remind me never to get high again.
i’m still sorta high right now.
i smoked like 11 hours ago.
i got higher than i’ve ever been in all my life tonight.
yes.
i’ve smoked weed before.
i wasn’t really a fan,
but i’ve been so stressed and depressed.
when work wolf offered yesterday i said:
“well why not?”
yeah bad decision…
so at work yesterday,
work wolf texted me and asked what i was doing that night.
i told him i was going to run some errands,
but other than that,
it would be a chill situation.
“you want to go to the movies?”
i didn’t decline.
so after work,
we went to the spot in the lower west side.
the music was loud and it was pretty packed.
work wolf bought me a drink and we just stood there.
the movie started at 730-ish.
we were pretty much around the corner so it wasn’t a big deal.
when we left the bar,
i was telling work wolf how stressed i was.
i told him all the reasons.
he listened and gave some solid advice.
i can tell he is still getting to understand me tho.
“you wanna smoke?”
“where are we gonna smoke at?”
“a quiet street.
duh.”
“will we get caught?”
“nah.”
he told me he does this all the time.
there is an art to smoking on the street apparently.
i guess i missed that memo.
i was already feeling nice,
so i let my inhibitions push me towards letting go.
we found a nice street and he pulled out a massive blunt out his bag.
i took about 6 pulls.
he took more.
the movie was starting in 15 minutes.
we were going to see “black mass” with johnny depp.
work wolf told me it some regular weed.
it didn’t feel like it.
i felt so fuckin’ high.
as i walked,
my legs started feeling like they wanted to give out.
“you good?”
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
“i’m good.”
“yeah you look good.”
i actually was regretting doing it.
i don’t like not feeling in control of my myself.
as we walked to the theater,
we saw these two snow animals and a cute little cub.
he was pushing a scooter.
“now i seen everything…”
“what?”
“two gay men and a baby.”
it was like he emphasized the “gay men”.
it felt judgmental.
“you never saw that before?”
“nah.”
“you need to get out more.”
he didn’t disagree.
that is the norm in the city.
where he been?
don’t ask me how i got in the movie theater.
hell how i paid for the ticket.
that part is a blur.
all i know is my mind was going the speed of light.
i could not concentrate.
i felt paranoid.
i tried to think positive,
but it seems it was enhancing all the negatives.
work wolf got more of a personality when he was high.
he is actually funny.
he also seemed to show his insecurities as well.
he kept asking me about how his clothes looked on him.
“you think these pants make me look small?”
like work wolf,
i’m trying to hold myself down to the ground right now.
seriously?
he bought all the munchie food for us.
i know he kept asking me if i wanted more food at the register.
i could get whatever and he would pay for it.
just get me to my seat please.
don’t even get me started on us standing at the concession stand,
for like what felt to be 10 minutes,
waiting on the butter to come down out the device.
don’t get me started on why neither of us pushed the button.
we was just standing there like two idiots.
clearly…
i’m positive everyone could tell we were high.
it felt awkward between us tho.
like…
when we are sober,
he sits next to me.
this time,
he sat a chair across from me and we put our bags in the empty seat.
“i need space.”
we did longer than usual eye contact,
but i could tell he was trying to keep his distance.
well i was in a very insecure place so that could be a reason.
i didn’t feel comfortable with him at that moment.
as i sat there in the dark,
trying to concentrate on this movie,
i remember feeling so low for even liking work wolf.
i felt bad for some reason.
like i made a mistake.
if i could have walked out the theater and go home,
i would have.
even though i closed my eyes a few times,
i can tell you everything about that movie.
it actually made me paranoid because it was so violent.
every other scene was scene was someone getting shot or beat up.
i even had visions of work wolf beatin’ me up or having me jumped.
i had to ask myself why the fuck am i watching this?
good movie tho.
when we left,
around like 10-ish because that movie was type long,
work wolf admitted he is going to fuck that same vixen he wasn’t interested in later.
“i thought it was over between you two?”
“nah.”
“so i’m guessing it is getting serious.”
“i don’t know.”
apparently he isn’t interested,
she is not his type,
but he is still fuckin’ her.
he was going to fuck her and kick her out.
“that is so mean tho!”
“don’t act like you wouldn’t do it to.”
i honestly wouldn’t if i liked the wolf.
i wouldn’t do it to him if he was down.
“look i work to hard every day to be trying to talk after work.
give me the pussy and go.”
“so she is now a hoe then?”
“nah.
i don’t think of the vixens i take out as hoes.
she just something to do right now.”
maybe it was the slight highness,
but i was confused.
he told me how he doesn’t want to talk to me about her.
he didn’t answer when i asked the reason.
i had to wonder if she was unattractive or something.
he told me how he is talking to three other vixens right now tho.
all are vixens from his past he isn’t really interested in.
“doesn’t that make you a hoe tho?”
“nah i’m a man.”
“so you’re a man hoe?”
“you wouldn’t understand.”
“why?”
“because you’re…”
say no more.
i have this impression he has this twisted idea of gay men.
like every obvious gay on the street,
he’ll turn and ask me:
“he has to be gay,
right?”
or
“you think he is gay?”
um.
yeah.
the pineapple switching harder than most vixens.
i remember one had muscles and “looked” masculine,
but was a queen when he opened his mouth.
i could tell by the energy tho.
maybe…
he met me and realized not all gays are “the rule”?
there are a lot of “exceptions” out here.
the foxhole breeds many.
i asked him what has been his longest relationship.
“6 months.”
he told me he gets bored quick with vixens.
i knew that already since he already told me.
one thing i noticed is he is very private about vixens with me.
i don’t know what that’s about.
“is it because i’m gay?”
“nah.
not at all.”
“are you sure?
it seems like it.”
“nah.
i’m just private.”
the awkward silence went to a quick subject change.
he told me how he had a good time with me.
he said something about he likes putting up with my bitchy attitude.
i won’t lie,
but i get him in check real quick.
i enjoy it.
is that too honest?
i also told him i enjoy his “asshole” ways.
he doesn’t realize how much of an asshole he comes off tho.
“we were made for each other then.”
i guess so.
before he got off,
he told me how much of a bad mood he was in earlier too.
he told me how he uses weed to suppress his anger and other things.
“i think i need anger management or something.
i can’t explain it…”
the crazy part is,
i couldn’t tell he was mad.
that was a little scary.
deep down inside,
he seems like there is a lot going on inside him.
i guess the weed helps him get it together.
he got off the train and i tried to hold my own shit together until my stop.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…and then the train stalled in a tunnel for an hour 1/2.
it brought my entire anxiety out full tilt.
even worse…
i was thirsty and had no water in my bag.
something told me get some earlier too.
i literally walked in the door about two hours ago.
so i’m here feeling more depressed than when i started.
i feel like i’m not worth a damn thing right about now.
like…
where is my life even going?
i’m a mess.
until?
work wolf is probably fucking and i’m laying here fucked.
low-key: did i mention i won’t be smoking again?
okay good.
Your weed experience was funny but it sang to me because I had a crazy ass experience the second time I did it! lol Thats a story for another day, but as i was reading there was one line that I have felt resonate with all fuck boys out there Jamari:
“doesn’t that make you a hoe tho?”
“nah i’m a man.”
I have heard THAT SHIT from straight/gay/bi/alien/blue/green men. Like what in the 7 fucks does that even mean?! Negro is that some kind of pass??? Because you are a male its okay to be on some fuck shit and fuck everything that walks, be in your feelings to the extreme/confused as fuck, and just keep running around with no intention to vibe with something good?! Get the fuck away from me and disappear with a quickness out my life lol.
Jamari if you ever hear a dude say that just walk away like LEGIT just walk away, no questions, no statements, just dipset. I feel men like that are SO lost they make that show “lost” seem found. There is no changing/saving/recovering/healing men like that, just let them burn up and stay away from them so you dont catch aflame with them.
God that felt good to type lol, back into my lane I go 😀
Peeped this awhile back nothing changed lol. He just sees all gay dudes as women. He sees you like that too tbh, and you sorta play into it fully accepting the female gender role with him. Idk if you really think he see’s you as diff i.e a masculine gay male, I’m not getting that vibe at all tho.
+1
Chile, he sound crazy.
I wanted to write this but I was scared lol this guy is displaying underlying mental issues. It could be why he has Jamari so confused. He isn’t operating like a sane person.
Exactly, LOL
Waiting for the butter but never pushed the button LOL 😂
Okay but on a serious note…I have moments like this too (not getting high) but feeling low and stressed. For me it’s like a roller coaster of emotions and I never know where the ride is gonna take me. Find a way to keep yourself busy and productive. Something to distract the mind. Painting, creating a vision board of what u want to come in your life etc. It helps me.
It’s gonna get better J. 🙏🏾😄
^the foxhole is my distraction.
getting high just seemed to enhance everything wrong with me.
hated every minute of it.
Dying! Weed is my guilty pleasure Jamari, smoked earlier. You had a bad high, happens when you’re getting too high, I’d say it happened to me maybe 3 times so far. Work Wolf was a bad person to spark up with, he didn’t take care of you.
When you’re that high you should stay away from loud as hell places and do less walking to avoid this. Keeping food and water near sounds petty, but I passed out from dehydration and threw up from getting lit on an empty stomach. When a high turns bad, it’s the worst shit, you get paranoid and stop making sense. My paranoid ass thought the weed got laced and I wouldn’t wake up. It seems like people can tell you’re high, but they usually don’t think so unless they been high before.
High right now and rambling. I think you’re only hurting yourself trying to interpret things Work Wolf does, it might not be that serious. Dudes always laughing and telling some fake story about a vixen they’re smashing. Work Wolf might just understand you’re a different kind of guy, you aren’t interested in a hit and quit with some vixen. I know friends/family always pointing out somebody gay, but they don’t mean it in a negative way, it’s just different and grabs their attention.
^i will def take this advice about smoking weed!
i smoked on an empty stomach and I felt I wanted to throw up.
thanks dee.
WW is a piece of work for sure, and I can already tell that something in his child hood was very traumatic and he has some deep insecurities about his manhood, but the sad part about it is so many dudes out here now are just like this. Hell if I am honest, most dudes I meet cant hold my attention for a long period of time either, and the ones I meet who do, usually I dont hold their attention for long, so it is a no win for both Gay and Str8 dudes in 2015. If you could get to the root of WW, I can almost bet that someone really close to him abandon him at a young age. J you provide a calm in his life and he likes the attention of course you give him, but as Gay men when other men get close to us and pay us attention especially if they are attractive we tend look at it in a more sexual manner in our mind, probably like a Str8 dude who is friend with a pretty or fine vixen in the back of his mind, he still thinks about giving her the business, and that usually leaves us in a pretty bad place emotionally.
I have only smoke weed a couple of times but I guess I didnt know what I was doing because I never got anything out of it, or felt any different than when I drank and smoking behind someone is gross to me so its a habit I never picked up LOL.
^yeah I feel empty.
maybe it is my “high mind”,
but I feel absolutely empty.
I do enjoy some recreational bud here & there… Don’t get the anxiety/stress you got though… Lmao, poor baby. I was wondering when your inhibitions were gonna drop! I think weed tends to do that to most… you get mad bold. Lol
J, why do you think you have these seesaw emotions with WW?
^shit…
that weed has me fucked up.
I think fear is the culprit.
im scared of him because ive never had a friend like this before.
it’s always been very straight forward.
like i said many times,
I can’t type out every interaction we have.
it’s like I want people to believe me what I’m saying or something…
if that makes sense.
I believe you because I’ve been you before.
Jamari.. Please stop hanging with work wolf. It just seems like you are hoping things will change and it will not change until you change.
^i think im going to give him a break for a while.
i need one as well.
we hang and it’s cool,
but I need to get me together.
From what I can tell people like you except the ones jealous and they only hate you because they aint you. Your life is going wherever you decide to take it. I feel you want alot but haven’t decided what you want first and taking steps to go get it. Stop thinking so much. When you start feeling a certain way..start reading….the bible..you will be surprised the answers that will start coming to you and the peace you will feel
^you are so right tony.
im glad this is happening because it’s making me more aware of me.
Sounds like you had a eventful night. I’m not much of a weed smoker myself ( if friends have some I take a hit and keep it moving 😩)
Your season is coming don’t let these feelings of depression get the best of you.
^i haven’t done it in such a long time.
weed is interesting to me.
some can make me feel like he sexiest fox alive.
others will have me ready to pull out my rosary beads and start calling out for Jesus.
more sexiest fox and less “put your hands on me God!”