The Pain Behind The Happy Fox’s Eyes

No one truly knows the pain that can go on behind Foxes eyes.

This is dedicated to my Foxes out there in the struggle…

I am a proud Fox, but I am in constant battle within myself.
I am not scared to be honest because honesty is always the best policy around dese parts.
Trust me when I say though that I have been all 4 of these issues:

Sometimes, we have no one to talk too.
Sometimes, we have so much hurt that we do not want to talk at all.
Some of us have been used as sexual playthings to satisfy the desire of unsure Wolves.
While others have never been touched and dream of being rescued from our lonely dens.

Which Fox are you?

No one knows what it is like to live as a Fox in this world today.
We are forced to be strong because society already deems “us” as weak.
We see the Jackals living it up and we want to be as ruthless as them.
We look at the Vixens and think they have it all.
Wolves like to run through us in packs and then leave us high and dry for the next Fox.
Do not get me started on the Wolves we want…that are straight.
I always equate that as a slow torture.
How many times have we walked out the door and see this:


…and realize THAT may not even be checking for us?
THAT maybe checking for an ungrateful Vixen or if he happens to be in the lifestyle:

Want a similar type of body model
Conceited as all get out
Boring as all get out
Jump Offed as all get out
or worse, wants exactly what we are looking for… as all get out.

We fall for that type and waste many days and nights because it isn’t for us.
We latch onto straight Wolves because we claim we got a “hint” or a “clue“,
but we have to wonder….
was it just him being friendly and treating us like how dudes are suppose too?

It makes the pain of being a Fox even more real.
No one understands because we have no one to tell it too.
We live private lives and hope for that one day… that one time…
You can run in the Foxhole and leave a paragraph on your woes in the comment section and wait patiently until one of the fam leave you a comment that relates with your issue,
Once you turn the computer off and return back to the real world, you are forced to see the pain staring right back at you.
Some Foxes are not strong enough and are easily broken down.
I have seen many a Fox turn to drinking, drugging, and being some Wolves cum bucket due to depression.
Or even worse, turn to suicide because they had no more questions they felt were worth answering.

It is all too real with a constant question mark at the end of it.

We can read self-help books and do all the things to find the love for ourselves.
Go to a therapist and talk about our issues for 250 an hour.
But at the end of the day, the real thing we want and desire is love.
Being alone is one of the scariest things we have to face as the years go on.
I had to stop and wonder…

Will loving yourself really stop the pain?

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

25 thoughts on “The Pain Behind The Happy Fox’s Eyes”

  1. The answer to your question is, yes. All of the thing you listed are all in your head. However, you’re thoughts and feelings in this post are very much a reality for lots of us. Don’t think the sun rises and sets on men because it is us making them the center of the universe. I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t be with a man that makes you happy, but you should have the power to be happy independently of him. Using someone else to feel something you can’t feel yourself isn’t the best way to go obviously. It will never be enough and you’ll soon become dependent on them. Sort of like a drug.

    This is the part where someone chimes in and say something like “you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself first.” I’m sure many of us know this. But being single shouldn’t be regarded as that miserable time that you pass in between relationships, as you’re likely to end up miserable with a man, which sort of defeats the purpose. Anything to do with dating and relationships that’s powered by fear is an absolute recipe for disaster.

    Perhaps a starting point be to find someone out in the “real world” to talk to about it? I have friends who I can tell anything to who more than likely feel the same way. We vent. Come up with practical solutions and go from there.

    1. Beautiful Vain! Beautiful! Just like Christina’s song, we are beautiful no matter what they say. Words can’t bring us down. No! So don’t let em bring you down..

      1. Well thank you! I was just expressing myself and would like to read other’s input.

        But i do wonder if part of the solution is finding meaningful friendships first with fellow foxes/ wolves? How would everyone describe the friendships they have at the moment?

    2. How do you differentiate being unhappy with yourself internally from just being unhappy being alone though? Isn’t it only natural to strongly desire companionship and intimacy?

      I mean being content with being single for a while is one thing, but I hate when ppl (guys especially) act like they don’t care if they ever find someone. I call bullshit, they’re hugging pillows tight just like everyone else at night.

      Did that make sense?

      1. Yes it makes sense.

        When you are unhappy with yourself internally, you’ll find any evidence to degrade yourself from all types of areas in life: body type, masculinity, speech, intelligence, attractiveness, financial status etc. Being unhappy alone is just a part of the evidence to support internal unhappiness. Ever stop and notice how many people are involved in a toxic relationships, but just appear happy on the surface?

        It is natural to desire companionship and intimacy, it is unnatural to desire those things when they are not present within already. Like attracts like. No matter how a person appears on the outside, your emotional well-being, emotional state is that magnetic thing that pulls and repels a person to and from you. Think about all the physically attractive people with low self-esteem and low self images, dig deep enough and you’ll see they never have healthy relationships because people just want them for their bodies and never for themselves alone—good enough to fuck, but not good enough to know intimately.

        If a person is emotionally unavailable they have no choice but to attract others who are emotionally unavailable.

  2. I don’t comment often on blogs, but I have followed Vain for a little over a year and this blog for a few months. Vain, you are wise beyond your years and very practical. Your response was dead one.
    I will say this, it is very difficult these days, not impossible, but difficult to build and maintain genuine relationships, as most people start off with some sort of agenda. It takes more time now a days to cut through the facades, lies, deceit and lack of face to face social skills to find out what a person really wants, who a person really is and what the person wants with you. Most people can not stand to be alone with themselves, which I equate to a lack of esteem to a certain degree. Hell, if you don’t like to be alone with yourself, why would I want to be with you?

    People would rather socialize on the internet, pretending to be exactly what everyone thinks they should be to have as many followers, ‘friends’, ‘buddies, etc. All the while, losing who they are in the process. For ex.. I see many people on facebook for ex.(is this the new way to hook up? all these half naked photos and constant updates to see how many people like, comment is all for attention). Now when i decide to go out on a date, people are always like, you sexy, you cute, let me check my phone, let me tweet……..no social skills, can’t hold a conversation, distracted by the next thing that walk by… and wonder why no one is interested in them, but for a second.)

    I say stop settling and giving away pieces of you to individuals who don’t want all of you. People who don’t respect your time for more than what they can get from you at the moment. Most people can detect desperation and then they either choose to not deal with it or they prey on it.

    1. Aw, Thanks Anthony! I didn’t know i had people who follow my blog outside of the few who comment.

      So I feel as though you’re saying the issue has a lot to do with this increase in the dependence on social media for interaction. If that’s the case then I do agree. But do you feel this increase is a RESPONSE TO or RESPONSIBLE FOR the lack of esteem and human connections that seems to be pervasive within our lifestyle? I guess I’m asking which of these came first?

      1. i know it wasn’t directed to me but…

        i feel people are TOO dependent on social media.
        to the point, EVERYTHING has to be tweeted, statused, and blogged.
        no one knows how to interact anymore.
        you call a wolf, no answer, but he can TEXT your brains out.
        people are literally ADDICTED to twitter and facebook.

        we live in a digital age and that is fine, but people have forgotten how to be human.
        they depend on people’s default pictures as their guides..
        ..and then get angry when the image doesn’t fit the reality.

        it is pathetic.

    2. i really appreicate this comment anthony.
      thank you for checkin me out… when i am a emotional mess and making sense.
      lol

      you touched on something that really got me:

      “Most people can detect desperation and then they either choose to not deal with it or they prey on it.”

      good read.

  3. UrSoVain :

    Well thank you! I was just expressing myself and would like to read other’s input.

    But i do wonder if part of the solution is finding meaningful friendships first with fellow foxes/ wolves? How would everyone describe the friendships they have at the moment?

    i have like two in the fox/fox friendship.
    everytime i try to meet a wolf or a fox,
    it is jealousy or them interested in more than what i am capable of giving.
    it is always a hidden agenda or i find out it wasn’t really a true friendship anyway.

    it is hard to meet people these days because everyone seems to want something out of you.
    when they get it,
    or they don’t,
    you are basically used up and tossed to the side.

    this is why the importance of self discovery is key because you have to fight these battles alone.

    1. My fox/fox friendships aren’t like that strangely? I usually have no problem meeting and getting along with them. Typically because I’m myself upfront and they get the whole of who i am. I’m pretty good and detecting the one’s who aren’t worth my time. My gut reaction tells me something is wrong and i often don’t engage. So not everyone turned into a budding, life-long relationship but they weren’t meaningless either.

      What do you mean by the being interested in more than you can give? What hidden agendas are you coming across?

      1. i have no issue meeting people.
        people tend to latch onto me and want me to be their friend.
        they start to emulate things i do and try to become a mini me.
        my issue is they start to become envious and jealous of me.
        when i meet someone else, they feel threatened.
        i give my all in my friendships and believe in loyalty,

        wolves have tried to be my friends and they secretly want to fuck me.
        some foxes (or hybrids) end up trying to fuck me and then get mad when i pursue someone who i want to fuck.
        foxes have gotten jealous over my attention or their wolf was flirting with me.

        it is like i live the life of a “pretty vixen”.

        i have a lot of friendships with straight people unfortunately.
        they can’t help me because i do not involve that part of my life with them.

        it is a wholebunchofmess.org.

  4. Which Fox are you? None of them now, but I used to be.

    Will loving yourself really stop the pain? Yes it will.

    Being alone isn’t the scariest thing, being lonely is much much worse. Being surrounded by people you really don’t know, don’t even like, but tolerate them because you don’t care enough about yourself to want or even know any better. That’s a much more scarier fate than literally being alone.

    Therapy worked in my case, I was 13 when I went to therapy and learned all about how to stop the “stinking thinking”; the destructive thought patterns replayed over and over in your mind that later become your reality.

    My issue has never been dealing with being gay, grew up in a loving and supporting household, but I was raped by a family friend’s son and had multiple attempted rapes from football players in high school which led me drop out of school altogether.

    I just felt for a long time that if I were to sleep with men who I was genuinely attracted to, but reminded me of the rapists, I was “sleeping with the enemy” and this thinking fueled my depression for the longest time.

    Oftentimes gay men are attracted to their oppressors or abusers. Those same guys that called you a faggot and humiliated you growing up now become the object of your affection or how you mother or father verbally/physically abused you, you end up seeking that in a partner until you recognize those patterns and consciously stop them in their tracks.

    Once I stopped looking for validation and emotional connections with those who do not have the capacity to reciprocate AND learned that there is absolutely no one coming to save me from my own life–everything in my life, most importantly how I treated myself, changed.

  5. does anyone who comments realize what they are doing?
    they are creating blessings for themselves because they are helping others.
    i am so grateful for each and everyone of you who comment and support.
    even if you do not agree with ANYTHING I say and you have to put me in check…

    … know i am listening and i appreciate it.

  6. Jamari, you dont even know the half of how much this blog helps, when I first discovered this blog, I am almost sure it was because of some fine man that was posted, but now I find myself reading the comments, for support. About 6months ago I started on a journey of getting back in shape, it was purely for vanity as this lifestyle can be shallow and the physical is always placed above anything else. Well so far, I have lost 30lbs, gained muscle, a new attitude about healthy living and exercise, but it has come with a price. My homeboy who I was working out with started acting strangely when my body started changing, he has a banging body and whenever we hang out no less than 5-10 boys try to hit on him, I actually started being able to lift more than him and now he makes excuses about us working out together and almost seems to be a little jealous now that I am now turning heads like him. This really hurt me as he was an inspiration for me to get back in shape, and I have always been so supportive of him. My other gay homeboys all seem a little distant as well and make little comments, believe it or not, my str8 homeboys are the one who have really been cool and supportive, but I only go so far with my life with them, you just think your ride or die boys would be in your corner when you do something positive.

    Another issues that has popped up is the attention from hot men who used to really pay me none and all the females who try to hit on me, it feels good in one sense, but it makes me a little uncomfortable in another sense. I realize that you have to be careful of what you ask for because you might not be ready when you get it.

    1. ^tajan I feel you.

      that is the issue I face: jealousy.

      now I know it may come off like we are being silly or unreasonable but this is not the case.

      in your case, he has become jealous because i feel since he has to now share the spotlight with you, he cannot stand it. he was use to you being a certain way. my motto: get over it or get gone.

      worry about building your brand tajan.

      now why does all the attention make you uncomfortable? I notice a ton of guys who start working out and become solid get nervous at the attention they receive. I even notice them being apprehensive to take off their shirts in public.

      maybe that is a good entry in the works…

      1. Hey I think its because you go so long without this attention, your mind still thinks that you look a certain way, and as silly as it seems I am wondering why are they paying me attention, it took me a long time to see that I had changed, in my mind I still looked the same, its weird but everybody saw the changes but me. I know that my mental has not caught up with my physical, doing some soul searching in part thanks to this blog, I realize that I have let a couple of men I have dealt with define me. I took their comments and rejection to heart and created in my mind that something was wrong with me, when in fact something was wrong with them. As I stated in a previous post, I am trying to get to a new place but it takes lots of work and reading these comments I see we are all works in progress, some are in better places than others, but is easier to deal with these issues when you know you are not alone in the struggle.

        P.S. I dont think I would have the nerve to ever take my shirt off in public, LOL, maybe at a beach or public pool.

        1. i am so glad my site helps you.
          it has helped me grow tremendously and it has a lot to do with the comments and connections made.

          i can see your point.
          i feel other guys who work out and change their physically feel the same.
          others can get very cocky and you can tell they are also putting on a front.

          i realized these days that everything starts in the mind.
          like does really attract lie and you are a magnet.
          you attract all your wolves, foxes, and circumstances.
          my way of thinking was expecting a friend to betray me and it usually happened.

          so it is time for a new mental path!

  7. @Vain no problem, your thought process and attention to a person’s character is what always bring me to your blog. When I say a lot of the things that you eloquently write, I am considered a mean ass. LOL. But to answer your question, it is both a response to and responsible for the lack of self esteem. This way, one can create a facade and hide behind technology without that face to face, voice to voice time. When involved in face to face interaction, a lot of these individuals can not complete a sentence let alone talk about damn Beyonce, LIL Wayne, Drake , Nikki Minaj or what it is they are looking for in a mate. Hell, they can barely communicate the fact that they just wanna have sex, all the while saying that they can never find anyone to be in a relationship with. Much Love Vain

    @Fox. Your blog is very entertaining and a way for you to vent, express yourself and in a way,sometimes confirm that you are not the only one that experience what you experience. I get the impression that you are not only intellectual, but a go getter. It’s just that a lot of times when things do not go our way, we start internalizing. While this is healthy, one must always know what it is that we are looking for, capable of providing and what we NEED as opposed to what we want. This way when all the emotions get involved to cloud judgment, we have a foundation that should be steadfast that keeps us grounded. As long as you have control over your emotions, knowing when to be sad, mad, grieve, be happy, not give a damn, etc, you will always be alright in my book. Much Love Fox

    1. thank u anthony.
      I really appreciate your comment!
      I have my moments,
      but I try not to dwell in them to long.
      i know 1 day everything I am looking for will manifest so ima enjoy the tough times for they help build character…

      … and make for good entries.
      lol

  8. I just wanted to say that social media is the culprit coupled with low self esteem. Everyone is trying to be a replica of what society wants. I just happened to subscribe to this blog by accident but loved it’s content so much I cashapp’d the creator only to have it expire. I see now you set up a different cash app. I’m not sure of the terminology of wolf, Fox and all that but this becomes an outlet to learn what other people are experiencing. I have social media that brands ie Instagram sprinkled with some of my everyday moments. My Facebook is strictly family and friends.

    I think many people want the illusion of what love looks like instead of putting in the work. Everything is so instant that people lack patience and integrity. I’ll check out Vain’s blog too because I really hate the gay sites that’s all about hook ups–not judging! I ran into a guy I was interested in more than 12 years ago on Instagram. I was excited to see him because our connection was incredible….that was until I started seeing Tumblr naked pics and him jokingly saying I was sliding in his DMs. Where do we really find good hearted people to love without the extra stuff. Thank you for giving me a place to express my gay my way.

If you wouldn't say it on live TV with all your family and friends watching, without getting canceled or locked up, don't say it on here. Stay on topic, no SPAM, and keep it respectful. Thanks!

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