the truth about bipolar disorder and what it means to (mi)

i’m not really interested in this whole kanye west debacle.
he always seems to have these “moments” when something of his is about to drop.
like i said on twitter:

When he is being hauled off to the mental,
call me.

for someone like him,
he needs to be on meds for his outbursts.
if he isn’t taking his meds,
this is the outcome that will happen all the time.
how do i know?
well i want to be completely transparent with the foxhole tonight.
we share so much with each other,
but i want to lay something on the table

Mi suffers with bipolar,
schizophrenia,
and BPD.
when i was anonymous,
i wanted to separate a lot of me from this website.
she isn’t my cousin…

Mi is my sister.

when our parentals died,
we were both separated to different places.
i was way too young to try and take care of her.
many of the adults around us saw dollar signs,
so they all fought for who would take her in.
we were supposed to go to miami with my uncle,
but he played us and changed his mind at the last minute.
her side of the family didn’t want her to go to babrados with my side of the family.
i think if she went to live there,
she would have turned out to be a different person tbh.

mi has suffered a lot in her young life.
i don’t know if being exposed to so much triggered something.
we both stayed at her aunt’s crib for a minute and she was fine then.
once i left to find my own way,
she went completely left.
her aunt allowed her to do whatever she wanted,
had her with big money in the forests,
and spoiled her because she was “light skin and pretty“.
she started fuckin with drug dealers,
drinking excessively,
and didn’t listen to anything an adult told her.
when she came to live with me,
i thought it would be us reunited and being able to live as a unit.
as you know,
she tried to kill me in here.

At that time,
I didn’t know she had various mental health issues at hand.

mi and i are totally estranged these days.
she has her own spot now,
but by updates,
she has many manic moments because she won’t take her medication.
she self medicates with alcohol/weed and was a petty thief.
just two months ago,
she was put into the institution again.

She was stripping naked in the streets and trying to jump in front cars in moving traffic.
Her cousins had to haul her back to her aunt’s spot.
Once she got there,
she was crying,
screaming,
and talking to the tv.

after a few days of not doing anything they asked her to do at the institution,
she was able to ask for release since they can’t keep her in there.
i get updates from family members who either coddle her or at their wits end.
the positive is she has been taking her meds and seeing a therapist.
she always tries to reach out to me over the years,
but i decline the connection each time.
even with family,
when i’m done with you,
i’m done.
last month,
i finally responded and let her know that i’m fine where our relationship is right now.
i’ll be praying for her and i hope she takes care of herself out here.
i don’t know when or if that will change since she does well and then spiral backwards.
its very similar to how kanye is acting.

if this is all legit with kanye in this recent situation,
he is having a manic episode.
i watched a video someone sent me of mi doing the same.
she was rambling in the mirror and going off on people who weren’t there.
i watched that video on repeat like 20 times.

“Wow,
this is my sister.”

that’s all i could say.
if kanye is anything like mi,
he won’t take his meds so he’ll have outbursts like this.
i hope one day mi and he will get it together.

lowkey: i felt it was the perfect time to be honest about that.
all of my friends had a front row seat with what i went through with mi.
it was and is still sad to me how things ended up with us.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

19 thoughts on “the truth about bipolar disorder and what it means to (mi)

  1. That is crazy. My sister has almost the EXACT same mental health issues, and I’m separated from her as well. I can’t be around her for too long because of her narcissistic personality disorder. It’s just too draining for me to be around anymore. She was recently diagnosed with Schizophrenia as well, and has been in and out of hospitals and homeless shelters for over a year now. If you need any advice or links to information on NPD and other debilitating mental illnesses, then I’m here to help.

    1. ^thank you kas.
      i’ll definitely reach out if she does something else.
      her family is dealing with her.
      i cant.
      i’ll gladly send her the information.
      my friends told me to separate myself because they saw how much it was hurting me.

      omg,
      my sister is narcissistic too.
      she will literally do everything for IG.
      i watched her in here taking mad pictures for her ig feed,
      but she had nothing to show for herself.
      she changed her hair every other day just to take pictures.
      it was really bad.

  2. Jamari, I pray for your strength, as well as for your sister’s safety. I commend you for your transparency on this matter.

  3. Jamari, thank you for being open with us. This could not have been easy.

    I guess what I want to say is, you’re not wrong for trying to protect your peace. Prayer feels like it’s the best we can do in most situations. Some don’t believe, others think it’s an excuse to do nothing. You have done all that you can. I am hoping there is a portion of this life where she is on medication consistently, is surrounded by love and not users and you can begin to heal somehow and be amazed by her progress.

    As I read this entry, I felt a deep pain for you. With all that’s going on with her, I do wish you hadn’t been separated. The What If? is something you go back and forth over with. Do not let that eat you alive. The past cannot be changed, but each day she awakens there is a small hope that her situation could improve.

    I’m praying for the best possible outcome. You are an amazing brother. Do not doubt that. You’ve been operating out of love and that’s all any sister could hope for even if she isn’t able to verbalize that to you.

    1. ^thank you c.
      honestly,
      it felt good to write that and finally get that off my chest.

      my mother didn’t want us to get separated.
      she wanted us to be together after death,
      but people saw dollar signs with her.
      they took advantage and spent all the money my mother left her.
      she should have been close to a millionaire if she was around the right adults who had her best interest.
      it’s really sad that this ended up being the outcome and you’re right,
      i’m always left with what if and even blaming myself at times.

      i hope she can get her life together.
      her last life line is getting older and is very sick.
      after she is gone,
      she will be out in the wild with no safety net.

  4. My mouth dropped when i read “Mi is my sister.” I think there’s always going to be a problem with mentally unstable people like her & Kanye until the inner part of their consciousness that wants to do better, takes control. If that makes any sense.

    I’ll be honest. i suffer from some mental issues. The difference between me & them is that i’m too aware as a person. I recognize i have a problem so i fight it. I have no problem admitting this. However when i do let it take control, i don’t lash out. I close all doors and shutdown. I just become exhausted from all the other shit i have going on like working, lack of a love life, etc…

    mi might end up like Britney Spears. You can tell her people keep her doped up on something to stop from spazzing out like she did back in 07. I know someone who met Britney that said she was nice but medicated.

    But again only when mi’s ego is ready to face itself.

    1. ^thank you for also being transparent normie.

      i think when people have mental issues,
      it comes in two forms.
      those who are functioning and others who need help.
      i suffer from depression and anxiety but that doesn’t stop me from getting up and doing my thing.
      mi isn’t like that and spends her days self medicating in hopes of that helping her.
      add that on with her need to kill herself is really emotionally taxing if she isn’t trying to take her meds and stabilize herself.

      the foxhole doesn’t know half the things we have all dealt with when it came to mi.
      i even said to myself,
      and it hurt me to say it,
      but i asked myself if she killed herself,
      would that take her out of her pain?
      i don’t want that for her,
      because i still try to remain optimistic,
      but she needs a lot of help and she won’t make the effort to stick with it.

      1. Mental illness is real. I know for men a lot of mental disorders develop in their 20s. I have a brother who is sczophrenic. We are estraged for a few years now, but when we were in contact he would always have a problem of cycling off meds. I think for him, he would feel fine (because of the meds) and think I don’t need meds anymore and get off them.

        For bipolor people they feel so intensely (mania and drepression) and the meds make them monotone so they hardly feel at all. A lot would rather feel something then be in a cloud of numbness not realizing the dangers of getting off of their meds.

        1. ^and that is my sisters biggest issue.
          every time she has an issue,
          i her so emotionally drained.
          my friends urged me to stop taking her issues in.
          i would always call them,
          either crying or frustrated,
          because of something else she did.
          i had to put the family that constantly calls me to tell me what she done did on block.
          it was getting to be too much.

          tbh,
          i didn’t know how she was gonna react when i told her i’m good on where we stand.
          she erased her ig shortly after.
          who knows if she even saw the message.

          1. it’s hard to cut off a family member, but you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself self first … so to speak. I don’t think you can ever truly feel at peace for walking away, but it truly is the best decision for your own mental health.
            I know I sometimes think about my brother and just feel sad and guilty, even though I wouldn’t change my decision. he will always be my blood I love and miss him. it’s almost like moving on after an amputation.

          2. ^this is how i feel tbh.
            there are times i cry because we are so distant,
            but for my mental health and peace,
            i cant do it any longer.
            one minute she is good and then next she is spiraling and causing full blown scenes in public.
            the last scene she had she was calling our mother a whore and was saying that i tried to rape her.
            i’m like naaaaaaaaaaaah i can’t do that anymore.
            she is also really manipulative and dangerous too.
            damn near lied to her family about me,
            but turning around trying to reconnect?
            i know it’s the disease talking but i’m good.

  5. that sounds so much like my brother in the early 2000s. he would accuse my mother of all sorts of things. it was so hard for her, but she has a soft spot for him (it’s her son) . she feels guilty because he was a mess when he was younger and she had to kick him out (I think he was 18 but I don’t remember. he is several years older than me). I think my mom feels responsible for the way he ended up. family is complicated and mental health issues just makes it worse.

    1. ^ your brother and my sister sound very similar.

      my situation is really complicated because it has so many underlying factors i will share in future entries.
      there is a lot when it comes to my sister that has happened.

      1. same, there is a history of abuse from him, which is the main reason everyone but my mom has cut him off.
        they seem cut from the same cloth. he was so beautiful when he was in early twenties, and the last time I saw him he had deteriorated so much. his teeth were pretty bad and he had gained a lot of weight. it seemed like he was trying to keep himself together, but he is so off and unpredictable. well that’s enough of my sob story.
        thank you for attending my Ted talk

  6. Hi Jamari. Thanks for unloading. My mother is bipolar. She has had two episodes but I was there and was able to get her treatment both times. She is an amazing woman and mother — raising two sons alone and getting us both through college. She just lives with a mental illness. She has done well in life and goes to therapy, which helps tremendously. She also volunteers a lot — she finds when she helps others it helps her not to get fixated on herself.

    You have done the right thing with Mi. You have to self-care. You have to put up boundaries so her problems do not become yours. Just pray and hope she gets the help she needs. When it is time to reconnect it will happen.

    God Bless you on your journey. And God Bless Mi, too!

    1. ^thank you immanuel.
      thank you for being transparent about your mother.
      i like that you said when she helps others,
      she isn’t fixated on herself.
      i tried to do the same with my sister but she isn’t ready.
      i hope one day to reconnect with her,
      but she has to show tremendous change and growth from who she is and was.

      thanks again for the support and well wishes.

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