The Beautiful and The Damned (or Both)

tumblr_ob6pa3wh8b1rkdo1zo1_500i love beautiful things.
i’m attracted to the finer things in life.
it could be from my home to what i put in my mouth.
speaking of things i like to put into my mouth

i also love beautiful wolves.
it’s not just with looks.
well,
that’s a good chunk of it.
i ain’t gonna lie.
i love a whole package of beautiful when it comes to a wolf.

physically
spirituality
mentally
emotionally

a few years ago,
it was easier to meet wolves that i was attracted to.
all you had to do was make a profile on “a4a” or “bbc” and it was on.
listen i’ve had some beautiful meat in me because of those sites.

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it was simple back then.
the problem now is it seems all the wolves i’m attracted to are hoes.
they sleeping around for a paycheck and flex zoning in the gym for a thousand likes.
it’s like they are cool with being passed around to the highest bidder.
it also made them stupid lazy and relaxing in pipe dreams.

i might be weird,
but i actually want to talk and get to know the wolf.
being friends first is very important to me.
nowadays,
texting is one or two sentences.
anything that requires anyone to read is off limits.
most of these wolves,
beautiful or not,
don’t have a personality anymore.
it’s all about selfies and status; sexting and spending.
if you’re willing to spend on them,
then they will be up on your face.
if not,
there is always someone who will.

 The dating world become one giant strip club

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if you don’t “look” a certain way,
you won’t get any attention.
so you have to resort in paying your way for a good time.
you know relationships based on that last a long time.
/endsarcasm

meeting someone new is a mess nowadays.
a majority of the ones i’m attracted to are “straight”.
the ones who are discreet play too many games or in long term relationships.
it’s getting bleak.
everyone is “savage life” or “hard to get”.
it’s becoming trendy to be a sociopath and hurt others.
you can’t believe the number of wolves out here who expect you to chase them.
they actually want you to get in line and chase them all over the city.
80/20 rule?
so where do i stand with the 10 others they’re talking to?
the 5 others who are dropping bread for a good time?
and what if i do all this chasing,
ass-ume i’m in the lead,
and get deaded in the end?
these wolves want you to:

chase them
pay their bills
take them out
still have your cake
eat it too

…and then repeat with someone else the next day.
when i’m out here,
trying to create a beautiful life for myself,
i often aim high.
i work hard to get what i want.
so when i see a wolf i’m attracted to,
no matter how good he looks,
i carry on the same mentality into looking for a mate.
why settle?
so i had to wonder…

How do you do this “dating thing” in a high key narcissistic and social media flex zone?

…because i’m lost.

lowkey: in some twisted way,
some wolves are feeling the same way too.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

32 thoughts on “The Beautiful and The Damned (or Both)

  1. JAMARI! You just spoke the sentiments of my heart. I’m so dazed and confused when it comes to dating. I live in the ATL, so the chances of finding a nice looking guy are good. BUT, is he a hoe, on Backpage (or some other app), confused about his sexuality, talking to someone, too discrete to flirt, or STARIGHT? God forbid… I’m just going to stay on my knees (pause) and pray that God sends me who I need. All this other fuckery is for the birds.

  2. I’m like you though, J. I need to get to know someone before fuckin’ with them.
    I’ve dealt with too many nutjobs in the past to just go in casually anymore. Now I’m gonna need to get to know you a whole lot better. If not, I’ll just keep it moving.

    1. ^its like you can’t have a simple conversation anymore.
      everyone want you to send a damn nude.
      that’s like the golden ticket before a conversation.
      i don’t send nudes,
      and don’t send them to me,
      so ive x’d myself out of a few time slots lol

  3. “Oh my god”, I use to be scared of Adam for Adam with all the porn ads made me think I was on a porn site. My first account was a surprised with so many Detroit man hitting me up and with some of the most unexpected images and messages I had to cancel it. I still wonder if anyone still uses as you quote “BBC”, or the British Broadcast Company, ha.ha. BGC was my site looking for my future husband only to be empty handed. Jack’d has seemed to gain the BGC audience, and I still see those persona fake profile that just irks me. I like the eye candy men of Grindr and Scruff but there just for hook ups and I had to terminated those acc as well. I dearly miss Dlisted and Connexion website where I gained allot of social friends, but those sites are long gone. Well my advice, go shopping during rush hours 6 or 7pm. I met on many produce isles potentials, Dls, as well people I dated of the past.

    1. Funny you should say that! I’ve been cruised in the grocery store several times.
      One dude, who I will say had to be a mix of Italian and Puerto Rican kept following me around the store. I thought I was imagining it, then I did a little test, and sure enough he ended up in the aisle. He never said anything, and when I said wassup to him, he just smirked. I was in the checkout line with my brother and he came to the next line over, and maintained eye contact with a smirk. As he left he looked back casually to see if I was looking…and I was. Whenever I’m alone nothing like that happens, but whenever I’m with someone..I get hit on or cruised.

  4. To be honest I think my main problem is just getting feelings of crushes on people I can’t have. like you majority of the guys I’ve been attracted to are straight and they have varied from good-looking muscular to ordinary. I have gotten mostly curious straight guys who have a connection with me that’s not just friendship and get scared by that connection and back off or try stuff with me and can’t wrap their heads around it and then back off.

    I can’t help liking what I like and I feel like if I don’t make a change or something happen this cycle Is just going to continue over and over again. it’s a little difficult when you’re a guy like me who’s not part of the scene, who’s fem, insecure and doesn’t have a fat butt or six pack lol

  5. I think the challenge is that we all are shallow and superficial on some levels…It can range from low to high but if us foxes and even some hybrids are at a particular level, then we WANT and DESERVE that IG quality man looks wise. What we crave IG wise, they broke ass hell or confused about their status.

    I want a relationship but I want to fuck too but if I could get a homie lover hybrid, I would be straight 😀

  6. I agree J. Don’t change. Good dudes exist. They’ll find you….in the meantime Get in the gym. Start eating right. Get a hobby. Go someplace you’ve never been. GET OFF THOSE APPS!! Learn to make conversation and forge face to face interactions. Learn to enjoy the life you’ve been given while being by yourself for a while. Thank God that you are in good health, employed, and in your right mind. It gets better man. I promise. Hang in there.

  7. I’m really not one to judge because I struggle in this life a lot with dating. I don’t date, I don’t have that “look” so I wouldn’t even have the confidence to put myself on those apps even if I wanted to. I don’t know how to approach a guy, and honestly, I don’t feel attractive enough to do so…

    Anyway, the problem with a lot of people, is is their expectations. Why do you need an “IG” dude? Why can’t it be an average guy? Why does he always have to be “masculine”? Do we even know what that means? I really don’t think people even understand what they mean when they say that. No one questions it, or themselves, and that’s where the problems lie. You can’t expect him to be FINE AND have a great personality, they don’t exist, and if they do, you’re probably sharing him, or he’s broke, dumb, drugged out etc. pick your poison. NO ONE IS PERFECT!

    Honestly, I like muscular men, but I also like a surprising array of men and the ones that kept my attention were the ones who were intelligent, had morals, and a good outlook on life. None of them were muscular. Sure, attraction is important, but I feel it’s time that we re-evaluate what that means, instead of projecting and reproducing the pain of “lack” on the majority of “us” who don’t “measure up” in some way, shape or form. Think about what that does to people when the only man that’s acceptable is the SAME archetype? over and over again! can we say: Yawn? We understand how hard it is for us but won’t even look at a fellow brother who is ” too feminine this” or “doesn’t have a six pack that”, or isn’t “masculine”. This may sound harsh, but if you take that stance, than what can you expect? You should be held at the same standard. It’s not like many of us are in a position to be that choosy, c’mon now. I keep noticing how when people describe themselves online, the first thing they say about themselves, is “I’m attractive” or something of the sort. To me, that would be a red flag about how someone values their self worth, and it says plenty about you that you might not have wanted to have given away about yourself, it’s good to have confidence, which I’m all for, but there is a fine line… but I’ll leave that alone for now.

    I’m much more willing to accept and love you if we can talk like we’ve known each other since birth. we can make each other laugh, and make each other feel better about our struggles and insecurities, because especially as gay/bi men, we all have them, and we’re all struggling out here (well maybe not ALL, but you know what I mean). I want love, doesn’t have to be romantic, in love stuff, just healthy love. That’s all I want.

    Super sexy muscles with an attitude? Won’t even look twice. I feel like I’m the only millennial that doesn’t have an IG stalking other people and their lives. I’d rather spend that time making something out of my life without having to take pictures for validation or live vicariously through someone else’s glass house of insecurities. No thanks. Social media is toxic and has reinforced many of the negative stereotypes about what it means to be attractive, and successful, especially as Black gay/bi men… We need to start by treating each other better, and having healthier mentalities. Maybe then the right person will show up, but who am I to speak, I have no one lol, but that’s the stance I take. I REFUSE to be shallow!

    1. ^^^ this! Give me a guy with an average body and looks who gets my sense of humor, encourages me to be better, truly cares about me and values my mind. We’ve been so over saturated with the idea that these IG muscle boys are what we should want. Frankly I find most of them boring and basic.

      1. I’m really glad there are like-minded brothers out there! I love the “encourages me to be better”. That’s so beautiful man. That’s what I love to hear!

        We can’t keep looking at these muscle “knights” to be our salvation. Can I get a brain please?, Some respect? I’m also working on myself so I can offer these same values. It’s time we look PAST the conditioning of the media!

        They are SO boring and basic, you’re def right about that. If they offer more, I’m all ears. I really do believe that we won’t get anywhere until we ourselves learn to be better. All this muscle praising is doing more damage than good, because it simultaneously reduces those who don’t fit that image. I’d rather help lift up those who don’t feel adequate. That’s more valuable to me, I know all too well how that feels…

    2. ^Dignified you should have did a mic drop after that, it was that on point . This really made me hold the mirror up to myself and think.

    3. Wow Dignified this comment really touched me this morning because you have drop truth bombs that we all as Gay men need to hear. We have been conditioned to be shallow, and it has slowly kept most of us from finding any meaningful relationships. Throw in social media and we fall even lower. It is so easy in our community to fall for pretty boys with muscles. I have seen friends of mine who are professional dudes with advance degrees fall for thugs who drained their bank accounts and self esteem because they had banging bodies or good D, never mind that these dudes are no where near their level in anything but I have found in Black Gay World it does not matter how good of a person you are, or how much education you have, if you have a banging body and Big Penis you have a calling card that gets you access to another world.

      As someone who has made a major body transformation, not close to a Foxhole feature LoL, but I can now see the world from the other side and how dudes stay in your Inbox or DM’s trying to get with you or dudes who never had the time of day for you, now wanna take you out or get your number. Even with muscles it is still hard to find a decent dude like you described. I recently found love after many years to a low key quiet regular dude who just goes to the gym for his health, not for muscles but he accepts all the good and bad about me and that is worth more than having a pretty boy on my arm. It feels good to be his pretty boy.

      Speaking of the IG pretty boys who we all love and lust after, I follow many of them on IG and I have come to the conclusion that if their lives are anything like what they share with us, it is an empty life. How many times can you make chicken breast with your favorite sponsored “Flavor God” seasoning, or show us your Abs are still on Fleek with a daily shirtless pic. So many of them have pimped themselves out trying to remain relevant that you realize that they are better off being a fantasy and somebody else real life problem. The Drama that comes along with dating one of these IG famous Busta’s is probably too much for most of us to deal with especially if we are trying to make a life of our own. Looks are gonna fade for us all as we age, it is going to be the ones who see our hearts and not our muscles who we need to be trying to get with.

      1. Wow! I’m quite speechless at what you said Tajan. I’ve noticed that too with these IG male model dudes. They have pimped themselves out and when it comes time to settle down, they won’t do that. As many times I’ve lusted after these “dreamhunks,” none of them are actually my type. I prefer men who have meat on their bones and have a bit of a belly on them. Also, he can be a handsome fellow who works hard and makes a honest living.

    4. I just shouted like a virgin climaxing for the first time. If had a heart, I might be in love with you lol.

      I honestly think being immersed in gay men is a likely to turn the sensible man off from love.

      You have legions of men demanding the all these things in a partner as if they are perfect.

      There’s no such thing as unconditional love. I can’t see any of these men taking care of their partner if they were in some horrible accident and ended up paralyzed or disfigured. Shit, some of yall are so cold ya’ll would be smashing other dudes in the house with him there.

      Having a job and a place to stay or even a car is not something you should list for why you’re a catch. That doesn’t speak to your ability as a good person. Plenty of people are sacrificing all three to pursue their dreams and it will pay off later.

      Gay men always list some physical attribute as their primary selling point, because essentially its all they really value. They’d rather play games with men they find attractive but will never settle down with them, than build with anyone else they deem too “common”.

      I’m attractive to some degree, but if you asked me about myself I probably wouldn’t even list that quality. I’d say smart, funny, sarcastic, introvert, and a whole host of other things.

      Furthermore, all these dudes in the gym with nice bodies and posting shirtless pics on Instagram are SINGLE and on Instagram all day seeking validation because its the only affect they get.

      In any event, I feel like both our comments won’t really register with most, but I had to get it out.

      1. @Jay…most of them posing in those cars, homes probably don’t even own them. I’m willing to bet 99.9% don’t have those fancy cars and/or live in those fancy homes/apartments. Those are props, and if you look really closely at their pics, you will see it’s all an act. We know that for most of them, IG and Twitter are their world, and if you took it away…most would probably fall apart. Attentionistos/attentionistas derive their self worth from the admiration that they are given. Take it away and they feel worthless. How many times a day do you have to post a video of yourself walking, singing a song, showing your ass/abs/bulge, or admiring yourself in the mirror? It’s a bit sad when you really think about it.

    5. Wow! I love all of you guys. You guys are amazing. I wish I could meet you guys. You guys really do get it. I’m really glad I’m not the only one. I thought I might have been crazy posting what I did. Damn, why can’t we be the majority. We could do some serious damage to these social constructs.

  8. Maybe its your vanity and preference for a certain bodytype thats keeping you single. It always amazes me when I hear guys complain about not having a proper dating pool when their preferences are so shallow. Most guys want the prerequisite hardbody type, then pray everything else falls into place. I doesn’t work that way. Who you desire and who you need are often times, not the same person. Of all the comments, I didn’t read any one of them that mentioned maybe dating someone who isn’t built like a spartan, someone who is more personality than pectorals.

  9. I came out in my 40s and had no problems dating and getting sex. And forming relationships. Jamari you and many of your readers are much younger. As you mature it will get better. Also realize you are not perfect so stop expecting your mate to be perfect. Perection doesn’t exist and if it did this world would be a boring place.

  10. Just to clarify, nothing is directed at Jamari. I don’t know your dating history or the type of men you entertain in real life to make that judgement. Of course you’re going to post attractive men on here.

    1. You’re right! I forgot to mention that! We weren’t directing this at Jamari. It was a more “general” criticism. Hell, I’ll be honest, I’ve fallen victim to the same things that I was critical about in the past, but I KNOW there is more out there than just the physical. It’s something we ALL need to hear!

  11. I’m not finished yet!

    Look, I get a fair amount of bottoms that try to shoot their shot, even though I clearly state I’m not looking for casual sex or a relationship.

    My mom raised me right so I speak back and I might even give them my alternate phone number on dingtone to text me.

    Guys. Please don’t text a man you’re supposed to be into and have nothing of substance to talk about. I even try to talk about important stuff like career aspirations and just yesterday I randomly brought up I was looking for a house. Prime opening to have a good discussion. Nope. He sends a text back saying “come over and give me some lovin'”

    What in the Isley Brothers hell?!

    Needless to say he got curved. Don’t be this guy! Flirting is cool, but if you have no substance or interesting talking points outside of sex, Beyoncé, or how everyone is a bottom you won’t attract anyone with substance.

  12. What I don’t get is alot of us have these long list of Criteria that we say we deserve in a mate and use the phrase “I don’t feel I should settle for anything less”. Typically focused on physical and monetary attributes, throwing in good personality at the end. Yet as soon as we spot a dude who fans the flames of desire we turn into demure southern antibellum ladies who sit in silence hoping for a glance in our direction as he walks by. We bat our lashes and heave our chest to gain a tiny morsel of his attention yet if we lock eyes for an instant, we turn away as if uninterested, metaphorically speaking.
    How can you have a list of critera you expect in a mate yet don’t put forth any effort towards obtaining him? If you don’t go out and approach these guys or give a clear signal your interested in them “that way”, and not as a good buddy who may realize years later he’s into you sexually but he’s still confused about it. You will never gain the interest of anyone who fits your criteria. You cant wait to be chosen by them. Go out and meet like minded individuals who are into the same gender as you are. It’s about to be 2017. It’s ok to ask an attractive person what their gender preference is. Gay people do walk among us. You have to risk loosing to gain any type of reward. If you don’t go after what you want believe me BlowJob Billy, with the good hair, will twist on up and take everything you been sitting around waiting to fall in to your lap.

  13. I thoroughly enjoyed reading these comments, you guys preached. This is the exact reason why I love coming here, you’ll spoke some tough truths that I needed to read.

  14. Honestly my type is guys who look like me. So I can fairly say that I offer EVERYTHING that I ask for in a man physically. Tall and muscular/athletic. And a bonus if he is brown & circumcized (like me lol) BUT that is not set in stone! I’ve said before that is my type when it comes down to sex but I can’t choose who I end up being in love with so I’m not that guy that shuts anyone out who doesn’t necessarily fall into that box. I’d say that I’m pretty open minded for my age.

    Also I don’t like making people feel bad about themselves because they don’t look a certain way unlike a lot of gay men. Some of y’all need to remember that these “fats/fems/oldies” etc. ARE people with FEELINGS too. Some of the shit I read is so assassin. I honestly ignore guys who say shit like that. I don’t care how good you look. You are in NO position to belittle somebody like that. Like who tf are you? Reality is going to slap a lot of these guys HARD in the face one day.

"off topic", trolling, and other nonsense gets sent to my spam folder. other than that, play nice and let's discuss!