“I just can’t be in that lifestyle…” he said.
the other night,
i had a conversation with an older friend i haven’t heard from in years.
he was actually the first male i came out to when i figured out who i was.
it was right after my mother’s death and we attended the same church.
during that time,
he admitted to me that he has had sex with males but “he can’t be in that lifestyle”.
he came up in the 60s and 70s in new yawk.
you read the stories of how being gay was back then.
he told me he thanks his lucky stars he never got any diseases but he watched many die.
during the conversation that we were having…
he noticed how much i’ve grown over the years.
checkmark for me.
he could sense in my voice that i’m stronger now.
another checkmark for me.
he was scared i would be in relationships with males and getting physically abused.
i told him i’ve been mentally and emotionally abused by other males,
but i think God and The Universe ended things before they could get physically abusive.
i thank my God for his protection.
he admitted that he may need to go to therapy.
He is an older male with no identity besides the church.
He had a wife and kids,
but it couldn’t curb his gayness.
He has had sex with other males,
while being married,
but refused to be in any same-sex relationships.
He has these moments where he would like to be in a partnership with another man,
but he quickly snaps out of it and says “I can’t be in that lifestyle”.
It seems like it’s just sex but you can tell he craves intimacy.
He is in his 60s.
i’ve encountered a shit ton of males like this in their 20s and 30s that will be him in their future.
the ones who have played the most games with me.
“I like Jamari,
I want Jamari,
but I can’t be gay/bi.
I can’t see myself being in that lifestyle.
this is why they are such a headache.
once they age and lose their looks,
they are divorced and lonely,
suddenly they want to accept themselves but it’s oftentimes too late.
they could have just accepted themselves at an early age.
being “straight” and having kids rarely ever solves the issue.
I think it makes the hunger stronger.
including the younger ones,
all shine like disco balls from the past lives of males they once had brief encounters with.
from the time i met him way back,
he was living in torment then and now.
i’ll font about what he said that i had to check him on soon.
lowkey: we should consider ourselves really lucky.
we were able to accept ourselves so we didn’t have to live in torment.