when i started this website,
there were things in my personal life that i wanted to keep to myself.
i knew one day,
i’d put all the cards on the table.
my therapist suggested that i write the following.
so the other night,
i had a dream i was getting married to a wolf that was obsessed with me.
my dream manz was introducing me to his parents and i said to myself within the dream:
“I don’t have anyone to introduce him to.”
it made me sad,
but it made me feel compelled to write this entry…
my mother died of my leukemia,
but my father is “dead” to me.
i don’t know him and we don’t have a relationship.
i didn’t even know he was a libra until recently.
my mother was an aquarius.
my grandmother banished him from my life because he was poor.
he came from a poor part of barbados even though he was a big time baller wolf in cricket.
my grandmother only allowed:
Pay for my schooling
i remember he came late to watch me run track.
my mother was a party vixen.
as i was told,
she also neglected me when i was born.
i believe she wasn’t ready to have me and i don’t think abortions were a thing back then.
according to my father that was a baby,
while i was sleeping,
she left me in her car while she was at a party.
Was I destined to always feel neglected?
my mother was always chasing men.
i don’t think i ever not saw my mother without a wolf in her life.
they ended up being her downfall too.
my father is alive and somewhere in barbados.
we tried to reconnect,
but he holds a lot of bitterness towards my mother and her side of the family.
i was raised by my grandmother and by my mother on this part-time shit.
she had me on weekends,
but my grandmother had me during the week.
my mother was always traveling,
running around with males,
and thought loving me was buying toys.
we didn’t live together full-time until we moved to america.
i loved my mother but she made a lot of mistakes with me as a kid.
this is why i say she was like my father,
my grandmother was my mother,
and my father was just there.
there is a lot to my past and it explains why I’m the way i am tbh.
the revelations of jamari fox.
to be continued…
lowkey: thank you to those who read and allowed me to be honest about my past.
i’m getting more comfortable within myself.
i can’t connect with the foxhole if i can’t share “me”.
this was scary to write,
but i feel a sense of freedom.