on the morning of my birthday,
i didn’t want to be bothered.
it was an entirely “reflective” morning so i didn’t look at my phone.
my father blew up my phone back to back.
when we finally spoke,
you didn’t answer so I figured you were done with me.”
it really had me tilted,
but i realized that i do that same shit to others too.
my therapist called me TF out today and told me i’m sorta like my father.
i’m currently bald with an empty tummy because i threw up.
after today’s session…
i pray that i’ve never provided anyone with any trauma out here.
we don’t realize the things we do can really fuck someone up.
they can carry that trauma with them for years,
crippling them from being the best versions of themselves.
on my birthday,
my daddy called me and we had a transparent conversation.
i wanted to hear his side of the story and i’ll be honest with you…
my reality is different from some of my family members it seems.
i’m starting to realize that.
even though i love my grandmother,
it is no secret that she was abusive to us.
i think many caribbean people faced a shit ton of abuse.
the last conversation i had with my father made me realize something…
i wanted to give my father all the smoke yesterday.
i wasn’t done with him.
he got an earful when we violated,
but i chose chaos when i woke up the next day.
no one gets to hurt my feelings and thinks thats okay.
i wanted to bring all the smoke to his yard.
i got fully caffeinated with an ice coffee with a shot of espresso.
it would be the battery for his destruction.
my spirit told me to call connie from the messages first tho…
we all weren’t blessed in life to pick our parents.
i would have picked a father who isn’t a liar and coward.
caribbean fathers have a tendency to be the worst.
my father and i have had a very distant relationship over the years,
even when i was a kid in barbados.
it was all due to the issues between my grandmother and him.
he was only used to buy me school uniforms and haircuts.
i’ll never forget going out with him as a kid and one of his friends saying how “soft” i looked.
deep down inside,
my father knew that i would be gay but didn’t want to admit it at the time.
when we had an honest conversation a few years ago,
i revealed my sexuality to him and he claimed he already knew.
he let me know that i was his son and that he would accept me.
things took a different turn during a phone call we had…
when i started this website,
there were things in my personal life that i wanted to keep to myself.
i knew one day,
i’d put all the cards on the table.
my therapist suggested that i write the following.
so the other night,
i had a dream i was getting married to a wolf that was obsessed with me.
my dream manz was introducing me to his parents and i said to myself within the dream:
“I don’t have anyone to introduce him to.”
it made me sad,
but it made me feel compelled to write this entry…