when we move from chaos to much safer ground,
for many of us,
it can leave us still in “fight or flight” mode.
we start scanning for danger when nothing is happening.
it can actually make you feel really fuckin’ nuts.
that is how i’ve been lately…

“i’m not an idiot, henry.
you told me that you sucked that guy’s dick at Winchester!” – yasmin

“darling,
that was school, okay?
it’s basically prison.
everyone gets a pass for that.
you can be a homo at school.” – jon snow

so i loveeeeeeeeeeeee “industry” on HBO max.
i didn’t get into “succession” but i got into this heavy.
i love how every season of that show continues to become massive.
the show started off about the finance industry,
and i didn’t know wtf they were talmbout those first 2 seasons,
but it has become much more than that as this story progresses.
many are upset the anti-hero is a black vixen so that makes me support more.
last sunday’s episode was titled,
“oh henry“,
and one of the characters got exposed in a way that got me thinking.

they were on top of the world,
making money with their new company,
but had to resign after being blackmailed with a secret sex video.

not only a secret sex video,
but a secret sex video with someone underage.
the blackmailers sent the video to their email to get them in line.
so this is what has been sitting on my mind heavy.
hypothetically fonting on this fine tuesday…

nowadays,
corny for me is:

the over saturation of the self absorbed.

it’s the posing,
lightweight advertising,
but having absolutely no other redeemable traits outside of that.
worst of all:

using sex to sell an OF,
promoting private videos for sale,
and scamming…

…and got the audacity to be rude in DMS.

like,
what?
many of the vixens have a corniness to them too.

posing half naked,
showing and throwing ass,
getting pregnant,
and confused why they’re fucked and dumped for someone doing less than that.

anyone using body parts and sex can attract anyone.
none of these people are keeping em past a few months,
lucky if they go a year.
i learned very quickly after the following i find baller wolf,
russell wilson,
to be extremely sexy when many people have labeled him as “corny”…

…emotionally tho,
it’s been a big yikes.
as much fun as sexy wolves are:

my mentals have been all over the place.

if “faking it til you make it” was a competition,
i’d win a platinum medal.
that has been faking a smile when i’d rather say fuck everyone.
i’ve literally been the entire “after laughter” album from paramore.

when you are staying at someone else’s crib tho,
you gotta fake it as much as possibly you can.
you don’t want to give them the impression you are ungrateful.
i have been enjoying making sure dishes are washed,
trash is taken out,
products i use gets replaced,
and everything is order before they get home.
that is one of the many things i learned from Mum and even Star Fox…

i hate when people who don’t want kids are continuously asked why they don’t want kids,
like certain childless celebs or people who get continuously asked by their parents or relatives.

BECAUSE THEY MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE THEM OR DON’T WANT THEM.

not everyone’s desire is to be a parent.
better yet,
some people can’t have kids because their bawdies won’t allow them to.
that can be very insulting and nasty especially from parents.

“when you gonna get me some grand babies?”,
like,
you weren’t even a good parent to me so why would i leave my child with you,
ya insufferable bitch.

Foxhole,
don’t go sayin’ that to your mother cause she may slap you.
i was thinking to myself yesterday:

“at no point in my life have i ever wanted to be a dad.”

i have never felt the urgency for fatherhood.
i see cute kids all the time,
and many of my friends have adorable kids but…

from the time i was young,
i was always moving from one place to another.
something would happen just when i thought we found a home.
we would stay with someone until we found our “temporary” home again.
i font temporary because we’d be there for a few years.

until…

when we finally found a forever home,
when i finally felt safe,
my mother died three years into it.
those three years were peaceful and that home was wonderful.
that’s why that “jlo” album takes me back there.
it came out around a time when we felt like we touched solid ground.

until…

so i worked my ass off until i could get my forever home.
a home i stayed in for over fifteen years because it felt like safety.
i’ve lost that and like the familiar from when i was young
i’m a guest in someone’s space.
adjusting to unsaid rules; learning new rhythms and moods.
honestly…