If I Stay

tumblr_maihnbUXT81qgwirfo1_500yesterday i was in sort of a funk.
i pretty much slept my brains out.
i needed a break after the week,
hell summer,
i’ve had.
at about 2am,
i watched a movie on netflix last night i’ve been wanting to watch.
it was called “if i stay”.
the previews made the plot look interesting.
i won’t give too much away,
but basically…

it was about a girl who was in a bad car accident with her family.
father.
mother.
brother.
she was put into a coma,
but she could see everything that was going on around her.
her parents and brother ended up dying.
that was not the plot twist so don’t have a fit.
well she had to make the decision if she wanted to stay or die.
she would be pretty much all alone if she chose to stay.

after the movie,
i thought to myself:

If that happened to me right now,
and i had the option to stay or go,
what would i choose?

honestly,
i think i would go.
i would choose to die.
why?
well i’m living a life where i’m alone,
my parents are dead,
and i’m wondering where the hell my life is even going nowadays.
i am living check to check,
my cousin has been draining me trying to get her together,
and i’m in a depressing “deep like” with a confused work wolf.
i can never meet the wolf of my dreams without it being some fuck shyt.
i have a few friends and a lot of associates,
but i miss my star fox.
i miss having a great gay fox i could trust in my life.
shit i had to ask myself who would even visit me at the hospital?
would people cry for me?
or am i not as invisible as i feel i am?

tumblr_inline_mgzj6hIFc31rrc78e

why can i speak highly of others,
and they can with me,
but i can’t of myself?
like i can do everything for everyone else,
and see the beauty and strength in them,
but i can’t even for me.

maybe i’m just in a season of struggle,
or its just this weekend,
but that’s how i honestly feel.
it is subject to change.
i do have good things that outweigh the bad,
and i like to think i’m a good fox,
but i’m just not where i want to be as of yet.
will i even be there?
will god finally allow me to live the life i dream of?
will I ever allow me to live that life as well?

so i had to ask,
and maybe this is a twisted question,
but if you had to choose

Would you stay or would you go?

tumblr_m22eufGtzl1r7drv2o1_500lowkey: forgive me,
i’m just sad.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

27 thoughts on “If I Stay

  1. Honestly I would have to stay. I know my family would be distraught if anything were to ever happen to me. At the same time, I can truly relate to what you are saying. I look at my life and just feel like I am at a standstill. I’m realizing that the gay life, as far as relationships go, is a pretty lonely one. If you are not interested in just fucking and you actually want to spend your life with someone like regular people, you are an anomaly among the gays. The loneliness gets to me too Jamari. I look at the hopes I have for my life and wonder if they will ever be achieved. However, if you leave you will never have the chance to find out. I think work wolf would be really broken up if something happened to you. I know that even though it may not feel like it, you have people in your life that love you. I know the foxhole would lose it if you went away. If nothing else, you know that we love you (if I may speak for the foxhole) even though we’ve never met you. I guess one of the great things about success and achieving something is the journey to get there. If the good things in life came easy, we wouldn’t appreciate them the same. We are all on the journey now.

    1. ^you are right sam.
      i just feel so depressed these days.
      watching that movie really made me think.
      i think i even dreamt of it when i fell asleep.

      everyone makes it seem like its “that easy” to get out there and meet someone.
      i knew star fox for over 10 years.
      other people in my life i have known for a long time as well.
      its not easy when you don’t really trust people,
      especially after being back stabbed and hurt by so many.

  2. Life is so complex and difficult, right? Reading a lot of your post constantly reminds me that we are all so much the same. We go through similar problems, we have good days then we have bads…etc. You should get some fresh air today. Go for a jog, roam the city, do something social. That’s what I do when I have days like this.

  3. Damn….(deep sigh) 😩 It’s like you’re reading my mind. I wonder the same thing from time to time. Who really cares about me & the loneliness etc. I would still choose to stay anyway b/c I feel like there has to be something good that’s is coming from this standstill/struggle.
    i agree with @ Sam Spade on everything that was said…👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
    Well said man…well said.

    1. ^i completely agree tp.
      sam hit the nail on the head with his comment.

      what scares me is those people who are good people,
      who struggle,
      and die with absolutely nothing.
      i would hate to be that person and i don’t want that on my life.

  4. Honestly I’m with J on this one. I feel the same way ALOT of the time. I completely understand where he’s coming from and what he’s feeling. The feelings are very real and very compelling toward ending ones life. It’s a spirit, force, cloud (whatever you want to call it …. I call mine my Mistress) that’s always there. Even on a good day in the back of your mind it’s whispering to you. There are times when you can block it out but there are others when it’s near damn impossible to do that. You wonder things and think things that normally you most likely wouldn’t ……. It’s difficult at times very difficult. But it’s life ….. Kinda 😕😕😕

    1. ^you just spoke to me arik.
      i completely agree.
      i’m glad my honesty on this topic could also get honest answers as well.
      whether those choose to stay or go,
      its interesting what the answers are.

  5. Jamari I feel you so much dude. I have some good days but I have some bad days to. Some of my bad days come from being lonely, not having a better job, and regretting the fact that I didn’t go on to get a college degree. I try to be positive and see the good things in my life but sometimes I just can’t help being depressed. I look at my peers and close ones around being married or having kids and I’m like damn I want that so bad, but I can’t, then adding the fact that people are constantly questioning my sexuality is so frustrating. So to answer your question I would have to stay. I don’t feel like right now in my life I am ready to go, I’m almost 26 and although a lot of my days are rough right now I am hoping it will get better and more positive.

  6. I don’t know who wrote this but I use it to motivate me.

    Just because the past didn’t turn out like you wanted it to doesn’t mean your future can’t be better than you imagined.

    1. I really like that statement, Y. I will have to apply that to my outlook on life, because some days I do feel like it would best to not go on.

  7. I think I would stay, going through bad times I feel always led to good ones. I would hate to give up only to find out I was on the edge of getting my happy ending. Yes I don’t have the wolf, apartment, lifestyle of my dreams right now but it doesn’t mean it won’t happen.

    As for you Jamari you’re just going through a funk it’s understandable, but please don’t let this time be the answer for your future. You are love by not only hot friends but this foxhole as well, you touched so many people lives with your words it’s a blessing, maybe you need to write on your mirror words of affection and say them aloud to yourself every morning(like many Jane-ish I know) .

    P.S. ” I can never meet the Wolf of my dreams without it being so fuck shit”

    👆🏽 THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. Sorry you feel this way. I would definitely stay, the reason being that whatever is going on may get better, if I were to die, I would never know what could have been. Staying makes perfectly good sense.

  9. Instead of complaining so much dude, u need to say THANK YOU. Speak it out loud to god and say THANK YOU. Thank you for a roof over your head, thank you for money in my pocket, thank you for a job, thank you for friends, thank you for the motherfuckers who AIN’T your friend just so they can teach u how to be a better person, thank God for giving you infinite 2nd chances cause we’re only human, and we all gone fuck up at some point, thank god in heaven that your alive to USE UR GOD GIVING TALENTS TO HELP OTHERS through THEIR problems THROUGH your platform on here. Wake up, open your eyes, stop complaining, wipe your tears away man, cause this is a time of growth in ur life. BE THANKFUL FOR GROWTH!

    i have been frequenting this website only for the last few months (i stumbled across this website for the first time earlier this year) but you have posted some very thought-provoking stuff, and through your words, i have i seen a bit of your spirit. You have so so so many positive qualities about yourself but you are ALLOWING all of these negative forces (that should hold NO IMPORTANCE in your own life in the first gotdamn place) to take hold on your mind and spirit and i wanna see u break free, just like i had to. I had to do the same shyt to break free from 8+ years of depression and anxiety (i was fifteen 8+ years ago, now I’m 24) and all this other fuckshyt that is COMPLETELY outside of who i REALLY am. All those things are just egos WE give power to to distract us from our TRUE selves. You are NOT any of these negative forces in you life. Stand up! Be grateful! The universe WILL answer, trust and believe.

    P.S. i am almost certain work wolf ain’t gone be your lover bruh. He ain’t even TRIED to make no move like that. If he wanted the cheeks, he would’ve gotten em by now cause u would’ve allowed it. What I’ve come to realize about niggas who I.D. as straight that may have an undisclosed attraction to the same sex….they will almost always stick to what their comfortable with. It’s more or less genetic IMO, like the Kinsey scale. We are all at a disposition to gravitate towards one gender or the other, or to be somewhere in the middle, whether or not we give ANY FUCKS about society’s little hang ups with gender and orientation and sexuality. We CANNOT change ppl or mold them into what we want them to be for us. He is there in ur life as a MIRROR to your self…of what NOT to do, of how NOT to operate when it comes to how we treat ppl…all them gotdamn games he playing….he ain’t there but to SHOW YOU that once u move past your own self-esteem issues, you’ll finally be able to HANDLE whatever blessings are coming to u next.

    1. ^i really appreciated this comment kai.
      Like legit I felt everything you had to say.
      writing this entry actually opened my eyes.
      I’m sitting on a bench in the park,
      but im actually engulfed in all the beauty around me.
      i am in a little funk,
      but im going to come out of by tomorrow.
      new game plan.

      1. trouble don’t last always jamari. ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT. even in the worst of times, be GRATEFUL. i am so fkin happy you got my msg man. i didn’t know how u would respond or even IF you would repsond at all. but i am grateful to god that my lil rant reached you guys on here. im seriously MEGA-BLUSHING right now due to this lil spotlight on my comment i don’t like the spotlight at all tbh >.< lmao. im almost in tears cause i am so happy that other ppl are inspired to keep going thru my lil words. we're all human at the end of the day and it's my belief that we need to do our best to inspire and uplift each other. keep the positive vibes going ^.^ AND TY to everyone else who responded to me in a positive manner. i am so fkin happy that u guys are feeling a bit better about ur days and urselves :']

    2. This is definitely the comment of the YEAR. Best comment on this blog. I needed to hear some of this for myself. You are definitely wise beyond your years.

  10. Jamari, please stay. Think of all the good you can do–for yourself and for others. At every end there’s a begining. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

  11. Jamari Antonio Fox, calling you by your full name like do in the South, even though I just made up that name for you LOL. Boy you better stop playing and know that you are here for a reason. Anybody on the other side would trade places with you in a heartbeat no matter how hard or depressing the road might be, because you are still on this side and able to make a change. Seriously, we have all been at this place in our life at one time or another I am sure. If you dont know nothing else, know that the Foxhole loves you and look forward to your writings, our back and forth. You are touching somebody right now and you dont even know it. How many times do you come here and see people who tell you that they have been lurking for years, but never bothered to comment, almost every day up in here we see that.

    Kai, you have brought it on home and said the exact things, I would have said, I am always impressed by young people such as yourself who have so much wisdom at a young age.

    I was feeling some type of way yesterday, had a good friend to swerve on me when I needed them that caused me to be put in a rough spot financially ruining my mood, but I got up this morning and the sun was shining, I listen to my gospel music and hit the gym and I am just feeling good today to be in the land of the living with great health. I am going to do me today and not worry about shiesty friends because they will need you again. I am hoping that you meet you someone who will put a smile a on your face.

  12. bruh tbh i DO NOT consider myself wise. i consider myself a student of life. IN FACT…most of my newfound “wisdom” was given to me by ppl like maya angelou and oprah, thru youtube…ik it sounds a lil farfetched but i was going thru a horrible breakup and a terrible job loss…two really big blows to me last year….and their words (thru god guidng me to them both and others) helped me pull thru and begin this spiritual journey of major growth. so i don’t credit myself with my knowledge..maybe nowdays im a lil more RECEPTIVE to learning new things, but so are many others in life. But i seriously appreciate you complementing me in ur post man :]

    BTW if anyone is interested, this is the video that woke me up from my situation last year and started the ball rolling for me becoming a better version of myself 😮 https://vimeo.com/18145425

    1. Kai man you need to post here more dude. Your comments really spoke to me because today I have been feeling really down. Thanks again Kai, and please please don’t be a stranger.

  13. i have this thought EVERY day. my choice would be to leave. for some odd reason i don’t think i belong here on earth. i don’t really think i have a purpose . even though I’ve always been told i am nice looking and have a beautiful smile i don’t see it. i have both parents but just the physical, no support morally,mentally or financially (never have either). its essentially always been me(only child by my mother father has children) . i don’t even smile any more . i know I’m depressed just don’t have the resources to pay for a shrink. my schedule is work church home. my phone don’t even ring. i manage to always let someone take advantage of me and it makes me even more broken and bitter inside and out . <——–everything I've typed would be my reason to leave . maybe id be more peaceful or finally HAPPY. yes i pray and believe in GOD but sometimes i don't even think I'm worthy of his blessings . i don't proclaim to be a saint bc I've done some awful things in my past. I've repented and continue to ask GOD for forgiveness and blessings but i truly don't think I've forgiven myself. emeli sande has a song called "clown" i promise i just bawl every time i listen to it bc its my life in lyrics . "sometimes' by keyshia cole too. people say money doesn't buy happiness but for me it'll buy me comfortability(food, bills. medical , dental etc.) it would be nice to one day get a text or call saying hi just checking on u or how r u without someone asking for something in return . please don't read this as a woe is me , but just my inside thoughts on a screen . who knows maybe something beautiful will surprise me …………..maybe not

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