*vent entry

you ever met someone that you really enjoyed?
their personality was so infectious that it instantly drew you in.
it’s like they glowed when they walked into the room for the first time.
you just KNEW they were gonna be in your life,
and for a short time,
they actually were.
outta nowhere tho…

Continue reading “the glowsticks light is limited time only (so enjoy it while it lasts?)” →

my sister “mi” and i are the same.
we seek validation from others because we crave and yearn to be loved.
underneath all of mi’s mental illness,
she is someone who values having people in her life.
she has had to see important people leave her life at such a young life.
she witnessed a lot of death and clings to people she feels “loves” her.
so we are very similar,
but the difference between her and i is that…

Continue reading “…but i trusted you and you do this to mi?” →

*someone in the life will relate to this.
true story from my experience.

many moons ago,
when i was in entertainment really heavy,
i invited this dude over to my crib because he wanted to talk about his career in entertainment.
he said he was available after 11pm on a saturday night.
11pm.
saturday night.
“talk”.
every time he saw me,
he flirted with me.
of course,
i assumed he was cumming to fuck the shit outta me.
i wanted him too because he was my type.
when he got over to my crib,
he was heavy on the flirting like it was verbal foreplay.
there was one point he was dancing and put his crotch in my face.
i’m usually not bold with wolves,
but i went decided to try something new.
when he sat on my couch,
he opened up his body language to me.
legs were open; hands were leaned back on the couch.
he had nice lips and i kissed him.
he kissed back and then said:

“...so i’m not gay.“

he wasn’t angry,
but he responded like this has happened many times before.
i felt so naked and vulnerable afterward.
it was a feeling i couldn’t explain.
un-wanted,
maybe?
ugly?
feeling like someone had my secret in their back pocket?
i felt open and not in a good way.
we never spoke again.

i was on youtube today and came across a scene from one of my favorite movies.
“american beauty“.
i watched it when i was really young and it made me feel uncomfortable.
when i watched this scene as an adult,
i totally understood it…

Continue reading “do we confuse male attention with our vulnerability and a need to be loved? (american beauty)” →

everyone needs a break from time to time.
this is why the word “vacation” makes people feel all tingly inside.
in this panorama world,
for some,
traveling for vacation is out of the question.
no cap,
i’ve been thinking of doing a staycation in the city but money has been a little tight.
i’ve been feeling beat.
the news and social media has been a little too much tbh.

I needed a break or I was gonna have a breakdown

so i did it…

Continue reading “i am the (un) plug” →

i was telling my therapist how i’ve been in my emotional bag today.
i’ve been off af.
things are weird.
the energy is weird.
as he put it,
i am probably in an “emotional plague” and to go with it.
after therapy,
i felt a little better and decided to check my ig dms.
foxhole…

Continue reading “when a youtube legend reaches out to you!!!!” →

i felt tired around 10 am and was mad hyped about it.
the melatonin i took helped as well.
i wanted to have a good night’s sleep where i actually slept through the night.
here i am,
on the foxhole,
because i woke up out of my sleep at 3 am….
Continue reading “430 am with thoughts on my mind” →