Bedtime Stories About Sex Sites and Potential Loose Bussy

alice-in-wonderland-beautiful-blue-books-fairy-tales-Favim.com-127741did you brush your teeth?
did you wash your face?
did you take a shower?
did you put your clothes out for tomorrow?
pack your bag?
good boy.
its time to hear a bedtime story!
one i will talk about tomorrow.
this is the story of a fox who realized gay sex sites are not the wave anymore.
well for him anyway.
hooking up is so yesterday,
or it is it?
well one of my f-bi sent me this story written by lester brathwaite.
it was seen over at mr obnoxious.
lets get into it shall we…

Why I’ve Given Up on Hooking Up
Lester Brathwaite
Sex has never been a particularly pleasant experience for me. It’s a fundamental part of being a gay man, of being a human being, but the “fun” part has always eluded me. Don’t get me wrong, I always enjoyed the bumping of proverbial uglies (I am a romantic at heart, after all) but the lead-up before and the fallout thereafter eclipsed that enjoyment. The hunt is exhausting. The encounter is fleeting. The loneliness seeps in. And then it begins anew. The cycle continues. Like all addictions, there’s a cycle.

For me, the process of hooking up has become an addiction. An addiction fueled by insecurity. The insecurity that comes with being a gay man. The insecurity that you’re not masculine enough when masculinity is demanded of you — absolutely demanded — as a matter of course from other gay men. “Masc musc” whimpers many a profile. Masculine. Muscular. Abs prominently on display. Face obscured or head completely decapitated. This is the faceless face of hooking up in the 21st century.

This emphasis on anonymity and masculinity further engenders internal homophobia in the gay male community. Nevermind what sex between two (or more) men actually entails, we’re taught from a young age to embrace that which is manly and shun that which could be perceived as its antithesis. Femininity is weakness, is undesirable, is a boner-killer if there ever was one. From the ludicrously inflated pecs of Tom of Finland to the sculpted torsos on Grindr, gay men have always prized the hyper masculine, but this exaltation of all things manly forces those of us who don’t necessarily fit within those rigid gender constructs to make one of two choices: rebel or conform. I’ve tried both and I can say from experience — it takes a real man to be a queen.

I had my first flirtation with hookup culture back in high school — pre-Grindr, pre-Manhunt, maybe even pre-Craigslist — when XY (the now-defunct magazine for twinks and their admirers) had an online personals section. Then I was just coming into my own as a gay and I bought my occasional copy of XY with more than a little shame. I’d sneak onto my friend’s computer, excited to find others like me. It was all so new, but even then I remembered being confronted with the reality of the internet’s sway on people’s attitudes and mores: “no blacks, no Asians, no fats, no fems.”

The inherent racism of gay male hookup culture masquerading as a “preference” akin to height or hair color is an issue I’ve struggled with since then — and have grown weary discussing — but it’s incidental to my argument here. Being online and having a world of men at your fingertips with a wall of anonymity between you and them makes us all awful people. It reinforces unreal body expectations, encourages the enumeration of ideal qualities/deal breakers, and contributes to the further disconnectedness of my already disconnected generation. I’ve spent countless hours, whether alone or in the company of friends I rudely ignored, staring intently at my phone, slavishly yet listlessly flipping through the same profiles, wasting my time and poking holes in my self-esteem for what? Sex? Maybe. Love? Hardly. Validation? Probably.

All addictions have their respective highs. Guys telling me how sexy I was, or how cute I was, or what a great body I had made me feel good about myself. I worked out to be attractive to other men. Working out also made me feel good about myself, but that esteem was tied to the approval of others. I could stare in the mirror for hours on end — artfully posing to achieve that perfect profile pic — but if no one told me I was attractive, why would I have reason to believe it? My ego as inflated as the pecs of the bikers and sailors in Tom of Finland’s iconic drawings, I drowned in my own reflection. And I perpetuated the cycle of unreal expectations and ideals. Homosexuality is acknowledged narcissism and guys tend to seek out others like themselves. So I tried to be like the guys I wanted to attract. I can work out obsessively; I can take shirtless, faceless selfies of myself and plaster them across the internet; I can pretend to be masculine, but I can’t be something I’m not. I can’t be white, I can’t be the masculine ideal others want me to be, I can’t live my life by rigid standards to which I never subscribed.

It’s all a game and I tried to play by the rules. Not so at first. I tried to be myself, or rather, to represent myself as truthfully as I could. Even the truth requires the proper lighting and the omission of certain facts. My profiles — with the proliferation of hookup apps and websites like Adam4Adam and Manhunt, I had about six profiles running concurrently — featured my face along with the obligatory shirtless pics and a playful description of me. I got some attention, but not from the caliber of guys I felt I deserved. My looks, as validated by the very men I was rejecting, gave me license to be more selective. As I grew more selective, my profiles grew less playful. I erased my face. I added more shirtless pics and naked pics; I worked out harder; I left my descriptions blank so I would have nothing to blame for a guy not messaging me back, other than his own “preference.”

But it was never enough. Some guys can put aside their personal feelings with a studied yet cool sense of detachment; they can allegedly just have fun and not take this silly thing too seriously. But I’m not one of them. I take everything too seriously. I would wait with bated breath for a response from a guy and if it didn’t come I would wonder what was wrong with me. Was it something I said or didn’t say? Am I not muscular enough? Am I not masculine enough? Am I too black? Not black enough? Guys that I would strike up a casual conversation with immediately became potential boyfriends. We would either meet and have sex and I’d never see him again or we’d casually text until one or both of us lost interest. Some times, we’d meet and I’d face my rejection in-person. Were we to meet in another, less sexually-charged way, things would probably be different. Giving all the goods off the bat, however, takes the surprise and spontaneity out of meeting each other.

But these apps and sites have rendered me completely unable to interact with guys in any other way because they cater to my insecurity. My insecurity about talking to guys. My insecurity with coming off too effeminate or too needy. My insecurity of attracting someone without using my body. It’s one thing to be rejected based on a picture and a headline, but to be rejected based on something more substantial like personality is a soul-crusher. I broke myself down and I beat myself up and I compromised my values and what I believed in in order to satisfy my all-consuming sexual desire. I recognized that this desire was just a desire to be less lonely, which explains why I would often get attached to someone so quickly and so easily.

For instance, I chatted on the phone for an hour with one guy I met on Adam4Adam. After the fact, I sent him a few texts to which he didn’t respond right away. That prompted me to send him a long message on Adam, apologizing if I had scared him away. I’m not a phone person in general and an hourlong conversation is otherwise unheard of with me, except on very rare occasions with very dear friends I probably haven’t seen or spoken to in a while. Meanwhile, the object of my misguided affection had no idea what I was talking about. He was busy and had meant to respond to my texts, but for me, a steady stream of second-guesses immediately came flooding into my head.

I hung out twice with another guy I met off the app Jack’d. The second time he slept over and we cuddled all night. The following morning was perfect. He was in my arms, the sun filtered in through my apartment windows, illuminating our naked, intertwined bodies. I recorded the moment in my head because I knew it would never last and that I would likely not experience it again any time soon. I didn’t hear from him for a while after that most perfect morning. I sent him a text to the end that I assumed he had lost interest. He replied that he was simply busy so I added — perhaps with the intent of pushing him away before I was inevitably hurt — that I was “kinda crazy” and that I “kinda liked” him. I never heard from him again.

Then yesterday, I had enough. A guy that went to my gym messaged me on Scruff, yet another app in my casual sex arsenal. We had seen each other in the gym before and had obviously checked each other out, but as is often the case, it was easier to talk through our mutual online profiles. No one likes being rejected and that additional buffer makes the rejection less painful. Or so it would seem. When I saw him in the gym again he completely ignored me. And that’s when I nearly burned my gym down to the goddamn ground. I got so mad. So enraged. But why? Why was I letting this get to me again? It wasn’t the first time this had happened. I had been on both sides of that equation. The ignored and the ignorer. But that was the last straw.

I had finally grown tired of putting myself through all these waves of doubt and insecurity over what some guy with a few pictures and a handful of sentences (if not just a headless torso with nothing else) may or may not think of me — if he thought of me at all. I want to have more respect for myself. To stop sending naked pics of myself to strangers in hopes that they’ll like me based not on who I am but what I look like and what I could potentially do to their eagerly awaiting assholes. To stop attributing my value to my body and its ability to attract. I want to have relationships away from my screen. So I quit.

I deleted all of my sex profiles.

Some addictions you have to quit cold turkey. That’s not to say I won’t be back. I’ve deleted my profiles before, only to come crawling back, promising myself that things would be different. But I fall into the same trap every time. The cycle of self-loathing and self-compromise. So I’m quitting, for now, indefinitely. I need to work on myself and my insecurities rather than hiding them or magnifying them in digital form, or trying to banish them all together through sex with the hottest men I could find. If they liked me, I could like myself. Oh, gurl. I’m not even into S&M but playing the casual NSA hookup game is the most masochistic thing I could have possibly done to myself.

Now it’s up to me to attempt to make real connections in the real world. Because through this process I realized the most important thing — that all those apps and sites aren’t real. I always attempted to see the headless torsos as real people, but they’re just the versions of the people they want to be. That’s why the connection online and in-person is often lost in translation: you can’t carry on a relationship — strings attached or not — with someone who doesn’t exist.

38-the-best-of-megan-fox-animated-picturesoh god yes.
that feels so good baby.

right there.
uh huh.
yes.
a little to the left.

wait…
omg the story is done!
get up!
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no seriously,
i thought that was the deepest thing ive read in a while.
i’ll definitely get into that tomorrow.

lowkey: did mr obnoxious have to out the people in those jack’d profiles?
sheesh!

article found: mr. obnoxious

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Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

22 thoughts on “Bedtime Stories About Sex Sites and Potential Loose Bussy

  1. Keep what you have (head sex time) until the person comes that really is worth you and whst you have to give. Messed up people will mess up pdople ( catch).

  2. This dude needs to get the f**k out of my head! I swear I have done the same things. The lonliness he spoke of, the insecurity, the self doubts, the freaking out when they guy you’ve chatted with stops texting back. Its so real. I think especially if you are closeted and apps are your only means of meeting guys it becomes a big issue (which is my problem). Either way this guy laid it down exactly the way it is at least for me.

  3. I loved the article. I thought it was well written and honest. I think a lot of gay black men can relate to everything this man was saying. it’s very hard to be discreet yet desire an active dating life. William McCray was wrong for posting those pictures, but what did you expect from a jackal…

  4. googled his name. he’s a writer for huff post. saw his pics. He’s a kween who worked out to get noticed. He even deleted his twitter. lol

  5. What amazes me is the fact that even men of perceived high caliber don’t have enough common sense, self respect, patience, or whatever to wait for the right one. Just goes to show you we all have insecurities. Or maybe they just don’t want to settle down. Idk. I know two of the guys he posted very personally (I’m assuming Obnoxious is from cali?) and they’re prime examples of well to do black men who are basically prostituting themselves online for no reason. I wonder if loneliness and low self esteem are only partial reasons?

  6. FINALLY someone who addressed the big ass elephant in the room lol…I’m so glad someone said it…it’s like we want to have love or have someone to care for us in a deep way BUT this sex site stuff is OVERRATED…a plethora of phat asses and big dicks to choose from..many of these men aren’t even who they appear to be in photos, or are simply EPIC FAILURES in LIFE outside of their images…Many of them have NO GOALS, no ambitions it’s just sex…very seldom do you come across someone on those sites that actually has a life off of those sites…some people stay logged in all day perusing for trade and etc…like my homegirl says all the time “after the butt then what” but my spin on it is ‘after the nut then what”…if the entire premise is solely built on sex once they get the sex up front it loses it’s allure and then they’re off to their next fix..We get mad because we feel there was a connection made, but honestly and truly the only connection that you can ultimately get off of those sites is great sex or maybe a great buddy to hang out with. The chances of finding long-term romance in this time is slim to none especially on sites catered to hooking up….More so than ever i desire intimacy…and as a openly gay man (my family and close friends know) i just don’t think i have the emotional and physical tolerance to deal with a heavily DL man who has to damn near sneak around for us to even converse in general…there are gay men out there who are comfortable in their skin. I feel that’s the MAIN ISSUE behind most men hooking up…MANY don’t want to address that they’re gay..I had a man i was seeing years ago ask me after sex what do i consider my sexual orientation to be. I told him i considered myself to be gay. i was only 22 at the time but i knew. Meanwhile he was 34 and once i asked him about his orientation he went into defense mode. Started proclaiming how he gets major pussy and that hey just looks for ass from time to time…Needless to say we continued to hookup for sometime but eventually it ended…if you want something different you just have to switch it up…

    same actions= SAME OUTCOME
    Different actions= DIFFERENT OUTCOME
    Definition of insanity is doing the same thing but expecting an different outcome.. Also we have this internalized homophobia in our community that causes many to think that being openly gay equates to being feminine and etc. So many black men live behind labels that it keeps them from fully enjoying life..Labels of what they will do in the bedroom, not realizing that when you care for someone you’ll do things outside of the box. Labels in the real world ‘masculine, a ‘real nigga’, and etc..all of these things do not take away the fact that if you’re gay you’re gay…from the masculine gym rat who is a top to the feminine bttm dancing at home to Beyonce late on a Friday night, we are all in the same boat..i just hope that this digital social media era dies within the new few years because it has caused people, both str8 and gay to lose their humanity….GREAT READ JAMARI thanks for sharing!!!!

  7. I don’t know nothing about online dating…I mean hookups except from what I hear from other people. I have my feelings about it, but I’ll save it for a later day lol.

    All of those profile posts were unnecessary tho. Why did he do that?

      1. I go about meeting men the same way about meeting regular people. In other words, it’s all about who I know and who I bump into. I’m different from the average man in this lifestyle, and not because of superficial reasons either. I don’t feel any pressure on myself as if I have to have a man to be content and happy with my life. I’m a confident and positive person and it shows. I just turned 21 this past August, so I’m still very young and I’m career focused right now. Men stare and hit on me often. I know I could have any of them if I wanted to. I don’t meet men to have sex with them, I want more than that because I know I’m worth more than that. I’ve never had a one night stand. That’s just not me.

      1. That guy is an asshole.Those guys did not send pics to him.He likes to out people .I am banned from his site because I said he is Gay and needs to stop denying it.Spurned exes send him nude pics.His main targets are ministers.Although he just posted pics of Jill Scott.To repeat he likes to out Gay and DL men with pics,profiles,texts.His supporters send info to him.BTW he is ugly as F.

  8. Well, the writer of the Obnoxious blog is gay. I met him on Adam4Adam.com . I have his number and have spoken with him by phone. For some reason, he likes to out people, particularly those in the church crowd like ministers, deacons, choir leaders and gospel singers.

    Recently, a gay man–a minister–that I met on Adam4Adam in my fair city was outed by the Obnoxious blog and the Obnoxious blog posted dick and ass pics of the minister. And this is telling: Recently, the Obnoxious blog outed two ministers or deacons or singers or such and published pictures of them kissing. Both were and are married. When the wives didn’t quickly rush to divorce, he published a follow-up article practically daring the wives to file for divorce. Don’t think so? Then read the postings on his blog. Those postings were published in the past month or two.

    Publishing those pictures was because he wanted to illustrate good looking black men on online gay dating sites. But apparently, he didn’t give a care about the privacy of the men, some of which may have been outed by him. And by the way, the fact that they posted their pictures in gay dating site does not mean that they wanted their pictures publicized elsewhere–like on the Obnoxious blog.

  9. Malcolm, I like that “after the butt then what” and ‘after the nut then what” I’ll use that. Deep down men tend to be shallow. The currency of trade is looks, body, sex, sex appeal and youth. If you have it, you spend–to get others with looks, body, sex, sex appeal and youth. If you don’t have it, then you beg. (and of course real money can substitute for one, some or all of the above).

    The hook-up culture–aided and abetted by hook-up websites just contributes to it. It’s “bust a nut and move on” to bust a nut with the next guy. I don’t see that ending anytime soon. One problem with it–of course–is the spread of HIV and other STDs. More than one-third of black men in the US are HIV positive (and I suspect that it’s closer to one-half). And 20% of American adults has herpes. And hepatitis can kill you faster than HIV. Anonymous/NSA sex just contributes to the spread of HIV and other STDs because not all can be stopped by condoms and condoms tear and come off.

    The moral of the story is: Be careful out there. But many do not and that’s why blacks are 44% of all people with HIV infection in the US and 44% of all new HIV infection cases so I know that many will now heed my admonishion. Sex is too easy to get and it feels too good–until your dick or ass is caught and you get HIV or herpes or syphilis or gonorrhea of the mouth. Times up. Too late. Game over.

  10. The funny thing about this was I found a link to this article by Mr. Obnoxious himself on his jackd profile. He was definitely trying to hook up with me lol

    1. He denies being Gay on his site I called him a hypocrite and told him to come out the closet.He laughed it off the first time.He deleted my comment when I repeated he was not Straight.Some women defended him for outing men.He deleted another comment of mine.At one point I could no longer comment.He is evil

      1. He is a Queen without a country… if you’ve ever seen “Dirty Laundry” (starring Rockmond Dunbar, Loretta Devine and Jenifer Lewis), he makes a cameo as the queen directing choir rehearsal.

  11. I am a little late reading this entry, but it spoke to me deep down in my soul and spirit. He so eloquently put into words what so many us feel dating in the online age. Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.

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