i can’t even call him daddy (i don’t know him)

when i started this website,
there were things in my personal life that i wanted to keep to myself.
i knew one day,
i’d put all the cards on the table.
my therapist suggested that i write the following.
so the other night,
i had a dream i was getting married to a wolf that was obsessed with me.
my dream manz was introducing me to his parents and i said to myself within the dream:

“I don’t have anyone to introduce him to.”

it made me sad,
but it made me feel compelled to write this entry…

my mother died of my leukemia,
but my father is “dead” to me.
i don’t know him and we don’t have a relationship.
no cap,
i didn’t even know he was a libra until recently.
my mother was an aquarius.

my grandmother banished him from my life because he was poor.
seriously.
he came from a poor part of barbados even though he was a big time baller wolf in cricket.
my grandmother only allowed:

Haircuts
Seldom visitation
Pay for my schooling
School uniforms

i remember he came late to watch me run track.
my mother was a party vixen.
as i was told,
she also neglected me when i was born.
i believe she wasn’t ready to have me and i don’t think abortions were a thing back then.
according to my father that was a baby,
while i was sleeping,
she left me in her car while she was at a party.

Was I destined to always feel neglected?

my mother was always chasing men.
i don’t think i ever not saw my mother without a wolf in her life.
they ended up being her downfall too.

my father is alive and somewhere in barbados.
we tried to reconnect,
but he holds a lot of bitterness towards my mother and her side of the family.
i was raised by my grandmother and by my mother on this part-time shit.
she had me on weekends,
but my grandmother had me during the week.


my mother was always traveling,
running around with males,
and thought loving me was buying toys.
we didn’t live together full-time until we moved to america.
i loved my mother but she made a lot of mistakes with me as a kid.
this is why i say she was like my father,
my grandmother was my mother,
and my father was just there.
there is a lot to my past and it explains why I’m the way i am tbh.

the revelations of jamari fox.
to be continued…

lowkey: thank you to those who read and allowed me to be honest about my past.
i’m getting more comfortable within myself.
i can’t connect with the foxhole if i can’t share “me”.
this was scary to write,
but i feel a sense of freedom.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

15 thoughts on “i can’t even call him daddy (i don’t know him)

  1. Wow thank you for sharing!
    I saw a lot of my own life in there when it comes to family being at odds.
    I have a wonderful relationship with my moms now but I was raised by my grandmother until I was 12 so moms was here fighting for a better life as I lived overseas. There was a lot of toys and clothes but when I moved here she had a hard time adjusting to being a mom.

    My father and her had an issue when I was 1 years old where she exposed my existence to his married life and he was done with us after that. He died when I was 21 and we never had a relationship but recently I found an article about him. Did some research and found out he was in visual arts just as I am pursuing and when I told my mom she was like wow he would have been so proud of you. I cried and fought off the notion as he hadn’t been in my life but she told me that in time people change, and she wish things had been handled differently on her end too.

    I say this to say I’m sorry about you losing your mom and no your pops wasn’t perfect but he tried. Sometimes family makes you angry and leave you so bitter than you can’t shake it. But you know better than him and you could be the father to him that he wasn’t to you. So reach out to him again and try to build something strong man; you both need each other!

    Thank you for sharing brother! 😘

    1. ^omg thank you for sharing this with me and the foxhole!

      i tried to reach out to him a few years ago,
      but all he could talk about was what my family did to him.
      he sounded really sad and i could tell he was frustrated with how we ended up.
      i can’t even call this man “daddy” or “pops”.
      it’s strictly first name when i even think about him.

      he did tell me things about my family that really blew my mind.
      it made me look at my grandmother much differently as she caused all of this nonsense.
      she controlled with her children,
      but my mother and uncle were the rebellious
      ones.

      on lighter news,
      i told him that i was gay because at this point,
      we won’t have anymore secrets between us.

  2. “I don’t have anyone to introduce him to.”

    This hit me hard. I was discussing this with my friend. One of the reasons I run when guys start discussing marriage is friendship is rare in this “community”. If a guy can’t get you in bed, you have no use for him, unless you can put him on. If I was engaged, I can’t invite family. Guys would be mad I was getting married, it would just be my sibling.

    I can’t even read the rest because I’m in my feelings. We are broken. And as my parents get older, I get sadder knowing they’ll never be happy for me, so I subconsciously sabotage..

    1. Boy you out there sabotaging your happiness just so people can be comfortable and not pass judgement?

      What the hell is wrong with you? Stop that bs!

      Your life is only about you and unless those people signed up to be wrapped in your coffin with you, their stamp of approval don’t mean shit!

      You have to also understand that most people will never even discover a new experience unless you expose it to them. Be a pioneer for your own life and put your foot down. Let them know, I am here, I’m different but I’m your family so you will respect it. You don’t gotta love it but there are lots of shit y’all do I don’t love but I’m here.

      I had to do that with my family; a lot of my brothers were homophobic but I was like well I’m gay and your ass ain’t paying my rent and I ain’t living on nobody’s couch so I don’t own y’all nothing but the same love and respect you reciprocate. We all on good terms and it’s all love. Now they help me choose boyfriends and are very protective!

      I’m saying this to say, don’t deny yourself happiness man and if anyone agrees you shouldn’t be happy fuck them!

  3. Thank you for sharing this, Jamari. I hope that perhaps one day you and your biological father can forge a relationship. My dad passed in 2004 and there were so many things I didn’t say to him as our relationship wasn’t the best either…

  4. My dad is from Barbados and I know how cliquey and snobbish they can be. I have abandonment issues as well and we aren’t in contact. As a matter of fact, I’m not in contact with any of my Bajan family. Fuck them.

    Just know that you are loved and appreciated. You bring a joy and realism to your platform and for that, we are thankful. You are a light in the world.

    1. ^YUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.

      growing up in the caribean is no joke.
      there can be a lot of abuse and shame there.

      thank you for the compliments.
      much appreciated.

  5. I feel the same way
    Im mixed,from and french mom and black men from congo but i never knew my dad for a very long time,he use my mom to have papers in france,so they marry and when he got his papers he leave my mom she was pregnant for me,for 6months,its break her heart and when i was born i look so much like him she push me away and leave me to my grand mother.so i live with my grandparents,they was my dad and mom.and the hard thing i knew after when i was 18,that my dad live in the same town with me,with hes knew wife and kids,ive hate him for a very long time,abd one day for my 25th birth he come by surprise and asking me to forgive him.today im 30yrs and i understand that my problem to love someone come from my parents,

  6. Thank you for sharing this. To me, it’s always interesting to stop and listen and get to learn a person’s story. Not judging or labeling, just way to see how the events of life shaped who they are. There is so much of you in this post. I could be completely wrong, but to me this posts like this open my eyes to see the “why”; especially in why you value certain traits and moments in the experiences you have shared.

    In your own time, I hope that you continue to share more of what you deem appropriate of the Jamari Fox story. And that you are able to accept, heal and embrace if needed. Hopefully your relationship with your dad can grow. Thanks for sharing yourself with us.

    All the best to you Jamari.

    1. ^thank you aj.

      revealing all of that felt freeing,
      but will allow me to be no holds barred about my past too.
      it helps me get more comfortable in my own skin and platform.

  7. Bravo!!!! Thanks for sharing… I need to unload my baggage, espcially from my childhood that I need to unload on someone.

  8. Damn Jamari how many bombs are you gonna drop? First Mi is your sister, now this! Next you’re gonna tell us you’re actually a white man from Canada.

    I have ain’t shit parents too. I’ve been estranged from my father and his side of the family for a decade and some years. Every now and then I’ll run into one of em and have to give a fake “Hi, how are you?” They don’t know I can’t stand em but they’re a clueless bunch and I don’t wanna rile any feathers so i’m cordial. My dad was a crackhead who never kicked his habit. Living with him was HELL. I was so miserable having to deal with school bullies then go home to his bullshit. Once I became an adult i chose to distance myself from him.

    My relationship with my mom is better but I still hold some resentment towards her because she allowed it to happen.

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