i need to do me better (two chairs; one fox)

i just had something happen in therapy that i have to share.
before he called,
i was filled with anxiety and doubt.
there were so many things going on in my mind.
after the call,
i feel lighter and more relieved.
so it involved two chairs

my therapist wanted me to arrange both chairs to face each other.
in the right chair,
that was my motivator side.
the left would hold my unmotivated side.

he asked me which side i wanted to start with first.
i told him the motivator side.

“jamari.
right now,
i know you’re feeling depressed and unmotivated,
but you gotta get up and get movin’…”

there was more to it,
but i basically tried to let my unmotivated side his worth.
after i was done,
i moved to the unmotivated side:

“i get it and i’m trying.
things are moving so weird and i feel so sad.
i’ve attached myself to things and people that have hurt me…”

again,
i said more.
i started crying while speaking from my unmotivated side.
after the exercise was done,
he said that he noticed something.

He said that I didn’t speak to my unmotivated side with empathy.
He said I encouraged him,
but I was also shaking a finger at him.
I didn’t see where he was coming from as far as his pain.
It was a different variation of how my parentals spoke to me.
It wasn’t abusive as them,
but it was very dismissive.
Both sides need to work together if they want to achieve the highest good.

i gotta start doing me better.
sexually,
i know how to please myself,
but i don’t apply the same energy to my entire being.
ive been so rough on myself,
but i won’t allow anyone else to speak to me in that way.
why am i allowing myself to hurt me?
why am i not seeing the good and the power within me?
why am i trying to get others to see it for me?
what better time to make a change than my birthday weekend.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

3 thoughts on “i need to do me better (two chairs; one fox)

  1. I’m so glad that you are doing this. I feel like you are revealing so much about yourself. Know that you sharing your journey and struggles is helping me examine deeper levels of my own thoughts as well as letting you vent. I can literally see a difference in your writing (not just in the posts about it). Please continue on this journey of self examination, even if you don’t update the foxhole with it. Also happy birthday weekend.

    https://twitter.com/violadavis/status/1266045846585438209

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