we don’t realize when we have fallen into a dark place.
it isn’t until someone points it out that we face that truth.
you can acting one way for the public,
cheery and having a “i’m good” mask on,
but be a whole other way deep inside.
that def has been me tbh.
i’m here to tell you that i’ve been faking it…
last night,
i blew tf up about a situation with 2 friends about folks in our friend group.
i went tf off about some shit that went down that i didn’t appreciate.
they have been fuckin’ with someone i’m not fuckin’ with right now.
i don’t care about who they choose to be cool with,
but they’ve been acting really sneaky about it.
they both understood why i’d be upset,
but they had to pull me to the side.
“We can hear the anger inside you J.
You can hear the negativity and bitterness inside you.”
as we talked about it more,
i had to wonder if i was mad at those other friends…
…or mad a whole bunch of other shit thats been happening in my life?
these last 2 months have truly has been a trying situation.
hell,
this year has been a piece of work.
some things and people just haven’t been working out in my favor.
i’m either feeling like i’m being ostracized,
not appreciated,
or feeling like i wasted my time being interested in someone.
social media is the pits.
you’ll see others you know showing love to everyone but you.
they fuckin’ with others birthdays and big announcements,
but you can’t even get the same type of flowers.
i’ve been forced to see where i stand with some people too.
people say “social media isn’t real“,
but the people you know are real and they’re treating you unreal.
i feel awful for even allowing myself to get to this point.
my “blame myself” is up too high.
after last night,
i woke up feeling insecure about how i may have been coming off.
again…
“What may people think of me?”
so the next thing i want to do is run away and hide,
go into my shell in typical cancer but…
What does that really solve?
i’m confused af today.
i’d really appreciate some kind of advice so i can pull it together.
lowkey: i think i started trying to appeal to the wrong people.
they came off like “friends” and then they dipped.
i miss the high they provided,
but that drug isn’t a good one.
there was a point where i was strictly about the foxhole and doing me.
i think i started trying to be in the radar of the wrong folks.
Jamari, hun, you gotta let go of them ghosts and free yourself! Speaking of ghosts, did you see episode 3 of Lovecraft Country? Were you able to sleep after?
Sounds like you know the answer. Protect your circle and your energy. Those friends that pulled you aside are good ones. Keep them. Talk to your therapist – and maybe bounce some things off your inner circle; see what they might be seeing from the outside.
You can’t please everyone, but you can please you. Love ya – mean it.
^is it wrong to say i really hate my parents for not teaching me that i am enough?
that others validation of me isn’t worth it?
i’ve spent my life giving myself to some people who i should have drop kicked into the pits of hell.
this pandemic has really opened and awakened that need and desire x 100.
there was a point i had my personal IG locked and wasn’t posting.
i was giving full attention to the foxhole and i was happy.
i’ve emotionally fucked up and i need to heal what’s been broken again.
love ya too and thanks for this advice.
It’s not wrong; they may not have been capable, though – to teach you.
But now you know. One thing about this isolation is it’s forced many of us to sit with ourselves and confront our personal demons and trauma, instead of going out or using SM to cover it.
(Tho SM can amplify things).
All that to say, yes, heal. Write, talk, scream, decompress, whatever you need. Exercise, get some sun – that helps the body.
We’ll be here when you get back.
^ima spend the day watching disney movies.
that always helped center me.
I think you need to start having a “IDGAF” attitude and start to love yourself more. As I got older, I hate to be around ppl long and don’t see ppl as friends but as acquaintances. I only make a handful ppl as friends and if they start to screw me or offend me, then I cut them loose. No biggie. Gotta build that thick tough skin and care about yourself cuz at the end of the day, only you know how you truly feel.
^ i lost my “IDGAF” attitude or didn’t perfect it enough.
i turned it off for people i thought would be my friends and i learned really quickly that i did the wrong thing.
^thank you for this response kevy.
i got a lot to think about and make immediate changes.
You only really need that 1 or 2 great consistent friends. That’s all I need. And I’m always here for you and the blogs.
^tjanks kevy.
my issue is i turned acquaintances into friends.
i took a situation i thought was of interest and realized he was really not interested.
so i feel back at square one rather than having this false hope i felt comfortable with.