The Suicide Attempt Meant To Kill (Mi)

i just got some fucked up news.
you ever got some news that made your whole world stop?
like,
everything started moving in slow motion?
well that is how i felt when i got the call mi tried to kill herself…

it’s almost like i foreshadowed this.
i was speaking to my home vixen about “13 reasons why” right before.
there has been a lot of suicides happening as of late too.
i mentioned how i cried when the parents discovered the lead character’s dead body.
after i hang up,
i’m looking at different stories to start for the foxole,
when i see a florida number calling me.
i don’t know any other florida numbers than those already in my phone.
there was a feeling in my spirit that it was regarding mi.
this older vixen was on the other end and she told me everything.
she put mi on,
who sounded her regular self,
but she told me why she did it.
it all started when she smoked some weed the other day.
apparently,
it activated darker thoughts than the usual.
that is when she realized she made a lot of mistakes and tried to end it.
whoever she is staying at called the ambulance.
mi is currently in the mental hospital over there.
she is sharing a room with 3 “crazy” people.
she wants to leave,
but they are gonna keep her for a few days.
i think it’s best she stays tbh.

i felt like such a hypocrite giving her a lecture.
it was like my own karma for when i was suicidal.
i had to tell her the same words others have had to told me.
during the convo,
i opted to be honest about my own struggles with suicide.
it was better than the:

“don’t kill yourself.
you have a lot to offer”

…schtick.
from everything she has admitted,
mi is very lost and needs to talk to someone.

i am in a state of shock right now.
i don’t know what else to say or font.
my body feels numb.
i’m scared for her tho.
this is what a brief convo i had with karaoke about it:

mi has burned so many bridges that no one gives af.
i hate that i do.

lowkey: one of my home vixens down there offered to go and check on her.
i gave the green light to that.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

16 thoughts on “The Suicide Attempt Meant To Kill (Mi)

  1. I’m sorry to hear that she attempted suicide. Aside from that, I think she is in the best place in her life. She literally has nothing to do but build and develop herself. No way but up. I look at everyone’s personal life as an equation. After all of the additions, subtractions, multiplications, and divisions, you stay in the game till the very end to see what it equals up to. I stay in the game to see the very end of my equation. I’ve never been good at math, but I see my final answer being a positive number.

  2. It really hurts my soul when I hear people make an ignorant statement like suicide is a selfish act.According to Suicide.org,suicide is NOT a selfish act”.It is an act of Desperation by someone in intense pain and wants that pain to stop.It is a Human response to extreme pain,not a selfish one.When we use terms like “selfish” we perpetuate the stigma of suicide”.People are less likely to seek help for suicidal thoughts if they believe they are being “selfish” for having those thoughts . Especially people who are suffering from mental illness.

    I thought about suicide years ago because the pain(grief from mother’s death) was so excruciating.The natural response to unbearable pain is to seek relief from that pain.Only a masochist enjoys pain so it’s not selfish to want the pain to stop.What I had to do is get help for dealing with that pain.People who are suffering need to know there are other ways beside death to stop the pain.

    1. ^i agree.
      karaoke is over mi so she has a lack of sympathy for her.
      i know how it felt when i tried to kill myself.
      it was to end the pain than be selfish.
      mi is probably in a better place at this mental hospital now.

    2. I would have to disagree on this one. You can put me amongst the ignorant. To a degree I agree with karaoke. I think people who attempt suicide are being selfish and forgetting about the people they are leaving behind. It destroys families, affects the behavior of those they leave behind, and they can get help BEFORE the act if they choose to open up to others or get some help. If it’s a stigma they’re worried about, then worry about the stigma associated with trying to get help than actually trying to kill yourself.

      It’s a mindset, and I think many people attempt suicide for attention, at least those who don’t fully go through with the act. I don’t know what to say for those who actually commit the act. Somewhere in their mindset they believe that they’d be better off being with the loved one who’s no longer here, or their family and friends would be better off if they were not here. Did they ask these people before they committed, or attempted to commit the act? Probably not. They just did it anyway.

      And just to clarify things, I’ve suffered the loss of a child, the death of my father and and grandparents back to back, the deaths of two nephews, and the death of my best friend. Those were all painful periods and I should’ve been a wreck. I was depressed, but never suicidal. I sought professional help because I realized that something wasn’t right.

      1. If you were never suicidal I am curious why you think you know what a person who has been suicidal feels.Being depressed is not the same as being suicidal.Every person experiences loss, grief, sadness,etc that is not the same as feeling suicidal.I have experienced depression several times in my life,after deaths,after being sexually abused,etc but I wasn’t suicidal.

        As for wanting attention I have had two family members kill themselves both talked about killing themselves to several people (not to me).One attempted to kill himself (shot himself in the head) but survived.People close to them thought they were just seeking attention.No they were crying for help.They are dead and the people who thought they were trying to get attention are dealing with the guilt of knowing they were crying for help and their cries were ignored.

        I pray you never get a call saying the person you “thought” just wanted attention was found hanging from a tree.Almost everyone who commits suicide talked about or attempted suicide before they finally were successful.
        When you are in that state of mind you are not thinking about your loved ones anymore than a drug addict is thinking about loved ones when they are injecting a needle or smoking meth or crack.So when I say not “selfish” I mean they are not deliberately trying to cause pain they are trying to ease their own emotional or physical pain.

      2. We can agree to disagree on this matter. I am aware that people experience loss and grief in different ways, and that it’s not the same as a person being suicidal.

        I’ve had my share of calls that have rocked me to the core. The call from my brother telling me our nephew was executed for breaking up a fight between his friend and another guy. Saw the guy’s friend come up behind him and shoot him in the head on video. Got a call from my uncle that his son, my cousin who I treated like my little brother from the moment he came home from the hospital, was shot and killed at a graduation party as part of a gang initiation. Looking in the eyes of a doctor as he tells you that your child is dead, stillborn.
        Getting the call from your mother that your dad is dead from cancer, that her mother was found dead on the bathroom floor of her house. That your grandfather died of a broken heart. A call from your aunt your other grandfather was found dead in bed. And a call from your brother that your other grandmother passed away. So I’ve had calls. Not related to suicide, but hard moments to deal with for sure.

        I’ve known people that have killed themselves. I knew one kid that jumped in front of a train back in high school. He had cocaine in his system though, but people at the station saw him jump in front of the train. I still believe those who say they’re going to do it then attempt and fail, are looking for attention. Those that go through with it, I can’t explain their actions. Maybe a study of their brain would be able to shed some light on that aspect.

  3. Life is definitely tough. Not only do you have to deal with the trials and tribulations that life throws at you, you also have to deal with miserable people who like to tear others down.

  4. Depression and mental illness is real. My brother and grandfather committed suicide. I used to think people were being selfish who committed suicide. But as I learned people do it for a number of reasons. 1. For some it is a scream for help. For many others it is…2. Feeling the world, family and friends truly are better off without them. In this state of mind this is hardly selfish. 3. They have gotten to a,deep dark place that they can’t see any other way. Truth be told they internalize every event, action and thought as something terrible they have caused or others unknowingly put them in that plaxe through belittling or killing their self esteem.

    We need to educate ourselves and not condemn people because truth be told most people have thought about suicide at least once in their life but someone or something gave them validation and a,sense of self worth until they found it within themselves

  5. I’m really sorry to hear that mi is going through this my thoughts and prayers continue to go out to her.

    I’ve never looked to suicide as attention seeking but as a final solution people look to. I know I have had those thoughts and when it got really bad I had a breakdown and my family had to get me help. I was embarrassed and didn’t want my parents or anyone i was having these thoughts.

    I know that people use the argument that ” Well you haven’t been through this or that so you should be able to get over whatever it is.” but everyone is different and experiences things in different ways. The same way we shouldn’t compare our wants and happiness with others we shouldn’t do the same with pain in this regard. Hurt is Hurt if you’re able to overcome something and keep going great, but don’t put down others who can’t reach that point.

  6. Ah man, this is sad news. I know that she was going through very much, but it was not serious enough for her to want to take her own life.

    1. ^she realized she burned so many bridges that she is alone.
      she told me other personal things,
      but it seems the weed she smoked really took her through it.

  7. I have worked in the mental health field for nine years or more and one of the great impediments to kids and adults recovering from a suicide attempt is persons they love thinking it is a selfish act. no one who works in the field thinks this

    1. Thank you.Thank you. Thank you.

      I think the more we, as a society, hear from people who work in mental health,people who work for anti suicide organizations,people will realize that is a myth. Not only is it a myth but it’s a dangerous myth because there are people who have attempted suicide, being told they had being selfish or simply trying to get attention and have gone on to commit suicide.
      IMO,nothing is gained by making a person who already feels hopeless, worthless,etc also feel “selfish”.

  8. Sorry to hear this. I hope she finds the help that she needs and I know it’s tough on you, but don’t give up on her.

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