Foxhole Book Club: No More Mr. Nice Guy (Chapter 4)

nomoremrniceguy-620x350-620x350-1so it’s thursday,
so you know what that means?
another juicy self-helping of “no more mr. nice guy”.
i really enjoyed this chapter.
it is titled:

“make your needs a priority”

a topic i have struggled with all my life.
i have put many others before me.
some appreciate and are still around.
others i end up feeling drained when it wasn’t returned.
the last was work wolf.
he froze me out and it still stings,
but it has gotten me to start finding the strength within me.
so i should really be thanking him.
he was in my life for a “reason”.
this chapter forced me to take a step back.
i was damn near in tears at the end of the chapter.
these are my answers to the “break free” activities

Breaking Free Activity #12
Do you believe it is OK for you to have needs?

yes.

Do you believe people want to help you meet your needs?

yes.

Do you believe this world is a place of abundance?

yes i believe it is.

****
Screen Shot 2016-03-31 at 7.42.36 PM
Breaking Free Activity #13
Identify at least one covert contract between you and another.

i did all these things for work wolf and i expected him to be in my life.
he made me feel like i was the only one who had his back.
the things he said/did led me to believe he was getting comfortable with me.

What do you give?

i have my emotions.
i also cared too much for him.
when he was sick,
i got him medicine.
when he needed help with things like jobs or to get out of trouble,
i would stop what i was doing to help him.
it was like i only saw him.

What do you expect in return?

his heart and some dick.

…what?
i’ll be honest with you.

giphyShare this information with the other person. Ask the person how it feels to respond to an unclear agenda.

well i’m currently in antarctica with him.
i think that is the answer to the question.

*****

Breaking Free Activity #14
Identify two or three examples of your caretaking behavior. In order to stimulate awareness of your caretaking, do one of the following for a period of one week:

1) Go on a caretaking moratorium. Because Nice Guys have a difficult time differentiating between caring and caretaking, stop giving completely (except to young, dependent children). Tell people what you are doing so they won’t be confused. Observe your feelings and other people’s reactions.

i don’t know how to do this.
i will figure it out and start it on monday as a fresh week.

2) Consciously try to caretake more than you already do. As odd as this assignment may sound, it is a very effective way to create awareness of your caretaking behavior. Pay attention to how you feel and how other people react to you.

i’ve been doing this since star fox died.
when i look at it now,
i can see how it could be a big problem.
it makes me look needy and i get too emotional if they don’t “return the favor”.
i will stop that immediately.

******

Breaking Free Activity #15
It can be difficult to make a direct link between your caretaking behavior and the emotional pukes which inevitably follow. Observe the ways you hurt the people you love.

● Do you make cutting remarks or hurtful “jokes”?
● Do you embarrass them in public?
● Are you frequently late?
● Do you “forget” things they’ve asked you to do?
● Do you criticize them?
● Do you withdraw from them or threaten to leave?
● Do you let frustration build until you blow up at them?

Ask the significant others in your life to give you feedback about your caretaking and emotional pukes. This information may be hard to hear and may trigger a shame attack, but it is important information for breaking out of the victim triangle.

i did this and got various responses via text.

pose:
Screen Shot 2016-03-31 at 7.32.24 PM
karaoke:

Screen Shot 2016-03-31 at 7.32.13 PM Screen Shot 2016-03-31 at 7.32.45 PMScreen Shot 2016-03-31 at 7.47.18 PM Screen Shot 2016-03-31 at 7.47.35 PM Screen Shot 2016-03-31 at 7.47.49 PM Screen Shot 2016-03-31 at 7.48.54 PM Screen Shot 2016-03-31 at 7.49.00 PM
the pretty vixen:

Screen Shot 2016-03-31 at 7.33.03 PM Screen Shot 2016-03-31 at 7.33.26 PM
cousin hybrid:

IMG_1250 IMG_1251samanthathat was an eye opener to read those.
i felt so shamed about it to myself.

****

Breaking Free Activity #16
Make a decision to put yourself first for a weekend or even a whole week. Tell the people around you what you are doing. Ask a friend to support you and encourage you in this process. Pay attention to your initial anxiety. Pay attention to your tendency to revert to old patterns. At the end of the time period, ask the people around you what it was like for them when you put yourself first.

Remember, you don’t have to do it perfectly. Just do it.

starting next week,
it will be “my week” to be much more selfish.
no more paying attention to anyone else but myself.
i will update those in my life as i do this.

*****

thank you for reading.
until next thursday!

giphy-1

x FOLLOW ALONG HERE

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

30 thoughts on “Foxhole Book Club: No More Mr. Nice Guy (Chapter 4)

  1. I actually left the caretaking business a year ago…I found out a few things

    1. The ones I took care of before my own needs…still lived

    2. I had more time to do things I want and like to do

    3. They eventually saw their issues and how they took me for granted and actually show more appreciation and do more for more than before without asking or needing but I appreciate the effort

    4. Those who cared less I can’t even remember theit names and why we were ever friends so I am good

    The world will rotate when you focus on your needs and you will be less stressed

      1. It will draw the right people to you. Not just any old moth when you are a butterfly. Notice I said most will come back and truly appreciate you. Initially some people can’t handle change. To do it effectively focus on your needs first…it doesn’t mean you ignore others needs. You just make sure you are good first.

        It’s hard pull somebody else out if a ditch if you are stuck in your own ditch.

      2. Or Mikey ask..would you like me to do… or ask “what can I do to help…” and then go from there. Sometimes we offer help that does solve a problem but only delays the right action to minimize the immediate issue but the problem remains unsolved because we have addressed the root cause but have only touched on the surface. Remember most people only allow us to sew what they want us to see..when the real issue goes much deeper. We scratch the itch instead of treating the skin condition

        1. ^its like how do you change years of instilled ideals of helping others and putting yourself on the back burner?
          that’s the truly difficult part.
          sticking with the change and keeping it there at all times.

      3. Change happens one second at a time..one minute at a time..one day at a time…Beyonce lied…none of us woke up like this…it took years to make us but there is nothing that can truly break us. What doesn’t kill you definitely makes you stronger…

        It takes time..don’t rush it…enjoy the ride..celebrate the wins. ..

      1. Not quite. Don’t ignore others. Just take care of your wants instead of always doing what is asked for fear of upsetting the other person. Mostly listen to your gut. I’m sure you have heard that voice say”don’t do it jamari” but you do it anyway trying to be the “nice guy” and it end up different than you thought. Listen to you.

        1. ^ooooooh ok.
          that helps with that you said.
          i want to make sure i got this by next week.
          i have to incorporate chapter 3 and 4.

          i do a lot of caretaking than caring.
          i did it with work wolf because he needed to be rescued.
          my other friends are way too strong so we just have great conversations/bonds.

    1. You can care without caretaking. You aren’t super man and you disable people when you always try to fix their mess when all you need to do is care, listen, talk and advise. When we start to always fix things we take own other people’s problems for them when what they really need is to be heard and supported. I bet you see a difference in the relationships where you support someone than when you fix things for someone…please share if you do

      1. You will have the urge to dive in and fix…try to refrain before they ask specifically for help. It’s weird because it’s our fixing that draws people to us. It works for a while but then we are the ones drained feeling unappreciated and then we hear ” nobody asked you to….” and they are right…they didn’t

        1. ^sometimes i wonder if work wolf was using me.
          when i asked him,
          he caught a major attitude about it.
          he use to say he loved when i would help and fix him.
          i helped him see himself and who he was.
          i cared for him too much.
          even though he bought me things,
          i still feel like i was used in the end…

      2. Loving your advice tony I’m try to not offer my help and wait to see if my friends ask for it. A lot of times I beat them to the bush and offer because I assume they hit me up to ask for it.

      3. We all are used…because we all have gifts and talents given by God. We are used on our jobs..by family… the negative connotation comes when we feel we don’t get what WE THINK we should get in return. We get “used” on our job…but we negotiated and agreed on a salary for them to “use our services”

        the problem is with nice guys we are afraid to ask others for something in return or when we need or want something. That’s how relationships are formed. Give and take. I’m sure you provide something of value to certain friends just like they do you. But each relationship has something different that is of value..hence why we maintain different types of relationships with different people. Relationships end when value is somehow lost

        Work wolf uses you..but in the sense you provided value…but did you ask him what you needed from him at times. No not dick…but who knows..if you asked out right and he told you know..j/k…but seriously did you tell him what you valued about him and what you would like him to continue doing to make the relationship grow?

        1. ^of course.
          all the time.
          he told me i said/did things to him no one else did.
          i cared a lot for that fool.

          i agree so much with you tony.
          you are speaking to me so heavy right now.
          i’m feeling like a emotional wreck lol

      4. Or Mikey ask..would you like me to do… or ask “what can I do to help…” and then go from there. Sometimes we offer help that does solve a problem but only delays the right action to minimize the immediate issue but the problem remains unsolved because we have addressed the root cause but have only touched on the surface. Remember most people only allow us to sew what they want us to see..when the real issue goes much deeper. We scratch the itch instead of treating the skin condition

    2. Change happens one second at a time..one minute at a time..one day at a time…Beyonce lied…none of us woke up like this…it took years to make us but there is nothing that can truly break us. What doesn’t kill you definitely makes you stronger…

      It takes time..don’t rush it…enjoy the ride..celebrate the wins. ..

  2. ● Do you make cutting remarks or hurtful “jokes”?

    — yes I can be very sarcastic when I’m fed up with friends and that tends to be hurtful to those around me. I can dish it out but a lot of times can’t take it.

    ● Do you criticize them?

    —– not really but I tend to always be telling my wolf “friend” things I need from him emotionally and it just seems like I’m nagging ( even tho he says he likes it when I speak my mind and that I don’t do it much, but when I do go on a tirade he looks like a little kid getting scolded and I feel bad afterwards.)

    ● Do you withdraw from them or threaten to leave?

    —- I’be never threaten to leave but I do withdraw instead of just speaking on my feelings.

    ● Do you let frustration build until you blow up at them?

    —- 👆🏾This is me to a T. I just keep stuff in until one day I’ll just snap and it all comes out angrier than I intended it to.

      1. Yeah it’s scary at times how you will post an experience or open up to us and I’ll look at the screen and be thinking ” if this boy don’t get out of my head.” Lol

        Our problem is we overthink our actions to much sometimes when need to act freely without overthinking about the consequences. The people who have hurt us are the ones who can rest easy at night while we’re tossing and turning trying to figure out what we could have done different. They have minor let saying no or being the bitch at times because they stand firm in their actions, with time I think we’ll get there.

        1. ^”The people who have hurt us are the ones who can rest easy at night while we’re tossing and turning trying to figure out what we could have done different”

          if THAT ain’t the truth.
          i’m glad i started this book again.
          it’s slowly changing me…

  3. I’m enjoying the long conversation between J and Tony. Got my pussy all wet. But one activity you would force me to break from is my chocolate addiction. I don’t care what you guys say, back off or I will feed you to the piranhas.

  4. Breaking Free Activity #12
    Do you believe it is OK for you to have needs?
    Yes.

    Do you believe people want to help you meet your needs?
    No.

    Do you believe this world is a place of abundance?
    I guess?

    Breaking Free Activity #15
    ● Do you withdraw from them or threaten to leave?
    ● Do you let frustration build until you blow up at them?

    These two^
    I feel it’s best to not say anything at all to avoid having an argument. But my frustration builds and builds to the point where it ends up turning into an argument anyway. This also takes me back to the previous Nice Guy entry where I said I’ll change my opinion to avoid having conflict. I’d much rather everybody get along. That and I hate being the odd man out. I’ve been like that since I was a child.

    1. ^thank you for answering zen!
      im thankful you also have joined me on this.
      it has been helping me a lot.
      i’m not 100%,
      but i’m a couple blocks away.

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