f0xmail: I Push Dudes Away, but I Still Want Love. Help!

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FOXMAIL

Hey, Jamari

Just want to start off by saying love you’re website, which i found randomly browsing. But to get back on topic Im 28 year old, attractive,  single black gay male. i find so much that you’re going through, the same shit im going through (exactly) except work wolf. my last serious relationship was 2008, after that its just been random sexual escapades and short lived relationships due to my disconnection to them. i have like a low tolerance for  bull shit i cut people and guys i talk to off like nothing if they aint making sense. when i dated i always push the guy away or just be so cold hearted but it just made them attached even more. every week it was white guy, gym rat, thug, dominican, fem, straight, bi, other ethnicity guy, threesomes etc .  like pulling guys was nothing, but now i feel so  lonely, sad, depressed,  like when i look in the mirror. its a sadness in my eyes…that i just cant shake. i went from like this GQ /eclectic / stylish guy to this often portrayed dark goth guy.  So now things have change, not that everyone needs to know my sexual preference nor am i ashamed but people response when i say a guy is cute or he can get it, just be complete shock like omg youre gay? i thought you just like white women 0_0 so on top of everything everybody think im straight black guy that like white women. and the guys seem a.) intimidated. b) think im already taken c) stuck up. d) straight so its just like what the hell. i guess the whole point of this letter is to get an opinion  cause i never talk about my problems, relationships because im the strong friend, in a good place, but at the end of the night im lonely, incomplete, want love, just someone to give me heart too, and build something great. even though i can be cold i know i can care, and be a good boyfriend but my mood sometime effect how i interact with a guy. like not to long ago, minutes i just had a hookup a guy came over to give me some neck and i returned the favor. now its over i feel incomplete,  like why did i do that? its almost a feeling of disgust like every time i hook up. i even threw up few times after. i know crazy i may just be losing my mind jamari just wanna hear what you have to say.

MY ANSWER…

well this was a good one.
raw.
deep.
honest.
i like to read these foxmails.
someone out there is going through the same thing

you know reader,
you remind me of work wolf in a sense.
he gets with these vixens,
its always a honeymoon period,
texting and all that,
and then he gets bored.
he drops them and they get more attached.
he just asked me the other day:

“why do you think i do this?
i get bored with vixens and i’m over it?”

i told him:

“i don’t know.
maybe that is something you need to explore within yourself.”

i knew tho.

he has walls up.
he admitted it to me before.
i’m surprised he even let me inside.
he just started sharing more personal things with me.

reader.
you are not alone.
many have been there.
hell i’m there,
kinda sorta.
you seem to have something blocking you,
which in turn makes you come off cold.
you let animals in,
entertain them,
but you quickly want them out after it’s done.
there is something blocking you from “feeling something”.

what is it?

well only you know.
it also doesn’t help that its also showing through your body language.
animals always think that “the good looking” have it easy.
sure you can get perks being attractive,
but many people expect your life to be perfect.
they also assume many things about you that aren’t true.
in your case,
that you are:

straight
intimidating
already taken
stuck up

and the random-est:

you only play in the snow

besides the last one,
i’ve also been there.
it only leads to isolation because you feel no one understands you.
well reader,
i get you.
i get your struggle.
its definitely not an easy one,
but i know what its like to be so guarded.
i also know what its like to feel disgusted with yourself after sex.
maybe you’re not cut out for the fast life?
you said you feel “incomplete” doing hook ups.
those usually just a quick nut.
there is no connection besides being a blow up doll.
you seem like you want more,
but that “something” is not letting it happen again.

in order for you to go forward,
you need to take a minute to look within yourself.
in order for your phoenix to truly rise,
you have to conquer all those inner demons.
i can’t help you there,
but i will say take some time to search for the answers.
maybe…

2016 needs to be the year you dig deep to find who you are?

its okay to be guarded,
but it’s not okay to be a prisoner behind your insecurities.
#trustme
i hope this helped!
i would love to hear some responses from readers who been there.

What was the road like in trying to find yourself?

those testimonies are needed for those in the shadows.

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best,
jamarif fox

24 thoughts on “f0xmail: I Push Dudes Away, but I Still Want Love. Help!

  1. People always talk about being guarded, but the behavior can be avoided if people feel others out more. As I have said before, in this lifestyle men have the habit of moving too quickly that they end up in a situation they do not know how to handle. Even though I am not into the hookup lifestyle, I can imagine that it is difficult to have relations with someone that is absolutely meaningless. In due time, you will find the right one to settle down with, but it is a process, and everyone waiting will eventually stumble across that special person.

  2. You are the only one holding yourself back. If you’re as gorgeous as you say, and if pulling guys is that easy, then you need to figure out your MIND first, deal with your demons, and try again. Also I wouldn’t advise hooking up if you feel that way about it. Learn to find validation in your time alone with yourself while you find the “right person”, because it is clear that you don’t want to hook up (at least, to me).
    Realize that if it’s so easy for you to “pull” people, then you should just stop making excuses, because there are some people who wouldn’t even get the time of day, that you get, on TOP of depression issues, imagine how THAT must feel! It’s a tough thing to come out of depression, I know out of experience, but it IS a CHOICE! Choose wisely my friend.

  3. First I just want to say you might have an issue lots of men deal with. What I’m talking about is how you feel guilty, depressed, and disgusted right after you’re done getting it in. I forgot what they call it, there’s science behind it, try to Google it.

    Don’t feel so bad about going through some pineapples. Nobody finds Mr. Right on the first try, you’ll probably find him when you aren’t expecting it

    1. ^that is very deep.
      i often have felt disgusted after i have sex.
      for me,
      it was because it was a hook up.
      i’m def not good at those and that’s why i chose to stop.

  4. Wow I was in my feelings reading this, I could relate to many of the things he said. I know personally for me, the hardest thing I have had to overcome is insecurities that past dudes brought out, so I do have a wall up. I was at a get together this weekend with some friends and this new friend I met a couple of months ago, I have been hanging out with asked me about this dude I met when we were all out for the MLK weekend. He was like dont let that get away, he was hot. I was like well it hard for me to get excited about anyone, I admitted that being in this lifestyle has me a little jaded with dudes and he commenced to go off on me telling me that I was attractive and everybody sees it except me, I need to let these walls down and stop being stuck in the past, I had previously told him about a serious relationship I was in and how it was still hard for me to trust, in essence he sort of put me on blast. I was a little pissed being that he is a cool dude but I have not been knowing him that long for him to talk to me like that. The things he was saying are true but it was like saying it out loud in front of others made me feel some kind of way. I have been thinking about what he said however and I have been trying to look within to get a new attitude. This new guy I met told me that he has been seeing me for a while but he just always assumed I was taken, he has shown me nothing but good but it is so hard for me to accept his like of me and the compliments he gives me. I admit I am so scared to open up to him, he is 10 years younger and the few times, I have seen him out, many dudes are always in his face because he is a nice looking young man. He tells me he only sees me and was glad that I finally just gave him a minute of my time. If I am honest, I am scared, scared that he likes me, scared that he is younger, scared that I dont want to open myself up to be hurt. Its funny what you can share with complete strangers but will never tell your friends. I put up this strong front as well with my friends being the go to friend everybody leans on and talks too, but nobody ever takes the time to see that I am hurting, lonely and need someone too. As I have said so many times, the Foxhole is like my therapy the unseen faces I can share my secrets with. To the letter writer-Bro I hope you just take a daily journey to appreciate and love yourself, it is hard but worth it, I am trying to work on it everyday myself and I still struggle so much but I am not what I used to be. I have determined that 2016 is going to be do or die,and I aint ready to die.

    1. You sound like a loveable person Tajan. Your words are touching.
      Why do you think you’re holding yourself back? Why WOULDN’T someone like you? I’ve read a lot of your comments of this nature and you seem like an authentic person. A lot of us do this to ourselves, I think it’s a human thing, but usually it’s for no reason. I don’t know you, but it sounds like you’ve got the goods, so go get that guy you want. If you’re in shape, and have a nice personality, and intelligent, you shouldn’t feel like you don’t have at least a shot! You ARE the competition brother!

      1. @Dignified Bro thank you, with my story its a combination of things of growing up in a typical Black family that makes you feel bad and guilty for being Gay, I was loved by my parents and family but everything I heard about Gay people was negative, so I already started out with feelings of worthlessness being Gay and then being naive about how dudes will do you, it did damaged my psyche and it has taken years to become a whole person again.

      2. Oh I see. I feel you man. Just know that your sexuality does not define you. You are a good person, it resonates in your comments, and that really is more important than being gay. A lot of the times, our family’s just don’t know better when it comes to certain social issues, and it’s not necessarily their fault. Upbringing, religious values, media, and public perception, the era they grew up in, and personal influences largely shape their views. We are in a different time. You will attract the right people in your circle, and because you are genuine you deserve the right people. If you want that young fox, go out and get him! He will see what other’s see, even if you don’t!

        If you try to convince yourself that your sexuality has little meaning in the grand scheme of life, you will realize that the only importance it has, is the importance and associations we attach to it. Define your sexuality for yourself because YOU are the one who is gay/bi, YOU are the one that knows better, not necessarily your family. You now know better than them.It doesn’t have to be a bad thing! It just is. Such is nature.

  5. I don’t believe in that there’s someone for everyone crap. It’s a random occurrence to me.

    Most men in this lifestyle don’t love themselves. Sure, some of them like themselves but there’s a difference.

    I’m not even saying it as if I’m an exception because it was a realization I recently had to come to terms with.

    When you REALLY love yourself you only deal with people who give you the respect you deserve.

    When you clinging to and sleeping with men who could care less about you out of desperation and loneliness you get this stench on you that just attracts more men that are subpar overall or indifferent to you.

    Been there, done that, and repeated a million times.

    1. This right here, Jay you are my good friend in my head Bro, lol, because you be dropping some real $hit up in here. I could see us hanging out. This about loving yourself hit me like a ton of bricks, this is one of the truest statements ever stated. If we are honest with ourselves we could look back and see some of the things we do, and the bad decisions we make with men, clearly we do not really love ourselves. The first step however is admitting the truth.

  6. The Man, Dignified, Jay, Dee, Tajan, and obviously Jamari…I love you guys. Our backgrounds differ, our stories are the same. I get much of my strength and the knowledge and strength I share with my own den – right here from you. This post and thread underscore that point. 🙌🏽

  7. A lot has been said already so I hope this reader sees the common thread and that is the problem is with him. He needs a time out and face his demons. Sure it’s good to have no tolerance, blah blah blah but GIVING PAIN WONT HEAL YOURS.

    Stop giving out pain, you know what I am talking about. Only then you will find love. Hope it all works out buddy.

    1. ^can I just say this comment helped me so much k?
      like I love when y’all show out in the comments.
      you don’t know how you stopped someone from killing themselves.
      thank you for these words.
      they resonated with me real heavy.

  8. This is some interesting reading tho.

    My story is beyond different from all of y’all because my mom is a lesbian and coincidentally she gave birth to a gay son, so growing up gay I didn’t felt guilty or anything negative. Plus I grew up with a lot of gay people so I always felt like I belong because I was in a community like me. Don’t get me wrong the only reason I had a good gay childhood because I had people like you guys who hated being gay and felt guilty when they slept with men o women.

    Did they grow out of it? Some did, some are still in a work of progress, but one thing for sure they didn’t want me to experience that so I grew up feeling comfortable and cautious cause the good thing about having a gay mom and her friends is they tell you all of the bullshits, the danger and the crazy that most young gay folks are unaware of because their parents are str8 so they don’t have the knowledge to protect their gay child.

    But to make a long story short, you have to know who you are and accept what you are. Once you accomplish that cause believe me it will make a world of difference because I am one of the very few guys who is comfortable to say I AM GAY AND I FUCKING LOVE MEN without second guessing or feeling scared. Once you live in your truth then you need to figure out what is it that you are looking for in a man cause reading the letter it sound like the reader is just dating guys who are willing to date him instead of having a real attraction (not lust) and potentially see a future with when you get old. If you don’t see a future with him then he is not the one, baby. And relax with the sex cause one thing I notice within the gay community is y’all use sex for everything. Sex doesn’t fill the void.

    1. thanks B. I did. It’s excellent. Also found the transcript, printed it out and mailed it to a friend of mine who is incarcerated. Thank you for sharing.

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