time to stop ryding so hard and get off on my own

abusive relationships can come in many forms.
just because they aren’t fucking you,
that doesn’t mean they aren’t abusive.
in the real forests,
people don’t care if you’re good or not.
they don’t care if you’re loyal or will fight in their honor.
how many tv shows/movies have shown “ryde or die” characters getting axed?
their “friend” got a bug in their ear and got rid of them,
only to find out that what was said wasn’t true.
watch out for those types who are easily influenced and can’t think for their own.
sooooooooo i did it again…

my last job,
i wanted to be hired so bad that i put up with a lot.
i had this habit of not trying to take days off because i didn’t want to be fired.

“Well guess what Jamari?
You got fired off some hearsay,
a lie,
and the fact people liked and gravitated towards you so…”

as much as my last department was terrible,
i stuck with it because i enjoyed the job culture.
they held being hired above my head.
there was many times i could have left,
but i stuck around because i really wanted that job.
my whole body changed for the worst due to the stress i was under.
one of my co-workers literally told me the other day:

“The office misses you because you gave your all to make sure we were okay,
but you gotta start looking out for J.”

i don’t put myself first.
it’s always “others“.

“What are people gonna think about me?”
“Will they stop speaking to me?”
“Am I gonna be alone again?”

…and yet most don’t even care how i’d feel.
they are living rent free in my head and i’m not that serious to them.
when i truly like someone(s),
i turn the other cheek.

If I meet a wolf who provides a change in lifestyle,
or his vibe is all i’m attracted to,
will I deal with abuse because of “love”?

i’ve attracted a lot of mistreatment to me over the years.
i’ll cuss a stranger out for trying me,
but folks i won’t do it to folks that i want to be loyal to.
i won’t play the victim because it was 110% my fault at times.
i allowed myself to be mistreated because i wanted to be accepted.
a theme in my life is constantly putting others first only to end up being last.
it’s usuallythe wrong ones i do this for.
a lot of it stems from my childhood and this yearning for approval.
that is very scary and i really need to work on myself this year.
when i get some health insurance or extra money,
i’m really going to look back into therapy.
2020 is the year i stop what has been holding me back.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

3 thoughts on “time to stop ryding so hard and get off on my own

  1. it’s usuallythe wrong ones i do this for.

    Okay Jamari, you didn’t have to preach this Sunday. I feel called out, but let us devote our goodwill to those in need of it. They’ll appreciate it.

    With friends, it’ll come naturally. It won’t feel like we’re giving, because so much love will be put back into us.

    With men, he will remain consistent and his defining personality trait will be caring, because he is into you.

    1. ^i’ve been making some mistakes and i’m ready to heal.
      i put my emotions into surface level situations and i’m left feeling empty.
      i’ve learned and now i’ll apply my energy back into myself again.

  2. I always encourage people to be selfish, whether it is their careers or in their relationship with others because you can lose yourself in the midst of it all if you are not careful. Glad you are trying to start therapy again, as I think speaking to a professional can help. Too many people confide in their friends more than they should and end up draining them in the process.

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