many people in life don’t know who they are.
at one point,
even i didn’t know who i was.
when it comes to being “gay” or even “bi”,
people don’t like to embrace it.
now embracing doesn’t mean coming out the closet with poom poom shorts in tow.
it also doesn’t mean you have to announce it to the world.
it simply means just knowing this is who you am and what you like.
should not be complicated,
plus it allows you to not be so fuckin’ messy round dese parts.
how does one,
who is gay/bi but raised in the church,
fully try to accept himself and cast out everything he was taught?
corinthricleslations 123: 64 says:
thou shall not be anything BUT straight.
or you go to hell.
plain and simple.
well this morning i got an interesting phone call to test that theory…
star fox’s mother gave a minister from our old church my number.
like, didn’t even ask me if it was okay.
he was calling to see how i was doing since star fox passed.
well it went from “catch up” to “what the fuck?” real quick.
“star fox’s mother told me about what he was doing in the lifestyle.”
she was really hurt he never came to her…
or even me about it.”
“oh what would you have done?
throw holy water on him?”
“well i know what its like to be in the struggle.
i’ve been struggling with it for a very long time.
i was molested at a very young age and I’ve been fighting the demons ever since.”
sometimes i ask god why did he let this happen?
why am i in this situation?
maybe it was a curse handed down from my family.”
“well why don’t you just be and stop trying to fight it?”
“i feel like you’re way too old to be fighting sexuality.”
i could hear him struggle to laugh.
“i could fight you for that comment.
my therapist said the same.
i just don’t want to.
that’s not how i was raised.
plus i might get into that lifestyle and completely lose my mind.”
“you can if you allow it.”
but i could see why he wouldn’t be so eager to jump in head first.
he is in his 50s,
raised in the church,
and from another generation.
“are you out?”
“what kind of men are you attracted to?”
“i like masculine men.”
“can i share something with you?”
“i always found you to be attractive…”
“well thank you.”
“its funny i know men who are gay and older.
they just don’t care anymore.
telling me they living their lives and not worried if they catch hiv.”
“they are messy senior citizens.”
“i had someone invite me over his house before.
i turned him down.
what if i liked him and became his bitch?
what do i look like being someone’s bitch?”
you will have a partner.
this is not jail.”
“you teaching me new words i didn’t even know…”
“i feel like you are making it into something scary.
its a simple thing you can do privately or not.
it doesn’t need to be this big fuckin’ deal.”
i cursed at the minister.
what was he gonna do?
make me write lines at sunday school?
anyway the conversation went all over the place.
it went from him being sexually attracted to chris brown,
what he looks for in a vixen,
and then trying to end the convo with him talking about star fox memories.
after i got off the phone,
i kinda felt sorry for him.
okay all the way felt sorry.
he is trapped in his own mind.
a place where a black book determines who is he.
not the “good kind” of black book either.
after that convo,
i had to seriously wonder…