F0xMail: Do You Think There Is A Rodent In My Home?

I get so many emails asking for advice that I try to answer them as fast as I can.
This one stood out to me the most.
This is a common trend in Wolf/Fox relations…


Whats up Jamari
OK so i have been with my boyfriend for 7yrs, now he moved from Omaha to mpls to stay with me. he told me i was his first
but before he moved in with me he was living with a roommate. i found out once we moved from mpls to NC that his roommate was his first and they
had sexy more than once, that’s before i was in the picture though. but when he was staying with me he was still talking to this dude
behind my back. we got into a big fight but we decided to work it out but every now and than he would flirt with guys on facebook. this
is from 06 to now 2011 he will say oh i was just bored I’m like ok whatever. but now i found out not only does he have an active a4a account, but he has been sending
his old roommate and other guys ass pics. i asked why he said he was bored I’m like wow i don’t know what to do anymore. i have let it go before but its not fair to me 3times once before we move and once while we were in Charlotte and now between those time he would flirt on facebook…
Here is my response…


That is all there is to say.
So many red flags that it is ridiculous.
The first sign would have been the lying portion of his program.
And, your boyfriend should NOT have an active A4A account.
And then sending ass pics because he is bored?


You can do so much better pa.
Take that L and get that negative energy out your space.

You’ll thank a Fox later.

Anyone else need advice: jamari.fox@gmail.com

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

40 thoughts on “F0xMail: Do You Think There Is A Rodent In My Home?”

  1. Hummmmmmmm seven years is a long time to have invested into a relationship just to kick the brother to the curve especially since from what I read in your posting that you are not emotionally ready to end the relationship. So let’s look at the issues that is concerning you about your partner’s behavior:

    .1. Every now and than he would flirt with guys on facebook.

    2. He told you that you were his first but his roommate was his first.

    3. They had sexy more than once, before i was in the picture.

    4. He is still talking to his old roommate while staying with you.

    5. He has an active a4a account, and he has been sending his old roommate and other
    guys ass pics.

    6. He claims that he was bored as the primary motive for his sending out pictures

    7 I have let it go before but its not fair to me 3times once before we move and once
    while we were in Charlotte and now between those time he would flirt on
    facebook * I am not too clear what you mean by this statement. Did he cheat on
    you 3 times before or did he just flirt with other dudes on this occasions?

    I think that you have several very valid concerns, and you did expressed insight into the fact that you have allowed him to engage in his behaviors for several years. So you did enable your partner in his behavior and so now he might saying “WTF” why are you complaining about this now? So I think that your best recourse is to confront your partner about your concerns. I think that often times with men emotional confrontations are very difficult especially when it comes to romantic relationships. I think the best ways to set the conditions for a calm and rational discussion with another man is to do the following:

    1. Don’t confront him with any intense issues when he first walks through the door from work, Give him about a hour after he comes home from work to decompress from any work related stress. Doing so helps to reduce the chances of him developing any long term anxiety about coming home from work and potentially having to face any drama.

    2. Don’t confront him just before he goes to bed, because he may be too tired to carry on
    any extended discussions or to do any emotional processing, and you don’t want to run
    the risk of the two of you going to bed angry with each other, and possibly starting off
    the next day on a sour note.

    3. Before you start your discussion set the group rules and each others expectations for the desired outcome of the discussion. For example, you can say “okay during this discussion you talk and I will listen”, “then I talk and you listen,” or “I want to get a better understanding of were we are in our relationship and where we might end up if you continue with your current behavior.”
    4. Take notes write down each others issues, concerns, expectations, and desire outcomes
    for your relationship. The act of taking notes can demonstrate concretely that this is a
    very serious matter, and it also gives you a recorded record of your discussions, and
    agreements that you can refer too to monitor your future progress or lack therefore of.

    5. Don’t make accusations that you cannot prove, because they will only serve to make him more defensive. So don’t say “I know you are sleeping with other guys when you don’t have proof,” because all he will have to say is “oh man there you go accusing me again of cheating on you when I told you that I am just bored”.

    6. Use the term I think vs. I feel when discussing your concrete accusations, for example, use “I think that you were being dishonest with me when you told me that I was your first, only to discover years later that was a lie.”

    7. Use I feel when discussing relevant emotional issues for example, “ I feel really betrayed and disrespected when I discovered that you were sending azz pictures to other people via your A4A account, or “I feel violated whenever I discover that you are flirting with other men on facebook.”

    8. Don’t play the victim!!! One thing that men generally hate is when their significant other constantly accuses them of being victimizers. I think that it is always important to come from a perspective of personal power and self assurance especially if you are auguring yourself worth to a significant other.

    9. Understand that the discussion may get heated at times but resist the temptation to turn the discussion into an emotional free for all. If you feel that the discussion is becoming too heated then dial it back some. If it becomes too emotionally heated then end the discussion by saying “okay we’re not getting anywhere so let’s agree to stop here and to lets take this back up tomorrow.

    10. Avoid the trap of making personal attacks on each other if this starts call it out and dial it back some.

    11. Never say anything during your discussion that you won’t back up if and when the time comes to do so.

    12. Consider going to couple counseling if you and your partner are open with your sexuality then consider getting counseling from a local gay and lesbian counseling center. It is important that you find a counselor who is culturally sensitive.

    13. Don’t become defensive during the discussion, take his criticism as his perspective and that it can be one that you can disagree with.

    14. Finally, fight fair with yourself because not matter how much feedback you receive from others at the end of the day you are going to feel what you feel for your partner. If you are still in love with him and you are not ready to end the relationship; then respect those feelings. Trust me when I say you will end the relationship not when you are sick and tired with your partner’s behaviors; you will end it when you get sick and tired of yourself in the situation. LOL. I wish you all the best in your relationship.

      1. What?!?!

        He throws out a LITANY of red flags and the solution is to “talk” about it? He is in a serious relationship with you and he’s ACTIVELY pursing the attention of other men by flirting and sending pictures of himself. Either the two of you aren’t in the same relationship or he knows that no matter what he does, you will still be there. You are no longer in the “i’m speculating” that he’s doing these things phase if you’ve confronted him about it and he’s admitted to it. “I’m bored”…. the fuck you mean you’re bored?! That is the lames excuse I’ve ever heard. This man CLEARLY has no respect for the boundaries of your relationship which, at this point, to him there probably aren’t any. The idea that “talking” to him about it is going to change him is ridiculous. He is well aware of what he is doing and I’d venture to guess that he knows its wrong.

        Let. Him. Go. Do not sit around and wait for him to turn into someone else FOR YOU!

      2. Vain:

        Gosh you are really emotional, and to answer your question I absolutely think that they should talk about their issues for several reasons:

        1 For the writer to come to an open internet forum to seek out advice on how to handle deal with his relational issues; indicate to me that this guy is still emotionally invested in his partner and is not ready to leave him.

        2. The writer said that he “has spoken to his significant other about his concerns and they have attempted to work them out in the past.”This indicates to me that the reader is more of a processor who like to approach problems objectively when attempting to resolve them. So I am supporting him in his choices.

        3. It is his relationship not yours or mine so what gives you the right to tell him to drop his partner especially in since they are in a seven year relationship?

        4. The writer never indicated in his post that his partner had cheated on him on the physical level. I know so many gay and str8 men who flirt with other women/men out on the street or on line, but it is no reason to end the relationship. TI think that there is a big difference between flirting and cheating.

        5. There are always two sides to each story and so far we have only heard the writer’s part of it. I think if we got the other side of the story we would have an entirely different perspective of their relational dynamics, and that they both may have blame to share in their current situation.

        6, It is always easy to sit on the sideline and past judgement on other individuals knowing very little about them. I choose the harder road which is to encourage him to work through is problems and not to do something later out of emotional impulse that he may regret later.

        7 I respect that the writer is still in love with his partner, and the tools that I am sharing with him can work to serve him well in his current relationship or help him in his next relationship.

        Vain I am not clear what your issues are with relationship, but I think that it is very irresponsible to tell someone to end their relationship based on your objective feelings and not knowing all of the fact. I am a huge advocate for communication especially when it comes to romantic relationships. I think that if couples work hard on perfecting their communication skills both on the individual level and on the couples level goes a long way in building a foundation of trust, and understanding.

  2. Maybe it’e because I’m older (like blkcasting), but I’m not jumping to dump him – especially not after 7 years…and this man did move to your city initially & then you moved to NC together. When emotions run high, things can be said or done that cannot be taken back, so first center yourself. And like blkcasting said, look at the situation in total. For instance, has he told you that he’s lonely? Doesn’t have any friends beside you & maybe your inner circle? Is it hard for him to meet people outside on his own? Because if I moved to a strange city I would keep in touch with some old friends…and even an ex (if we ended on good terms) because I needed that familiarity. But I’d also let you know why. Maybe he just needs to have something that’s his own. And how did you guys even meet? Was it on a4a or something similar? So why wouldn’t he use it again?

    Disclaimer: I’m not advocating or excusing cheating.

    Ultimately, I always fall back on the ‘do I trust you?’ question. And what is it I trust you to do? Now if he’s never actually had sex with anyone else, then I wouldn’t trip too hard, personally. Emotional cheating can be more devestating than the physical act, though. You have to figure out your limits & what you can & cannot take. I was betrayed by my first love, so believe me, I know what that breaking point feels like. Which is a long way of saying that if you’re not at that poitn, I agree w/blkcasting – see if you can work it out. Just know that if you both agree to try & there’s no subsequent actions (on both of your parts), then it’s time to cut bait…wish you the best

    1. Wolf great feedback and I agree with you that emotional cheating can be more devastating on a relationship than a physical one. Great Wolves think alike.

  3. Maybe it’s an age thing, because I have to lean more towards Jamari and Vain on this one.

    You lied about your roommate being your first and you’re sending out random nude pics to people because you’re bored?

    I can sort of believe he’s just on a site like BGC talking to people because you have forums, erotic stories, etc., but A4A is a straight hookup site. Sex parties, escorts all at your convenience. Sex is the end game there 97% of the time.

    That’s habitual line stepping. I find it hard to believe he hasn’t gone beyond just sending nude pics in his boredom.

    A passionate discussion would definitely have to take place. I have a feeling there’s way more to this story. Seven years and all of this is just not coming to light? What has the relationship been like outside of this? All those questions would factor into my final decision.

    A seven year relationship would be hard to walk away from, but at the end of the day if I’m holding up my end of the comment I expect the same in return. If I’m not sending nude pics or on sex sites I don’t expect your ass to be either. Period.

    @YBW: Exactly how old are you anyway?

    1. Jay good feed back but how can you prove that this guy has gone beyond the online flirting to having a physical relationship? I agree that sending nude pics while in a relationship is suspect and highly inappropriate, however here is no proof that he has cheated. Well at lease according to what the writer shared in his post.

      1. That’s the thing, dude’s credibility is shot at this point. That shit wouldn’t fly with me at all if we’re in a relationship and living together.

        Seems like dude wants to work it out, but his bf lied from jump about having sex with his roommate. He probably lied about that for a reason.

        So while we don’t know if he cheated, we don’t know where his boundaries lie either. All we do know is he really can’t be trusted.

        Speaking for myself, I won’t continue to be in a relationship with someone once they’ve violated my trust, Furthermore, anyone who knows me well wouldn’t want to continue a relationship with me once they’ve violated that rule because it will NEVER be the same.

  4. blkcastingman :
    Gosh you are really emotional, and to answer your question I absolutely think that they should talk about their issues for several reasons:
    Vain I am not clear what your issues are with relationship, but I think that it is very irresponsible to tell someone to end their relationship based on your objective feelings and not knowing all of the fact. I am a huge advocate for communication especially when it comes to romantic relationships. I think that if couples work hard on perfecting their communication skills both on the individual level and on the couples level goes a long way in building a foundation of trust, and understanding.

    First of all, my issue is not with “relationships” so you can keep that. The issue is with a person’s CONTINUED showing of poor behavior and sticking around for it hoping that they will change FOR YOU. These bullet points all sound like excuses to try and excuse someone’s poor behavior. A longer length of time within a commitment does not make up for someone going behind someone else’s back and stepping outside of boundaries of a relationship regardless of the reasoning (because it isn’t a life or death situation). If you have to school them on how not to behave like a dog in heat and treat you with respect, you’re setting yourself up for pain. Being emotionally invested in someone who feels as though “boredom” is a reason to send naked pictures of himself to… not just the previous roommate.. but men off of the internet as well… is troubling. We often get involved with and stick around for the wrong types of men and grow accustomed to their less-than-friendly behavior because we think eventually they will “see the light” and realize all of the wrongs that they’ve committed and suddenly be the man of your dreams. I do NOT recommend making the mistake of trying to change someone for the sake of making yourself happy.

    This: “when he was staying with me he was still talking to this dude
    behind my back. we got into a big fight but we decided to work it out but every now and than he would flirt with guys on facebook. this is from 06 to now 2011”

    … is who this guy is and the type of behavior he chooses to engage in despite how it makes YOU feel. If you cannot live with this, do not try and change him. He’s continuously showed you who he is and you must take it at face-value. It seems as though those who are saying “work it out” are coming at this situation as if the boyfriend is a first-time offender. If so, please go back and read the situation again. This has been going on continuously for years.

    The changes that we expect from men are all intrinsically tied to the expectation that they change so that they can love you and treat you how you’d like to be treated. What really needs to be discussed If he changes, you’re still the same person and if you want to be with a man who continuously engages in this type of behavior despite how you feel, it’s an indicator that you have issues that you need to resolve.

    1. Jay all good points but I think the writer said ” that his partner lied about who was his first.” I know so many people who lied to a significant other about who their first was. I am not saying that it is cool for someone to do so, and again we are only hearing one side of the story. I learned that there is always another side to each story. I also agree that their are trust issues in this relationship and I think that when there are trust issues in a relationship that both parties are involved in violating each others trust on a frequent basis. Again I am not saying that this is cool, but I think that trust violations can be a constant part of a relationship especially if there is a lack of effective communication skills on both sides.

  5. Er….. wow transfer much? Vain geez wow man you are really emotional. Well Vain I am not going around in circles with you again, especially since you seem to be firmly rooted in your point of view on this matter. So this will be my final response to you on this matter. I respect what you are saying however I can strongly disagree with your perspective and still respect you. Again I ask you, what gives you the right to tell someone to end their relationship when you don’t have all the facts? Have you taken into account that they may have financial ties in regards to bills, etc, or strong ties to each other families, because after all they have been together for over seven years? Additionally no where in the guys post did he say he was trying to change is partner’s behavior, so I think that you are projecting there.I think there is a strong difference between talking about feelings and expectations and trying to change someone. The writer wanted feedback on how to deal with his partner and we all give him our perspectives. Again this guy does not sound like he want’s to end the relationship, and everybody respond differently to problems that come along with all relationships..

    Again, I think it is irresponsible to advise someone to make such a drastic change in his life without knowing all the facts or without knowing where the guy is emotionally. It sounds to me that there may be some maturity issues with his partner and he may need to grow up. Finally my only problem with the feedback that we give the writer is that no one really asked him what he wanted to do, or if he is still in love his partner? So I will like to hear from the writer about his perspective on our feedback and what he really want to do.

    1. His partner has a tendency to go on Facebook or a4a and flirt with and send pictures to other men. Getting upset about it means he has an issue with it, gotten into a big fight about it, and said he would “work it out.” Therefore, in can be concluded that based on everything written in the entry, he probably would like it if that behavior would stop. Lets break it down one more time for the people in the back of the room. The boyfriend flirts with other men. The person in this entry would like for that to stop otherwise it wouldn’t have been included throughout and be part of the source of conflict and unhappiness experienced within the relationship. Wanting that behavior (flirting with other men) to END is technically asking him to subsequently CHANGE. Projecting? I don’t know where you’re getting that from?

      What gives me the right to tell someone to end their relationship without “knowing all the facts”? One, they asked for advice. That is my advice based on the details given. Two, no where in the guy’s post did he say he wanted to STAY either so I’m not sure where you’re getting that one from?

      The bottom line is his partner has continuously gone behind his back doing thing he knows is not okay. That shows a lack of respecting boundaries and no regard for the feelings of his partner. If he’s treated him badly again, why does he need to explain to him what he has done? He knows otherwise he would not have done it in secret for so long.

      Men do not respond well to words, what they respond to is NO CONTACT. Talking about it and asking him about it and hoping that the behavior will change.. all the while sticking around to see it happen… has actually given him the opposite result. In staying with him, he’s showing that despite what the boyfriend does and how mad he gets, he will STILL be there and there would be no impetus to change on his boyfriend’s part for the long term. He’s tested your resolve and gotten away with it. He’s already told his boyfriend that he doesn’t like that he does those things so there isn’t much to talk about at this point. He can either stay with him and continue to experience what’s been happening for the past 5 years (2006-2011) OR he can leave and take himself out of the situation that is causing him distress.

      Loving a man who does not share the same boundaries as you do and continually crosses these lines despite how you feel is unhealthy relationship behavior. Love is not a reason to continue to throw yourself into relationship insanity. It may not even be love at all…

  6. Hey hummmmmmmm Jar;

    I am wondering if you can contact the writer of the post and ask him to read the feedback if he already hasn’t, and ask him to address the forum directly, because I would like to know more about what outcomes he is looking for.

  7. Blkcasting you at it again ROTFL. When you get down to it the boyfriend is cheating. Physically? I dont know but mentally and emotionally? YES. This relationship does have trust issues. Jamari your friend should evaluate his relationship HARD cause it seems like nothing is going to change. They talked about it already and if the boyfriend didnt explain why he really did what he did then thats on him. If he wasnt getting enough attention he shouldeve brought that to his partners attention not hide behind some excuse about being bored and then keep doing it. If youre bored go read a book! Its been going on too long. Okay they tried to work it out the first time “i forgive you kiss kiss” but not doing nothing about it after 3 times? Shouldeve let that man go, shame on you! He sounds like a leech. Moving from place to place trying to find someone to latch on to and he found you. He lied about you being his first so he could get your blood flowing. You better throw some salt on him and get him off you cause he gone drain every ounce out of you IF you let him.

  8. wow did not know this would have so many replies

    We did talk and decided that we were going to work it out and keep going with our
    relationship. We have been through a lot and although things have not been perfect we have stuck by each others side through them all.

    Some may think this is a bad decision, but since no one truly knows the complexity of our relationship and the things that we have gone through it would be have been hard to just end things.

    After talking there were many things that had come to light that were not discussed before, that were taken into consideration with my decision to work it out.

    And I appreciate you all for your input.

    1. T-Rod;

      I am truly glad that you guys decided to work things out, and from reading your letter to Jar; I kind of discerned that you really love this guy, and that you guys have a very long and complicated relationship. Your letter reminded me of a couple of relationships that I had in the past, and although I saw several hundred repeating red flags throughout those relationships at the end of the day I still loved them deeply. I did as you did, I sought out advice from several close friends and from other venues, and like you I got a variety of responses. The ones who we telling me to “bounce” made some very valid points, and the ones who were telling me to “stay” also made some very valid points. However, at the end of the day I had to make my own decision about what to do about those relationships. In the end I decided that the best thing to do was to end those relationships, but I also decided that the best emotional thing for me to do was to end them when I was emotionally able to do so. At that point it was about my emotional well being and not theirs.

      One last thing I want to leave you with T-Rod in relationship to love and although I am a Christan I want you to know that I am not pushing my beliefs on you especially since I don’t know if you are a spiritual person, however when it comes to live these verses defines how I feel about love. They come from 1 Corinthians ch 13 v 4-8 and verse

      .”1If I speak in the tongues a of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,b but have not love, I gain nothing. 4. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ”

      13. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

      “T-Rod unconditional love is a rare gift and I say that you continue to love your man as long as you can or desire to. I still strongly urge you guys to seek outside couples and individual counseling that is sensitive to your unique needs. If you cannot afford counseling check with your local community mental health agency because many of them are set up charge their fees based on income; so you can play as little as $5.00 per session up to $100.00 per session. God bless you and your partner.”

  9. LOL R…. I do my best and “for those of you in the back of the room” who did not hear me when I said it the first time… Hey er…………. hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Vain …………….. FACE!!!!!! lol. Yuk yuk yuk (laughing like Curly from the 3 Stooges) lol.

  10. Hey yng you seem to be wise in the ways of the Wolf and so you know that there is nothing like the power of the Wolf!!!!!!! lol I want all the Wolves on this thread to join men in a howllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!!!! Ruff ruff awhooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!! lol. Er…….. yeah that felt good lol.

  11. blkcastingman :
    LOL R…. I do my best and “for those of you in the back of the room” who did not hear me when I said it the first time… Hey er…………. hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Vain …………….. FACE!!!!!! lol. Yuk yuk yuk (laughing like Curly from the 3 Stooges) lol.

    Wait a minute!!!! No one said there was a winner or a loser. Don’t start feelin’ your pussy Blkcasting. We were not debating whether or not he was going to leave but the basics of what constitutes cheating and asking a man to change so please stay on the subject. He chose to stay with a man who repeated showed him who he is. From this point on if and when the boyfriend decides to go back to his previous behavior… T-Rod cannot get upset about it or act like he didn’t see it coming.

  12. Er……….. hummmmmmmmmmmm Vain I did say FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Didn’t I? Oh yeah I did twice, well now three times FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol.

If you wouldn't say it on live TV with all your family and friends watching, without getting canceled or locked up, don't say it on here. Stay on topic, no SPAM, and keep it respectful. Thanks!

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