I Want To Feel It So That I See It


Have you ever come to a point in your life where you’re waiting for the plot twist?

not the ones that are in horror movies.
i mean,
the one you are doing all you can to get by,
but you’re just waiting for that moment when your dreams finally come true?
i know you do.
i’m there myself.
i’ve been feeling rather stuck mentally and emotionally.
i wonder if i’ll ever live the life i desire.
yours might be a little different than mine.
see mine…

whenever i watch shows like “insecure”,
“dear white people”,
and now even “she’s gotta have it”,
that’s how i picture the life what i want.
not the problems,
but the ambiance.
the art.
the background music.
living and loving at my most successful self.
that’s how i’ve pictured my life,
but realistically,
my current funds and anxiety try to direct my depression.
i can’t afford to do most things and i’m tired of most folks.
you can even throw a little “defeat” in there.
i don’t know.
i just feel like i’m waiting for the plot twist to happen.

life is weird.
to others,
i am living my “best” life.
folks have told me how they wished they had my life.
i’m not doing anything extra.
i dress to fit my personal swagg,
  go the places that i want to go,
and stay the fuck out of trouble.
i’m in control of my own narrative,
but through these eyes in my own world…

i feel like i’m missing something.
yearning for something.
fiending for something.
…ya know?
believe it or not,
wolves aren’t my main concern these days.
they tend to be draining with the games and lies.
i don’t “do” toxic.
i want that “in 4k hd/black tv show” life.
maybe i’m being a dreamer,
but i want to see the beauty out my own eyes.
the plot is always interesting.
every scene has a song that fits that moment.

“we will always want more.
we are human.”

i’m grateful for all that i have now.
this is not a “ungrateful” entry,
but i’d be lying if i didn’t say i was feeling otherwise.
it could be me not really seeing/feeling it,
but i’ll know when i’m there.
my current background soundtrack…

how does that feel?

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

11 thoughts on “I Want To Feel It So That I See It”

  1. You’re not alone. I’m sure there are many others going through the same things. As long as you don’t buy into the scripted plot of television AND Instagram/Facebook & just live generously & humble, you’ll be fine. Although I do like to look, finding a wolf never really was my top priority, moreso these days than ever. Ain’t nothing wrong with some ME time.

    1. Jammy, I fully agree with you! We are on the same page. It is a terrible thing to feel stuck, I know because I am currently at that same point. Yet, for me it is different, because I have comfory and peace. Simply because, I think of people in The Bible. For though I may be like Jacob when wrestled with the angel or Job when he was being tested but remained faithful or the Apostle Paul when he was taken through. I rest on two scriptures.

      “I have learned to be content in whatsoever state I am in.” (words of Paul)

      “When my heart is overwhelmed lead me to the rock [God] that is higher than I.” (words of David)

  2. Here is the thing we as people do. We focus too much on what we don’t have and not enough on the great phenomenal things we do have.

    1. ^you are absolutely right Mika.
      i write in my gratitude journal every night about all the blessings of that day.
      things could be worse and i know that.

      is it wrong to just want a little bit more for your life?

  3. this really resonates with me. Not that “misery loves company” but it is nice to know that someone else looks at their life and asks these questions…people around make you feel like you’re being ungrateful or at worse – bumptious – if you verbalize these thoughts.

  4. The holidays always get me in my feelings. I’m right in the same place. Truthfully, i don’t know that i ever leave it.

  5. I totally understand this post because I have felt this way for years. I’m grateful for my life and the people in it but I want more and I’m working towards getting it. The 3 shows you mentioned are very unique but are common in showing a different view point of black life in three different settings. I have seen shows based in LA, and New York before but never like Insecure and She’s gotta have it, both shows show the beauty of their cities and the spaces blacks call home in beautiful ways. I get inspired by shows (among other things) a lot myself and don’t see a problem with it, besides from entertainment a great show or movie when done right can shake one to the core.

    Watching She’s gotta have it and seeing how the Lola lives her life with no fucks to give, has lovers but isn’t tied down to them and doesn’t let other people opinions of her change her, and shes a creative beautiful skin and a dope apartment. Ii think anyone would be inspired by her life lol

  6. I think its the Instagram syndrome. A feeling that your life pales in comparison to the lives you admire. I feel this way about my body every time I go on Instagram. I think its natural to compare ourselves to the “Jones” but once doing this makes you feel depressed it is important to step away and gain perspective of how life truly is. Maybe taking a break from these shows when you start to feel crappy about your life is a good idea.

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