Vent On

sometimes i need to realize i’m not perfect.
sometimes i need to realize i fuck up.
sometimes i need to realize i’m human.
sometimes i need to realize its okay jamari…

karaoke sent me a text message today of why she loves me.
it made me smile even tho i was a little down.
she said:

“you are a great person”
“anyone would be proud to have you in their life”
“you are very attractive and people have crushes on you as well”

i often send cheerful positive messages at random to people,
but when its sent to me on random,
i am usually left with the:

i am my own worst enemy.
i have become use to my mind making me a human punching bag.
instead of high lighting all the good things,
i go straight to thinking the negative about me.
you know what makes me jealous?

people who can simply overcome things just by positive thinking

i mean how does that work?
how does one think positive and change their outcome?
its like i try it and fuck up somehow.
i’m starting to think i try too hard.
i need to try to simply let go and keep on climbing my mountain.
that big beast…
tumblr_lwitgzW1PS1qaf90uo7_r2_250i noticed that when i think about something and let go,
i usually get an answer from the universe pretty quick.
its the big things that i dwell on,
the ones that take my power,
are the things i have the most trouble with.

i know i’ll never be perfect.
i guess i’m still living in the world when my parents were alive.
when they tried to live perfectly.
it got to the point i was scared to fuck up.
scared to be alone.
ever since star fox died,
i have felt a part of me died with him.
i have realized that i’m the problem.
its not that i’m a hyena or a jackal,
i just haven’t allowed myself see the good in me.
my mind is constantly betraying and bullying me.
i need it to stop.

as of late,
i’ve been feeding my mind with positive snacks.
the law of attraction is the biggest one.
its hard to follow,
but i totally get it.

“whatever a fox thinketh, so be-eth”

…so maybe i do just need to relax?
or tell a new story?

everyone in my life is saying it.
work wolf included.
its just not getting through.
i’m always quick to listen to the self defeat thoughts.
i sit at that table and i’m so over it.
forreal forreal.

i’m still a work in progress,
but lets face it,
a fox needs some new tools.

vent off.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

14 thoughts on “Vent On”

  1. I’m right there with you I can be really down on my self at time. It’s easy for me to point out the good in my friends but can’t seem to do it for myself. Life can toss lemons and I can’t seem to make lemonade, lol

    Like you should she when my wolf “friend” throw me a compliment or tell ms me the positives things he likes about me I’m literally blushing asking to see if it’s true,sigh

  2. You’re not alone Jamari. I have that same struggle. I am definitely my biggest critic. I try to think of my positive qualities when those thoughts come to mind or talk to a friend for reassurance. But people like us have to remind ourselves that we are great and its okay to openly welcome those compliments of love. We also gotta learn not to be so hard on ourselves (that the toughest thing to do). I have a ways to go, but i made progress, and im happy about that!

    If it counts for anything, your friend is right. ” you are a great person” and I mean that! Even though I don’t know you personally,I feel like I do through your blog. You appear to be a kind and caring individual.You are willing to help and give advice to people you dont know. Your blog is a refuge to someone like me, a world of its own where you share your life blessing and struggles which helps alot. That to me is not a bad person at all.

    Give yourself some credit!
    You Are A Great Person!
    Now Tell Yourself That! & Remember It!

  3. I think that way of thinking comes at different points in their lives. I still have got some ways to go, because I’m not necessarily a positive person, however, I don’t criticize myself as much anymore because it doesn’t make sense with my way of thinking. It’s just counter-productive and damaging. It took some practice but i learned to be more forgiving of myself and my flaws, and once I was able to do that, my train of thought went to: “hey, I’m not so bad” to “you know, I like who I am and what I represent, if other people don’t get that, its their own lack of maturity and intelligence” and now, I feel like I bring something different to the table that most people can’t tap into.

    It’s true to say you have to overcome yourself. Are you going to let your insecurities stop you or slow you down? Its okay to have insecurities, but its important to understand where they are coming from. Your mentioning of your upbringing is critical here because it has forced you into a way of thinking that makes you think of the external vs. the internal. Loving yourself was not the priority growing up, being as perfect (on the outside) as possible was, and that seems to have stuck with you. You have to define what your priorities are for yourself now, you have to see the lessons from your parents as a guide, not as an instruction manual that you must follow word for word. There are some things that you can leave out.

    Judging from what you’re saying you know that you want internal happiness, you even know subconciously that your flaws aren’t even as bad as you think they are, yet because of the way your mind is structured, your focus is on those flaws, which might not even be flaws at all. This only makes your anxiety worse.

    Understand that sometimes, we are told some things are flaws just to keep the better parts of ourselves suppressed for the sake of being “normal” or even to make sure you don’t succeed in some areas. If you can see some of your flaws as gifts, your whole P.O.V. might change.

    In the meantime, do something that makes you happy, have a drink, go out with a friend, or just doing something productive for yourself is a good quick fix to help you feel better. If you want to be happy, you have to live your life in such a way that would bring you the happiness you desire. You have to align your lifestyle now to what you want it to be using what you have now.

    Oh and its very true, if you say something out loud or even believe a thought, it becomes true. If you think you’re a terrible person, then you must be, if you say you’re a great person, then you must be, but you have to align your lifestyle and behaviours with what you say/think to make it true.

    Even for the people who seem happy all the time, I’m sure they had to climb the same mountains if not bigger to realize that the things that they were criticizing themselves for really meant nothing in the grand scheme of their lives, so why waste energy with that train of thought? It IS a choice, but it takes time, practice, and commitment. I hope this helps a little.

  4. Karaoke sounds like a great friend to have, and more people need friends like that who can actually uplift them from time to time. There are qualities we all have that we do not see until someone else points them out.

  5. hey jamari, i swear u are like my brother from another mother lol! I feel the same way all the time! You re a great person with a great heart! Keep living your life apologetically! Keep your head up keep pushing forward!

  6. Dang I feel like most of us share the same story. I am my worst enemy I look at myself and point out all the negative but stay complimenting and seeing the good in others. I honestly think most of my problems stems from not having a dude in my life. When your in a good healthy stable relationship that significant other can make you feel so good. I live alone and I’m kind of over it, I just want to find that special person I want to be in love. Jamari I don’t know you but I think your a good person and I am so thankful for you helping all of us with your blog.

  7. Jamari… I’m 26 and I have learned that I am (we are) blessed individuals… When things go wrong in our world we tend to place blame or become overly as if the world is over…. But we should rejoice through the good and bad… Cuz life could be soooooooooo much worst.
    You have functioning ARMS &LEGS….
    You have great HEALTH
    You have good HEARING & EYESIGHT…
    All the reasons to REJOICE EVERY MOMENT…

    -Act like Olivia Pope and fix it
    -move on
    Either way there is no need to be DRAMATIC OR A VICTIM to issue cuz WE ALL HAVE THEM…BELIEVE ME!!!!!

    When ever something’ occurs that does not go your way…. I need you to recount all the amazing things that are going on in your life and I need you to be grateful and celebrate you…. You have to put out positive energy to get it back…. Pessimism takes to much energy… It’s fucking exhausting….
    Love this post! We all needed it!

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