i’ve been thinking about something lately that has been sitting on my chest.
let me do my big one and get it out...

“what does it do to you when you keep being almost chosen?“

not rejected exactly.
not unloved exactly.
just…
being the “almost“.
the male who pops up years (maybe decades) later but with a whole family.
the male who watches from the shadows.
the male who gave you chemistry,
history,
little moments that made you sure something was there,
but all those males have something in common:

they all wasted your time.

i was looking for the “i want you“.
i don’t think i’ve spent my life being completely unwanted.
i think i’ve spent a lot of it being wanted in pieces.

wanted enough to flirt with.
wanted enough to remember.
wanted enough to watch.
wanted enough to circle back.
wanted enough to leave an impression.

…but not wanted enough to stay.
that realization will humble the fuck out of you.
there are wolves from my younger years who still cross my mind.
wolves who saw me before i even fully knew who i was.
wolves who came into my life with heat,
confusion,
attraction,
mixed signals,
and just enough attention to make me think there was a developing story there.

went on ghost.
went on to vixens.
went on to marriages.
went on to children.
went on to whole lives that had nothing to do with me.

i was left wondering if i imagined the whole thing.

was i a crush?
an experiment?
a passing fancy?
a secret?
a person they genuinely cared about but didn’t have the courage to deal with?

i don’t know and i think that’s what has always hurt.
i was not even worth the beginning or the abrupt ending.

i’m tired of having to interpret males.
i’m tired of wondering if he wanted me because they remembered something i said eight years ago.
i’m tired of looking at story views and thinking,
“why did he come back?“.
i’m tired of burner accounts.
i‘m tired of the married and unhappy males.
i’m tired of the “this straight life wasn’t what i thought it would be”.
i’m tired of “maybe.”
i’m tired of trying to make intimacy out of breadcrumbs.

i don’t want hidden attraction anymore.
i don’t want coded affection.
i don’t want to be somebody’s emotional side quest.
i don’t want to be used because he is unhappy in his straight marriage now.

i want a male who is clear and can say/font:

“i like you.”
“i want to see you.”
“i think you’re sexy.”
“i was thinking about you.”

no scooby doo mysteries,
no emotional scavenger hunts,
no waiting eight years to figure out what a moment meant.
i just want to feel like i mean something more to another male.
that they see me and see the love and the fantasy.

maybe that’s the real grief?

that i was easy to reel in but easier to dismiss.
in the moment tho,
it felt like these wolves cared.
maybe some of them did; maybe some still do.

loving or lusting me quietly has never been enough for me.

i don’t want to be unforgettable to someone who keeps disappearing.
i want to be unforgettable to someone who stays.
it is wrong i want to feel special?
like,
i can send “him” a text message/DM/or call and he answers back.

i’m tired of feeling like i never mattered when at one point,
i clearly did.

lowkey: these males made me feel like they didn’t trust me,
but it turns out i couldn’t trust them.