grief.
i’ve noticed a lot of males don’t sit in their grief.
we were taught to be men!
we don’t feel sad or emotions!
we bottle them up until we explode or make us sick!

we do everything possible to distract ourselves from “feeling”.
one way i see gay males dealing with our grief:

FUCKIN’.

straight males like to act like they are above us,
but its the same shit with them in a different costume.
outside of fuckin’,
it could be other ways like:

buying shit to show we are happy
becoming a gym junkie
being mixxy out in the forests
the “drinkin’ and the druggin'”

…and other numbers of ways,
but i had to wonder…

musical chairs is a simple game.
you line up a few chairs,
always one less than the number of players.
music plays,
everyone moves,
pretending there’s still room,
but the point of the game isn’t to win.
it’s to make sure someone loses.
when the music stops,
someone is always left standing.

from the time all of you joined me in The Foxhole,
it was probably from some sticky situation i found myself in.

a work wolf,
a job loss,
a murder of my best friend,
a letting go of people who couldn’t come with me.

…that or you googled something and landed here.
either way,
i am very transparent about my sticky situations.

the latest sticky situation is losing my home.

this didn’t start this year; it actually started last year…

you ever peeped those people who were doing nothing and looked like they were going nowhere?
they were stagnant and literally spent their days on the couch or playing video games.
suddenly,
a shift happened,
and that “stagnant” life is in the rear view mirror.

i think some people end up thriving after being stagnant tbh.
i was always taught that if i wasn’t doing something,
if i wasn’t moving like everyone else,
that i was a failure at life.
i see it with a lot of people tbh.

if they aren’t on,
they feel off.

…but i’ve learned a lesson time and time again,
especially right now in my life…

for a while,
i thought i was asexual.
not that there is nothing wrong with being asexual,
but in the gay/bi/and tri forests,
fucking randomly and recklessly is almost everyone’s calling card.
the thing is…

i didn’t think i was all the way asexual.

meaning: i love sex and i’m highly attracted to other males,
but i don’t really like hook ups even though i have done them.
i only had one hook up that was amazing but he made is extremely comfortable.

i’m not fuckin in the middle of a sex party
not even getting smashed by some random at the gym
there will be no sex in the champagne room

i’ve had my ho-ish moments in the past,
and tbh a lot of it was trying to be like star fox (RIP),
so i’m not some virgin but i do get turned on by:

the chase
the anticipation
the mental and emotional stimulation
the tension
the teasing
the eye contact
the “we shouldn’t be doing this but i want to do this”

my fantasies run very hot.
i like connections; not proximity.
this is why sex apps never worked for me like others.
so i’ve come to accept…

someone i use to know told me something that lives rent free in my head:

“when you blindly support someone,
or take money to only say/font good things,
when they do something that you don’t agree with,
you will HAVE to continue saying and supporting them.”

this is why i try to stay neutral and objective on The Foxhole,
even with celebs or attentionistos i like/lust.
ever since the file cabinet has started being released,
i see many blind supporting jackals starting to switch sides.
some of these folks however,
like megyn kelly,
have shown us how far she has sold her soul…

someone shared a story with me recently and i wanted to share it with you.
its for all of those who are going through something,
or maybe you aren’t and like positivity shit.

when we look back in our lives,
we don’t realize things that go wrong help us in the future.

i have experienced shit going wrong and in the present moment,
i won’t even act like i don’t have a meltdown.
i’m asking if i’m cursed or if God hates me.
when i see how it helped or revealed something in the future,
in a few occasions helping me avoid danger,
i learned that maybe it all happened for a reason.
so this story is called,
“maybe” by alan watts,
and “maybe” someone in The Foxhole needed to read this story today…