yesterday i was in sort of a funk.
i pretty much slept my brains out.
i needed a break after the week,
at about 2am,
i watched a movie on netflix last night i’ve been wanting to watch.
it was called “if i stay”.
the previews made the plot look interesting.
i won’t give too much away,
it was about a girl who was in a bad car accident with her family.
she was put into a coma,
but she could see everything that was going on around her.
her parents and brother ended up dying.
that was not the plot twist so don’t have a fit.
well she had to make the decision if she wanted to stay or die.
she would be pretty much all alone if she chose to stay.
after the movie,
i thought to myself:
If that happened to me right now,
and i had the option to stay or go,
what would i choose?
i think i would go.
i would choose to die.
well i’m living a life where i’m alone,
my parents are dead,
and i’m wondering where the hell my life is even going nowadays.
i am living check to check,
my cousin has been draining me trying to get her together,
and i’m in a depressing “deep like” with a confused work wolf.
i can never meet the wolf of my dreams without it being some fuck shyt.
i have a few friends and a lot of associates,
but i miss my star fox.
i miss having a great gay fox i could trust in my life.
shit i had to ask myself who would even visit me at the hospital?
would people cry for me?
or am i not as invisible as i feel i am?
why can i speak highly of others,
and they can with me,
but i can’t of myself?
like i can do everything for everyone else,
and see the beauty and strength in them,
but i can’t even for me.
maybe i’m just in a season of struggle,
or its just this weekend,
but that’s how i honestly feel.
it is subject to change.
i do have good things that outweigh the bad,
and i like to think i’m a good fox,
but i’m just not where i want to be as of yet.
will i even be there?
will god finally allow me to live the life i dream of?
will I ever allow me to live that life as well?
so i had to ask,
and maybe this is a twisted question,
but if you had to choose…