It Always Leads To Death

tumblr_mpz5ypBIP51s56exfo1_500i started feeling strange on friday.
it may have been that job,
since that has been the source of altering my moods.
it’s funny how my foxy senses was picking up on something.
the one thing i’m always reminded about…


yesterday i spent a majority of the day in bed.
it’s,
like,
i spend my weekends catching up on much needed sleep.
tumblr_lr9leaDSre1qafrh6so i slept,
woke up to use the bathroom,
and slept some more.
i added a re-watch of “being mary jane” and new music in between.
i had no motivation to visit the foxhole.

i got up around 7pm-ish to start my day.
i know.
something inside told me to start cleaning up my room.
maybe afterward,
i’d get some much needed ideas to blog about.
my room isn’t dirty,
but i had things to put away.
i love a clean and organized room.
it helps me think better and keeps me zen.
it also makes stir creativity as well.
this is one of the reasons when i walk out and go into the living room,
it usually makes me moody as fuck.

upsetfacepalmjon-hammsnlsaturday-night-liveas i was cleaning up,
i was led to the back of my closet.
i keep a box back there with all my parent’s stuff.
my father’s work schedule books stood out the most.
almost like i was supposed to look in them.
as i looked through it for nostalgia,
i noticed there was a compartment i never noticed in the back.
when i opened it,
there was a picture of me back there as a cub.
i looked so innocent and had this big smile on my face.
as i dug in deeper,
i found my father’s death certificate.

yesterday was the day of his passing.

it made me break down.
i consciously forgot,
but my subconscious will always give me a sign.
it even happens with my mother and star fox.
i’ll suddenly start feeling down days leading up to their deaths.
it’s like a personal calender reminder or something.
i miss them all,
but their passings have led me here.
i’m almost positive the foxhole would’t exist if they were still alive.

…Would I even be?

on lighter news,
the living room was spotless.
mi cleaned the “drug den”.
she even mopped the floor and cleaned the burnt stains off the stove.
shocked,
i tell ya!
shocked!
…i wonder what my foxy senses are trying to tell me about that?

msn_red_fox_smilies-09

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

12 thoughts on “It Always Leads To Death

  1. In one sense it is to remind you to remember your parents are now your angels looking out for you. Honor their memory. MI cleaning is a sign that your angels are working on your behalf and people do grow and change….

    1. ^it makes sense because ive been seeing those angel numbers everywhere.
      i was angry about how my living room looks tony.
      the trash was piled up and i said ima wait to see how long it’s gonna take her to take it out.
      i told myself ima stop sweatin shit and do me.

      well the trash was taken out and the whole area for renewed.

    2. ^i always honor them.
      i find myself speaking to them and star fox.
      a lot of interesting things been happening as of late.
      i feel spiritually connected to something…

    3. I second this. I definitely agree about the part and mi growing and changing. After what we have read of her thus far, she definitely has to grow and it will not happen overnight.

  2. glad you it some much needed sleep and cleaning done, you’ve been going through a lot so don’t beat yourself up for forgetting, a part of you knew hence the lack of energy you felt the last few days.

  3. Hey jamari! Glad to see you getting back to yourself sometimes you need that break just to air out and press reset to put yourself back together again I send much positive energy to ya and a warm cyber hug!

  4. Man…wow! I relate to you on SO many levels. Both of my parents are deceased as well…and like clockwork, every time their birthdays or significant dates roll around, I become so heavy and I can never explain it. One of my sisters randomly called me the other day and told me that she loved me and that our mom would be so proud of the man I’ve become…and I’m sure that your parents would say the very same..

    1. ^thank you c breezy!
      it’s tough without them,
      but i’m much stronger than i was when they were both alive.
      i have to always give myself credit for that.

      thank you for the comment and please continue to stay up!

  5. The job is sucking the living soul out of you. I’m shocked the little rat cleaned. Anyway, I am praying that one of your connection can hook you up with a job interview.

  6. My Brother….it is always a pleasure to experience these moments of enlightenment with you. You never know who you are helping and hoping in this thing we call life.

    My biological father passed when I was very young and although I had a great father and several awesome father figures growing up and even now, I sometimes wonder how life would have been if my father had lived. Then, I think about all of the experiences I’ve had and all of the amazing people I’ve met on my journey, and I realize I am where I am for a reason.

    In the novel The Time Machine by H. G. Wells, a man’s greatest achievement was inventing a time machine. The driving force behind his achievement was his hope to go back and save his wife from dying. However, every time he went back, he would save her only to see her die another way. Eventually, in his journeys through time, he meets a being that explains the error of his plan. His wife’s DEATH was the ONE thing that DROVE him to discover time travel. So, stopping her death would never work.

    Our present selves are a culmination of our life’s experiences. To undo and/or change those experiences is to change the fundamental nature of our being. All we can do is be the best US we can be and not let the lives of those that came before us be in vain.

    Peace & Blessing Lil’ Bro.

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