foxmail: “We clicked, he smashed my brains out, and ghosted after. Help!”

FOXMAIL

Hey, first let me say i admire you & your blog & tho i rarely comment i have been visiting these blog daily for about the last 5 years faithfully. Continue to shine, florish, inspire & walk into you purpose Jamari YOU are a lot of US.

So heres the thing i am a very discreet guy from a very small city with the chances of meeting someone of substance & on my caliber are slim to none. I have a good job, im establishing myself and elevating in life and in that aspect in life im content. However im in my early 30’s & im beginning to become a little lonely even though i don’t have a problem with being alone but i would be lying if i said that i didn’t want that happily ever after.

Last summer i felt as tho i may have had a little too much “fun” & it wasn’t getting me anywhere so i called myself taking a vow of celibacy until the new year. The stipulations were that i wasn’t gonna give up the goods until i found a nigga that was “worthy” of all that i have to give and i succeeded. Fast forward to last week i met this fine ass sexy young guy online & he persuaded me to come to his dorm after a few days of chatting. i obliged & he ended up giving me undoubtedly the best sex of my life thus far. i mean it was fucking mind-blowing straight out of the shit you would see on only fans & twitter (i fall into a trance evey time i have a flashback).

Like most of us i believed because the sex was good & we seemingly had a connection & he was really into it & me that it would lead to being a regular thing, he even asked me to come back over the next day, however that was last thursday it is now monday & i haven’t heard from him again. at 1st i felt on top of the world & i was very energetic being as tho he was very articulate, mild mannered, nice & fine af! all of the things that i had been missing from previous partners, the energy that was transferred was great until i realized i have been ghosted after sending a msg via text to no response. So then i check his profile & he has been active & clearly on to his next conquest (shocker right). After that revelation my high is now over & i feel as dumb and gullible as can be, like i waited all that time just to fall victim to another fuckboy. With me being an average built guy (i have a little bit of a gut but I’ve got a nice butt & i can dress but i still have a regular amount of self esteem & i would say im about a 7 in the face)

What do you suppose it could have been for him to pull this move on me?
i mean i am completely lost…
What should i do next?

MY ANSWER…

first,
i want to say thank you for showing me all that love.
i appreciate and thank you for joining me on this journey of mine.

when i was young and would hear black vixens talmbout males they dated,
i would often say to myself:

“Dating guys seem like stress.”

when i started dating other males,
i realized that 95% of males are wack af.
you know what i’ve been looking at?
i see so many gay/bi couples these days,
flexin’ their love online,
and i’m left wondering

How did they end up like this?

did they start out fuckin’ and then fell into something?
were they talking heavy before they made it official?
or did it start from dysfunction and will end in disaster sooner than later?
these days,
i don’t know how to be with other males tbh.
i find males go hard with me when i act aloof.
the moment i open up tho it’s:

OMG JAMARI IS TRYING TO RETURN THE FAVOR!
RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when i’m kind and show i’m a decent fox,
i get treated like trash.
i just want some dick and happiness.
am i asking for a lot?

foxholer…
i’m sorry you got dealt a bad dick.
i guess you can say you got some exceptional strokes for 2020,
but i’m sure you wanted more.
we all want more.
i don’t think you did anything wrong but be present.
my first question is…

Did you guys establish what it was during the conversations?

don’t blame yourself because a male was acting like the typical male.
he obviously was looking for sex,
but played the game of “acting interested“.

that is one card males play when trying to get pussy or foxhole.
i say when speaking to new males,
always assume they ain’t shit and keep yourself guarded.
create a list in your head of what he has to do to bring down that guard.
if you meet them online,
assume they just want your foxhole and will bounce shortly after.

Don’t expect anything

if you do,
when it comes to dating other males,
you will get hurt.
don’t stop putting yourself out there because one male was trash tho.

Every trash ass male is a lesson to learn about yourself

dig deep and you’ll find it.
i hope this helps!
keep ya head up and keep me posted on your progress!

love,
jf

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

26 thoughts on “foxmail: “We clicked, he smashed my brains out, and ghosted after. Help!”

  1. Allow me to be transparent for a sec…. I’m not proud to say it but I’ve been a ghostee and I’ve also been a ghoster. As someone who has ghosted guys before, I can say that it was usually because I just wasn’t interested in them. I’m not really the type to go on apps for quickies so sex was never part of the equation for me. I couldn’t find a graceful way to tell those guys I was interested in them romantically, so for better or worse, I disappeared. Now as far as me being ghosted….. How I feel depends on the connection I had with the ghostee. I refuse to get in my feelings over a nigga I just met. No amount of good combo, or dick, or ass is gonna make me lose my mind when I barely know you. I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with being open with people when you meet. But I also don’t think you should go into a new situation with too many expectations. Just take things as they come. If things go well, then great! If they don’t go so well, still great! Handle things accordingly.

    1. I concur, i have also been on the other side so this could very well be my karma. Also it’s easier said than done but I’ll get through it. Thanks

    2. I use to be so annoyed and by ghosters but in the last few years I’ve come around. We are not a culture that values honesty. Even if we were most people can not handle rejection. I don’t ghost but unless we were in a relationship i never explain myself. They always want to argue as if they can change my ind or show me that I am wrong for not wanting them. I can understand why nobody wants to go through with that.

  2. Honestly, I feel like this was a test after your celibacy ended. Maybe this lesson was teaching you that things may not happen like you want them to but still rise above. I know you May feel down and out right now because you gave yourself to him and was hoping he would be something more and he wasn’t. Keep your head up, the right man is out there.

  3. “he persuaded me to come over to his dorm after a few days of chatting”

    It seems like your hormones allowed you to let your guard down as well as your draws too soon.

    Out side looking in, it doesn’t even seem like you we’re even equals. Early 30’s vs someone in their early 20’s since he’s living in a dorm.

    A lot of young college dudes not trying to be tied down, they’re trying to get experience after experience. Lol. You two are in two totally different points in your lives.

    You’re going to have to really vet these dudes and look pass their aesthetics and what they’re saying, so you can focus more on their overall actions.

    It takes way more than a few days of chatting to really get to know someone and what they’re really about. You moved too fast with someone you didn’t even know.

  4. sadly, i feel like this is the case for most gays these days, especially in the era of dating apps, regardless of age. having gone through my round of shitty men, what works best for me is being extremely vocal / transparent about what i’m looking for (dates, sex, relationship, etc) from the beginning, and wanting that same energy from the person i’m dealing with, but even that might be asking for too much.. but with this way of communication, i can manage my expectations.

  5. What is with the whole on my level thing. If you look back at history almost no one was looking for someone on there level. I’m not saying you need to go for a homeless guy or a prince. I don’t understand why so many gay men put things like, the other person’s income over how they feel about that person. I wonder how many great guys have not been dated because they weren’t on someone’s level. I wonder how many guys have ignored numerous signs that it won’t work out because the other person was on there level. This isn’t just about finances either. People do it with looks as well. Study after study has shown that we are dating people more like us. We don’t date across income. We don’t even date across political partisanship lines any more. Has love just become this weird thing were we look for someone who validates our world view and our sense of self worth. Would a person be less valuable if they “settled” for someone who didn’t go to college? Is dating someone above your level a sign of success? Do we do this out of fear? I know a lot of older gay men only date guys on their level out of fear of being used.

    1. As i fully understand what is you were saying let me specify & clarify what i mean by “on my level” goal oriented, motivated, self sufficiency, integrity, dignity, etc. i wouldn’t really care if his finances were low as long as he is a go getter & not settling for peanuts. I have had my fair share of guys who were comfortable with the bare minimum & for me that’s a no go, we have to be evenly yoked. Once the inspiration is gone it’s time to move on

  6. As someone who has unfortunately ghosted (I am trying to do better though), when the same happens to me I take it as karma coming back so I personally never get offended. That being said LEADING on and THEN ghosting is a different story. Hook ups should never be taking seriously. At all. Even when you do meet someone who seems to be genuinely interested in you, you should always have your guards up. Not to the point of being off-putting of course, but just enough where you won’t be disappointed/sad/mortified for the potential clownery that may follow suit. Especially with our generation these days. A lot of these guys out here be whole mirages.

  7. I think people need some discipline but also need to be honest with yourself. I’m not remotely interested in a relationship and I always say so on a date. I also ask the other guy what he wants. Then I watch them quickly morph from “I want a man – I’m ready to be in a relationship – I want something serious” to “I’m just going with the flow” and “I just wanna spend time”. I then find myself having to constantly manage someone else’s emotions and expectations on their behalf.

    There are definite fuck boys but I know all these niggas ain’t smooth operator liars. At the end of the day, just becomes someone is kind or attentive to you, doesn’t mean they want happily ever after. You should clearly discuss expectations and if they say no, believe their words NOT the good time you had. I’m a firm believer that you shouldn’t have to fight a grown ass man to tell you what he wants from you. If he’s confused or has no clear answer, you have yours. Don’t get invested.

    1. Agree 💯👏🙌 Especially with the last part. I really don’t understand how people be confused about the “confusement” of others. You know what you want out of the relationship and they don’t want what you want. There’s really no mystery to be solved.

      1. I think a lot of gay men have this desire to chase those who don’t want them. Especially if the guy displays traits that are seen as valuable. heck look at all the gay men who chase masculine straight acting men. Being straight is seen as valuable. So if the guy is masculine and fucking pussy he’s a catch. Same for hot guys and young guys. I think there is this desire to acquire what we think we aren’t but we are aware that society values. Look at what black bastard said in his first paragraph. He tells them what he wants and what they want changes. All they are doing is not trying to scare him away while hoping they can change his mind. I’m not sure if this is a gay thing or a male thing but we have a tendency to try and earn a mate. If you are so caught up in “I can get him because I’m worthy of him. I’ve earned him.” You can easily disregard his confusion as a sign that you just have to show him that you’re good enough.

  8. He’s just not that into you, you don’t necessarily need to blame yourself or think you are lacking in any capacity. He was probably just looking for sex and no strings. Pick yourself up and take it as a lesson

  9. Agreed J. I’m from the big city so I’m used to dudes like this LOL. And when you’re from a global city with a big gay scene you will encounter the very attractive gays so they’re a dime a dozen and many of them are like this. I ALWAYS assume that a dude is just a “hit & quit” if we meet up on hookup terms because that way you leave with no strings attached after the sex and go on with your life. The good thing there is that sometimes you will encounter a small minority of those attractive guys who enjoyed the sex just as much and want to stay in contact (which is always a good surprise/feeling). BUT I still stick with the no expectations motto. Harsh truth is if you guys met on fuckng terms then the guy doesn’t owe you anything.

    I’m also in my early 20s too (but most of the guys I’ve been with are over 25) so I wouldn’t sweat this dude. He’s in college and doesn’t know exactly what he wants. I never take what a guy tells me seriously upon first meeting them. That is the sprung stage where you’re fresh meat/new to him. That could all be over once you first fuck (like in your case) when the mystery vanishes and you become conquered territory. Keep your guard up but don’t be jaded if that makes sense.

    I think because I was born & raised in a big city with a huge gay community I got to experience a lot of this stuff as a teen when it came to guys & their lies. So even though I still enjoy my hook ups I’ve learned to master them without getting attached. Men will tell you anything on the first day and then talk bad about you like you’re old news to the new guy that they start fucking. And it’s rinse and repeat for their next guy/conquest also.

    I remember writing an entry about a very similar topic 3 years ago when I was burned by a dude, and I’ll never forget what Jamari told me. “When you hook up with a new guy, always assume that it will be the last time that you see them”.

    Once I applied that, I was able to have great sex with a guy and just let it go just as that. If its meant to be then fate will bring him back to me but until then its above me. And if thats something you can’t get past then maybe celibacy is for you. Hookups aren’t for everybody. Hell I want a relationship but I have needs & life is too short. Different strokes for different folks.

    1. Endless, that was so on point man!!! thank you. Thank you all for the great advice it’s much appreciated and being applied.

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