i pray that i’ve never provided anyone with any trauma out here.
we don’t realize the things we do can really fuck someone up.
they can carry that trauma with them for years,
crippling them from being the best versions of themselves.
on my birthday,
my daddy called me and we had a transparent conversation.
i wanted to hear his side of the story and i’ll be honest with you…
My grandmother and mother really destroyed my father’s self-esteem
even though my grandmother and mother has since passed on,
he was scared to be real about the ill-treatment from her and my mother.
“It was terrible.”
that is all he kept saying when i tried to get him to open up.
it got to the point where i could feel his anxiety rising and stopping himself from crying.
i hated that for him and let him know it wasn’t right they kept me from him.
there was a shit ton of miscommunication with his ideas for me too.
i feel really sorry for my father and i’m hoping to help him find his own closure.
he said he had plans for me growing up,
which involved being a sports star and singing in the choir like him.
singing in a choir?
i had to wonder tho:
What would life been like if my father had more control over my upbringing?
i know he was cheap af and was very cold emotionally.
i asked him for a toy and he told me money didn’t grow on trees.
a phrase my grandmother loved to use on me yet she made him buy my school uniforms.
my father is the opposite of who i am,
but would i have been straight?
would i have made a website called insidejamarifox.com in barbados?
would i have been like a mini version of him?
i guess those answers lie in another dimension.
lowkey: i’m attracted to emotionally unavailable males because of what i was exposed to.