i wonder if i woulda been straight like my daddy?

i pray that i’ve never provided anyone with any trauma out here.
we don’t realize the things we do can really fuck someone up.
they can carry that trauma with them for years,
crippling them from being the best versions of themselves.
on my birthday,

my daddy called me and we had a transparent conversation.
i wanted to hear his side of the story and i’ll be honest with you…

My grandmother and mother really destroyed my father’s self-esteem

even though my grandmother and mother has since passed on,
he was scared to be real about the ill-treatment from her and my mother.

“It was terrible.”

that is all he kept saying when i tried to get him to open up.
it got to the point where i could feel his anxiety rising and stopping himself from crying.
i hated that for him and let him know it wasn’t right they kept me from him.
there was a shit ton of miscommunication with his ideas for me too.

i feel really sorry for my father and i’m hoping to help him find his own closure.

he said he had plans for me growing up,
which involved being a sports star and singing in the choir like him.
singing in a choir?
i had to wonder tho:

What would life been like if my father had more control over my upbringing?

i know he was cheap af and was very cold emotionally.
i asked him for a toy and he told me money didn’t grow on trees.
a phrase my grandmother loved to use on me yet she made him buy my school uniforms.
my father is the opposite of who i am,
but would i have been straight?

would i have made a website called insidejamarifox.com in barbados?

would i have been like a mini version of him?
i guess those answers lie in another dimension.

lowkey: i’m attracted to emotionally unavailable males because of what i was exposed to.

7 thoughts on “i wonder if i woulda been straight like my daddy?

  1. Nah man, you are who you are. Being proud of who we are is 1 thing, but ain’t none of us ‘choosing’ the hurdles that come with existing as gay men.

  2. If you think you’re attracted to cold men who are emotionally unavailable due to that, why not avoid those types? What kind of happiness can they bring you in the end?
    You shouldn’t have to work to know if someone is into you. It should be offered freely.
    You are worth a display of affection.

  3. I don’t know why I thought both of your parents passed.

    At any rate, hopefully you can build a good relationship with him as an adult.

  4. My father has been absent early in my life so when I asked my mom if he’d be okay if he knew I was gay (which I’m pretty sure he was aware since my tendencies were unnoticeable from the very beginning) she said “no”.

    To be honest with you I’m glad he wasn’t present because otherwise I’d never see my potential, not only as a gay man but as a human being as well.

    I mean, I’m grateful I didn’t reach a point of harming myself badly or being defenseless to end up in a hospital bed in my teenage years (and thus far) but yeah, nowadays I often acknowledge the fact that I couldn’t be someone else but Me. All of my knowledge and skills wouldn’t come to fruition if my father was around or followed my intuition, for example.

    I’m also grateful because my mother has been very supportive and she endured shady situations when people were questioning my sexual orientation even before I knew what being gay was.

    I know many people aren’t as blessed as most us are so I value my Life even more because of this.

  5. Well as for the being homosexual unless you experienced some kinda trams or something when you were young then you more than likely was born they way and that is perfectly ok. Honestly though reading a lot of your blog entries like this, it kinda seems like your mother & grandmother did the same thing to you. Kinda sounds like those generational cursed that you may need to break. You are very intelligent handsome man that runs his own blog. That is more than a accomplishment! You might start to see yourself in you true light as oppose to the one your family put on your. A lot of times parents and grandparents do what they know mix in their own trauma and boom we get sacred! You have to let that go and see you “For You”! What they think or pushed you to be does not matter. Be blessed and lifted!

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