“you have had a hard life.”

my uncle said that to me during a recent catch-up.
for once,
i felt seen by a grown adult in my family.
some of my other family members ignores their trauma with religion.
i think it’s easier for him because he watched from the outside.
my mother and him were the rebellious ones; they bounced.
they didn’t stay to deal with what we dealt with.
something clicked after he said it because my whole life,
i’ve been yearning for an easier and softer life.
i think i’ve been lucky,
but luck always came wrapped in bullshit.
on top of that:

i had my own hurt slowing me down.

right now,
i’m being forced to process something from when i was 7 or 8.
a moment that unlocked everything…

first of all,
i love “industry” on HBO MAX.
i randomly started watching it when it was heading into the 3rd season.
binged it in like 2 days or so.
its got the sex,
drugs,
and “something to nothing” shit i love.
highly recommend even though when they start talking finance and stock shit,
i am always left feeling confused.

last night,
they came back for their 4th season.

Foxhole:

IT WAS GOOD.

i needed that energy especially after what i’m dealing with.
there is a scene that i’m still thinking about.
this is kinda spoiler but not really.
it doesn’t give away a plot point but…

whenever you are at a transition in your life,
you end up at a bridge.
on the other side of the bridge is uncertainty.
we don’t know what will happen,
but we do know where we are isn’t working.
i believe when life gets uncomfortable,
you are pushed towards the bridge against your will.
so we end up with a few choices:

a – we slowly walk across the bridge to get to the other side
b – we turn back around and go back to what we are use to
c – we stay stagnant at the start of the bridge without crossing

but what happens when you are uncomfortably pushed towards a bridge…

i woke up with this on my spirit today.
something urged me to font because someone needed to read it.
maybe it was for me; maybe it’s for you.
this was the download:

“you don’t know”

because tbh…

grief.
i’ve noticed a lot of males don’t sit in their grief.
we were taught to be men!
we don’t feel sad or emotions!
we bottle them up until we explode or make us sick!

we do everything possible to distract ourselves from “feeling”.
one way i see gay males dealing with our grief:

FUCKIN’.

straight males like to act like they are above us,
but its the same shit with them in a different costume.
outside of fuckin’,
it could be other ways like:

buying shit to show we are happy
becoming a gym junkie
being mixxy out in the forests
the “drinkin’ and the druggin'”

…and other numbers of ways,
but i had to wonder…

musical chairs is a simple game.
you line up a few chairs,
always one less than the number of players.
music plays,
everyone moves,
pretending there’s still room,
but the point of the game isn’t to win.
it’s to make sure someone loses.
when the music stops,
someone is always left standing.

from the time all of you joined me in The Foxhole,
it was probably from some sticky situation i found myself in.

a work wolf,
a job loss,
a murder of my best friend,
a letting go of people who couldn’t come with me.

…that or you googled something and landed here.
either way,
i am very transparent about my sticky situations.

the latest sticky situation is losing my home.

this didn’t start this year; it actually started last year…