especially when you don’t really know what is going on in that person’s head. Look up the word “cognitive distortions.”

      5. Since Jar is on the low low at work regarding his sexuality he may not want to openly give people room to speculate about his sexuality or that of his coworker. Sexual gossip is the worst type of gossip to be the subject of at work.

      6. Suppose Jar does decide to give the brother the cold shoulder at work, without telling the brother what’s up and the brother reaction is WTF? This can be risky because according to Jar this brother is a “little messy and gossipy,” and my experience is that messy and gossipy are always on the look out for some new mess to start or some new gossip to spread.

      7. I think if Jar’s co-worker start getting heat that he and Jar may have had something going on then he may decide to throw Jar under the bus in order to save his skin.

      Please understand that the above list are just possible things that can happen lol This is why I suggested to Jar that his best move may be to quietly and tactfully pull back from this relationship; talk to the coworker but always have something to do that cuts down on the interactions. The brother will get the cues from Jar and he will back off, and Jar would not have intentionally give him fuel for his fire.

8. I guess I’m considered D/L lol
   But EVERYONE suspects so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
   All I know is if someone of Jamari’s caliber gets at me…
   I’m OUT OUT OUT SOOOOO OUT
   That’s what it’ll take to turn ME out… (sigh)

   1. Hey 18:

      Thanks to E Lynn Harris, Oprah , and the other “on the DL money train” authors nearly all black men in America are considered to be suspect lol. Trust me when I say I know a lot of people who I think are not remotely gay/bi and they tell me countless stories how women will often quiz them on their sexuality so you are in good company lol.

      1. Blk,

         You’re so right! Hell, I’ve been suspect since…
         before I suspected myself LOL (if that makes sense)
         I’m not sure I even want to be out tho despite what I said
         I kind of enjoy the mystery of it all now…
         I’m not super flamboyant AND
         Daddy wasn’t around during my maturing stages
         SO, I throw people off,
         ESPECIALLY Vixens lmao they’re cute

9. “3. How do you know if the person has feeling for you or is even on the DL, I think that many men especially black men like to bait gay brothers into giving them attention to stroke their ego but they really have no sexual interest in you.”

   I’m telling you I’ve seen this happen countless times, especially in high school. Football player starts being semi-cordial with gay dude, maybe speaks to him a few times in passing. Gay dude gets too comfortable and gets his face cracked when he goes in for the kill.

   Hell even dl dudes give raunchy looks or drop hints when they think no one’s watching.

   1. ^^i could never go up to some dude and put myself out there if I do not have any full blown evidence he is feeling me.
      Difference between me and other Foxes is people think I am stuck up and usually have to throw couple signs at me before I take notice.
      I usually just emotionally invest my crush rather than physically go after it.
      I have a giant fear of rejection and hate being wrong lol

      1. plus,
         and this may sound bad,
         but I like being chased and me chasing a dude makes me feel thirsty.
         I never like to inflate egos other than my own.

10. Jar:

    I understand how you feel and unrequited love is the most difficult love to deal with and it happens more so when a person is not aware that you are feeling them. Here are my thoughts on your situation, it is a very good thing that you have admitted to yourself that your feelings and jesters are not being returned and you decided that it is healthy to move on. However I think :

    1. Ignoring him maybe the wrong move because your not speaking to him shows him that he is emotionally significant to you. I learn to speak to people who have done me wrong or that I have an issue with to show them that they are not significant to me.

    2. Work place romances can be the worst types of relationships to have because if/when they go south if you are like to rest of us you will still have to go to work each day and face that person and you run the risk of everybody knowing your personal business. You may find yourself as a topic of many discussions at the office water cooler.

    3. How do you know if the person has feeling for you or is even on the DL, I think that many men especially black men like to bait gay brothers into giving them attention to stroke their ego but they really have no sexual interest in you.

    4. In his mind he is giving you all the signals , but you are not responding to them in a way that they thinks gives him the green light to say sup your place or mine lol.

    5. I don’t know if you are open about your sexuality at work and if so perhaps on some level the thinks keeping your interaction n the low low is his way of checking to see if you can be discrete because if he is on the DL he does not want to run the risk of you outing him at work I think this is one the the major fears that DL brothers have. I remember I fooled around with this brother on and off in high school, and in order to keep others from knowing ,that I was blowing his back out on the reg both at school and in public we acted like we hated each other.

    6. Until you know for sure try not to personalize his reactions or lack of reactions to you, because you really don’t know what he is thinking and he may be unaware that his behavior is bothering you.

    7. If it is that important to you then tell him how you feel perhaps that can open the door to something jumping off lol.

    8. Finally sometimes wanting is not the same as having.

    1. ^^thank you for this breakdown!
       As usual blk, you got me thinking.
       I really appreciate you hitting me with it in these steps.
       I am not open at work or period, but he may have an idea i get down by subtle things I do.
       This maybe all an act to see if I can be trusted.
       He is very secretive about his love life himself.
       But like you said, office romances can be a nightmare.
       you made me see another side and for you,
       I will speak to him when he speaks.
       no need in being nasty for no reason…

       1. Hey Jar:

          Thanks for the feedback and I am always glad to help and from you posts you seem to be an open, caring, and honest person. You use this forum to share your life experiences to help others and I think that you only deserve the best that life and wolves have to offer 😉

11. Are you sure he’s even into men? I say that because I have seen some men who have this curiousity/apprehensiveness of other men they think are gay. Some even like the attention they get from men even if they don’t admit it. Doesn’t mean they are D.L., just means they are intrigued and intimidated by you at the same time. I’ve noticed there’s a big difference in how my straight co-workers interact with the gay ones alone versus when women are around.

    Either way you don’t strike me as the type that has to sit and pine after someone who isn’t showing interest.

    1. ^^shit I don’t know anymore.
       I get along with his boys at work.
       talking shit to each other and having a good time.
       he is the only 1 who I do not get along with…
       … and he is a huge gossiper/instigator at work.

       maybe it’s a “he” thing rather than a “me” thing lol

12. And its so satisfying when you get to give them that “you mad?” Look when ur with somebody else. Maybe if you got off that highschool bull ish you coulda had this. In the words of jill, its a SHAME.

    1. ^^exactly.

       I started to not even speak when he says his random “sup” to me.
       He then tries to make sure he gets my attention next time.
       One time, he said it so loud that it made me jump LOL.
       He was tite when I ignored him and said it to his boy that is cool with me at work.
       Now that I am coming to the light, he is pretty annoying.
       Fine as hell… but this little game is making me smfh at his whole existence.

       1. “i said SUP” like damn im mature, not hearing impared theres a difference. lol. this is inspiring me to do the same. ignore him.

13. I’m with you all the way on this one. Even the jill scott thing. Lol. My sister looks a lot like her. But that’s a lesson every human being has to learn. If they don’t treat you right, ignore you, pretty much leave you wondering if they even consider you an aquaintance, then you gotta go.

    1. ^^Fuck those signs bullshit.
       I need you to get at me HARD BODY.
       We both grown and I’m tired of that duck-duck-Wolf game.

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