When The Heart Doesn’t Want What Use To Want

i use to want “something” so bad.
i don’t know how to define that “something” for the foxhole.

love?
loyalty?
friendship?
trust?

family?

it was all of those things actually.
whatever it was,
i wanted to be filled with it.
i was putting everyone before me.
it was very unhealthy.
well my heart was finally broken in 2016.
ironically,
i am grateful it finally did.
things have changed.
i said to myself today

“Wow,
my heart has gotten so cold now…”

now don’t get me wrong,
i am still a caring and loving fox.
there are things that make me cry at the drop of the dime.

sad news/scenes
“when the hero wins”
when two folks are about to fight in reality tv
animals (either being neglected or being loved)

i can be a big pile of goo.
when it comes to folks around me tho,
and how i’m treated,
i am a completely different beast.
i’m tougher with my heart now.
i’ve got so many on ignore or took them out my phone.
i never use to block,
but i will utilize that feature with the quickness.
letting go is easier for me now.
before,
i use to feel like i was missing something.
like,
if they left my life,
i would be making a huge mistake.
now

nope.
me leaving their life was the huge mistake.
if i feel like you have been neglecting me,
i don’t bother to even send a text/call.
i may not even respond if they come around.
all depends on if i feel like it.

it goes completely against how i use to be.

someone asked me today if mi passed away would i go to her funeral.

“nope.”

they looked at me with pure shock.
i notice i’m like this with everything else.
you cross the line with me and i’m done.
i don’t care:

-money you have
-what baller wolf you are/use to be
-the blood we both have inside us
-how long we knew each other

i don’t do neglect or abuse.
those days are done.
everyone has caught me at a brand new time in my life.
thanks to all the hyenas and jackals who made me this way.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

5 thoughts on “When The Heart Doesn’t Want What Use To Want

  1. Hmmm…..it seems that you decided to just say, “fuck it.” I know the feeling. Just saying it makes you feel liberated though. There are waaay to much toxic people in the world to even try to talk to them or even reason with them. They can’t handle it.

    1. ^i look at everything that happened to me that hurt me and do the opposite.
      so if i’m doing more chasing than being chased,
      i stop.
      if i’m hitting up more than being hit up,
      i stop.
      if i realize i’m being treated like some wack pineapple,
      i stop.

      fuck it,
      stop,
      take a minute to collect,
      and go about my day.

  2. Great post. I’ve been dealing with a couple of issues where I have to take a step back and realize that people are going to treat you how they want to treat you. It’s up to me to determine whether l should allow them to treat me that way (good or bad) because at the end of the day I’m the one who has to deal with the emotional, spiritual, or physical repercussions (short or long term). My happiness should not come at a price due to others.

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