remind me never to get high again.
i’m still sorta high right now.
i smoked like 11 hours ago.
i got higher than i’ve ever been in all my life tonight.
i’ve smoked weed before.
i wasn’t really a fan,
but i’ve been so stressed and depressed.
when work wolf offered yesterday i said:
“well why not?”
yeah bad decision…
so at work yesterday,
work wolf texted me and asked what i was doing that night.
i told him i was going to run some errands,
but other than that,
it would be a chill situation.
“you want to go to the movies?”
i didn’t decline.
so after work,
we went to the spot in the lower west side.
the music was loud and it was pretty packed.
work wolf bought me a drink and we just stood there.
the movie started at 730-ish.
we were pretty much around the corner so it wasn’t a big deal.
“you wanna smoke?”
“where are we gonna smoke at?”
“a quiet street.
“will we get caught?”
he told me he does this all the time.
there is an art to smoking on the street apparently.
i guess i missed that memo.
i was already feeling nice,
so i let my inhibitions push me towards letting go.
we found a nice street and he pulled out a massive blunt out his bag.
i took about 6 pulls.
he took more.
the movie was starting in 15 minutes.
we were going to see “black mass” with johnny depp.
work wolf told me it some regular weed.
it didn’t feel like it.
i felt so fuckin’ high.
as i walked,
my legs started feeling like they wanted to give out.
i actually was regretting doing it.
i don’t like not feeling in control of my myself.
as we walked to the theater,
we saw these two snow animals and a cute little cub.
he was pushing a scooter.
“now i seen everything…”
“two gay men and a baby.”
it was like he emphasized the “gay men”.
it felt judgmental.
“you never saw that before?”
“you need to get out more.”
he didn’t disagree.
that is the norm in the city.
where he been?
don’t ask me how i got in the movie theater.
hell how i paid for the ticket.
that part is a blur.
all i know is my mind was going the speed of light.
i could not concentrate.
i felt paranoid.
i tried to think positive,
but it seems it was enhancing all the negatives.
work wolf got more of a personality when he was high.
he is actually funny.
he also seemed to show his insecurities as well.
he kept asking me about how his clothes looked on him.
“you think these pants make me look small?”
like work wolf,
i’m trying to hold myself down to the ground right now.
he bought all the munchie food for us.
i know he kept asking me if i wanted more food at the register.
i could get whatever and he would pay for it.
just get me to my seat please.
don’t even get me started on us standing at the concession stand,
for like what felt to be 10 minutes,
waiting on the butter to come down out the device.
don’t get me started on why neither of us pushed the button.
we was just standing there like two idiots.
i’m positive everyone could tell we were high.
it felt awkward between us tho.
when we are sober,
he sits next to me.
he sat a chair across from me and we put our bags in the empty seat.
“i need space.”
we did longer than usual eye contact,
but i could tell he was trying to keep his distance.
well i was in a very insecure place so that could be a reason.
i didn’t feel comfortable with him at that moment.
as i sat there in the dark,
trying to concentrate on this movie,
i remember feeling so low for even liking work wolf.
i felt bad for some reason.
like i made a mistake.
if i could have walked out the theater and go home,
i would have.
even though i closed my eyes a few times,
i can tell you everything about that movie.
it actually made me paranoid because it was so violent.
every other scene was scene was someone getting shot or beat up.
i even had visions of work wolf beatin’ me up or having me jumped.
i had to ask myself why the fuck am i watching this?
good movie tho.
when we left,
around like 10-ish because that movie was type long,
work wolf admitted he is going to fuck that same vixen he wasn’t interested in later.
“i thought it was over between you two?”
“so i’m guessing it is getting serious.”
“i don’t know.”
apparently he isn’t interested,
she is not his type,
but he is still fuckin’ her.
he was going to fuck her and kick her out.
“that is so mean tho!”
“don’t act like you wouldn’t do it to.”
i honestly wouldn’t if i liked the wolf.
i wouldn’t do it to him if he was down.
“look i work to hard every day to be trying to talk after work.
give me the pussy and go.”
“so she is now a hoe then?”
i don’t think of the vixens i take out as hoes.
she just something to do right now.”
maybe it was the slight highness,
but i was confused.
he told me how he doesn’t want to talk to me about her.
he didn’t answer when i asked the reason.
i had to wonder if she was unattractive or something.
he told me how he is talking to three other vixens right now tho.
all are vixens from his past he isn’t really interested in.
“doesn’t that make you a hoe tho?”
“nah i’m a man.”
“so you’re a man hoe?”
“you wouldn’t understand.”
“he has to be gay,
“you think he is gay?”
the pineapple switching harder than most vixens.
i remember one had muscles and “looked” masculine,
but was a queen when he opened his mouth.
i could tell by the energy tho.
he met me and realized not all gays are “the rule”?
there are a lot of “exceptions” out here.
the foxhole breeds many.
i asked him what has been his longest relationship.
he told me he gets bored quick with vixens.
i knew that already since he already told me.
one thing i noticed is he is very private about vixens with me.
i don’t know what that’s about.
“is it because i’m gay?”
not at all.”
“are you sure?
it seems like it.”
i’m just private.”
the awkward silence went to a quick subject change.
he told me how he had a good time with me.
he said something about he likes putting up with my bitchy attitude.
i won’t lie,
but i get him in check real quick.
i enjoy it.
is that too honest?
i also told him i enjoy his “asshole” ways.
he doesn’t realize how much of an asshole he comes off tho.
“we were made for each other then.”
i guess so.
before he got off,
he told me how much of a bad mood he was in earlier too.
he told me how he uses weed to suppress his anger and other things.
“i think i need anger management or something.
i can’t explain it…”
the crazy part is,
i couldn’t tell he was mad.
that was a little scary.
deep down inside,
he seems like there is a lot going on inside him.
i guess the weed helps him get it together.
he got off the train and i tried to hold my own shit together until my stop.
…and then the train stalled in a tunnel for an hour 1/2.
it brought my entire anxiety out full tilt.
i was thirsty and had no water in my bag.
something told me get some earlier too.
i literally walked in the door about two hours ago.
so i’m here feeling more depressed than when i started.
i feel like i’m not worth a damn thing right about now.
where is my life even going?
i’m a mess.
work wolf is probably fucking and i’m laying here fucked.