I’m Cummin’ Up To A New Mountain

tumblr_o255umavie1u4tvlro1_500tomorrow starts my new path on the mountain trail:

“i cum first”

as i said i would from the “no more mr nice guy” break free exercise.
today i have been in a reflective kind of mood.
for some odd reason,
i feel nervous about:

– putting me first
– stop care taking
– no more external validation
– change my thinking with affirmations/responsibility training

it’s like i’m already thinking ahead,
rather than staying in the present moment.
since the foxhole is my “safe person”,
i have been having a lot of slips.
i’ll tell you with what

i’ve been thinking a lot about work wolf.
i don’t know how to stop.
he sees me and i don’t exist.
when i see him,
i ignore the fuck out his life as well.
i don’t look in his direction as i know he does with me.
he speaks to a lot of the animals when he comes around but me.
when i’m talking to someone he knows,
he tries to get their attention in a passive aggressive way.
i still pay him no mind and continue my conversation.
i don’t “miss him” as much as everything has been left the way it is.
it’s like broken glass on the floor that no one is going to clean up.

i had a dream about him last nigh tho.
we were on this half empty train.
there were many available seats.
i chose to stand while he sat down.
i looked in his direction and he did me.
we locked eyes for a moment and i saw the sadness in his.
he chuckled,
looked away,
and said:

“i hope you have a good day jamari”

i responded:

“same to you work wolf”

i came to my stop and as i was getting off,
i heard him yell “wait!”,
but i continued toward the door.
i looked back at him and he was looking dead in my eyes.
it was like he was trying to decide if he should follow me.
after the door closed,
and he told me to wait for him at that stop i was at.
i remember feeling hesitant,
but i sat on a bench and waited as i watched the train leave.
i woke up shortly after.

i don’t know why he takes over my mind the way he does.
it hasn’t made this process easier.
it often brings me down that things are this way,
but i have to remember he lost more than i did.
for the next month,
i want to try my best to remove him and put me in that place.

it felt good revealing that.
this is my truth.
the truth is never easy or nice.
i would rather not lie to please others.
 the book is helping.

2043-mountain-sunset

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

8 thoughts on “I’m Cummin’ Up To A New Mountain

  1. wow that dream was something.

    Even though you are going through this withdraws from work wolf it seems like he is too. You guys were a big part of each other lives so to not have that is hard ( I’m going through a figh with my wolf “friend” now and it’s getting to me but I’m trying to stay strong” your blog is def helping)

    You have reached a point where you are putting you first and I think you’ll be a better person for it.

    1. ^he is trying his hardest to pretend he doesn’t see me.
      well i can do the same.
      it sucks,
      but this happened because more is coming i’m sure.
      i guess God wants me to me much stronger for the fight.

  2. Please. Who’re you kidding. You aren’t going to get over him until one of you guys leave that job.

  3. I truly don’t mean to sound dismissive and idk all the happeninsg and nuances to his “work wolf” relationship, but bottom line for me is and from what I’ve gathered, you’ve got waaaaay too much talent/looks (dunno what u look like, but I’ma jump to assumptions) and shit goin’ for yaself to waste this much energy on this mofo ESPECIALLY when no DNA is involved, if u feel me, I’m sorry, bump that…

    1. …and God knows I’ve been taken on the hoodwink roller coaster a time or two, but I’ve learned to take the late Maya’s advice of:

      “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

  4. So I am asking this question again.. and hopefully Jamari you will answer this time. I don’t know if Work Vixen, the one that use to hang with you and WW, is she still on the job or did she leave.. but if she is, has she asked you what is going on with you and him. Being nosy here.

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