i’m def not the person i was at the beginning of this year.
that fox was an insecure mess who was begging to be taken seriously.
he was discarded from a terrible job and thought he lost the world.
for the first couple of months,
i was broke af and struggling with the worse kind of anxiety.
whenever we all fell into this alternate universe,
that’s when things started to change for me.
there was a wolf i was interested in real heavy…
one of the coldest places on earth.
the lowest temperature recorded was -133.6 degrees.
you couldn’t survive in that weather with 1,000 northface coats.
one of the coldest temperatures you could feel is being on the outside.
that place where you want to feel included with your peers,
but you feel like you don’t receive the same love that others get.
that place can feel colder than ice.
i was watching i was watching issa rae’s stories today…
i use to want “something” so bad.
i don’t know how to define that “something” for the foxhole.
it was all of those things actually.
whatever it was,
i wanted to be filled with it.
i was putting everyone before me.
it was very unhealthy.
well my heart was finally broken in 2016.
i am grateful it finally did.
things have changed.
i said to myself today…
Just want to start off by saying love you’re website, which i found randomly browsing. But to get back on topic Im 28 year old, attractive, single black gay male. i find so much that you’re going through, the same shit im going through (exactly) except work wolf. my last serious relationship was 2008, after that its just been random sexual escapades and short lived relationships due to my disconnection to them. i have like a low tolerance for bull shit i cut people and guys i talk to off like nothing if they aint making sense. when i dated i always push the guy away or just be so cold hearted but it just made them attached even more. every week it was white guy, gym rat, thug, dominican, fem, straight, bi, other ethnicity guy, threesomes etc . like pulling guys was nothing, but now i feel so lonely, sad, depressed, like when i look in the mirror. its a sadness in my eyes…that i just cant shake. i went from like this GQ /eclectic / stylish guy to this often portrayed dark goth guy. So now things have change, not that everyone needs to know my sexual preference nor am i ashamed but people response when i say a guy is cute or he can get it, just be complete shock like omg youre gay? i thought you just like white women 0_0 so on top of everything everybody think im straight black guy that like white women. and the guys seem a.) intimidated. b) think im already taken c) stuck up. d) straight so its just like what the hell. i guess the whole point of this letter is to get an opinion cause i never talk about my problems, relationships because im the strong friend, in a good place, but at the end of the night im lonely, incomplete, want love, just someone to give me heart too, and build something great. even though i can be cold i know i can care, and be a good boyfriend but my mood sometime effect how i interact with a guy. like not to long ago, minutes i just had a hookup a guy came over to give me some neck and i returned the favor. now its over i feel incomplete, like why did i do that? its almost a feeling of disgust like every time i hook up. i even threw up few times after. i know crazy i may just be losing my mind jamari just wanna hear what you have to say.
new yawk city was absolutely disrespectful today.
its still even disrespecting me tonight.
when i woke up this morning,
it was a wonderful 13 degrees.
of course it took everything in my power not to go back to bed.
i will say,
i do like dressing up in “winter” gear tho.
i knew i had to bust out the long johns and boots for the work day.
the only issue?…
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