Posted in DEAR JAMARI FOX, "HELP!"

f0xmail: I Am HIV Positive and My Boyfriends Think I’m Playing The Victim! Help!

   Published Date: October 9, 2012  5 Comments on f0xmail: I Am HIV Positive and My Boyfriends Think I’m Playing The Victim! Help!

another one.
and a deep one at that…

Hey whats Up Jamari…

Since I think of you like a friend in my head *quote on quote Wendy Williams* I wanted to come to you about a situation and I know you will be honest and was hoping you can help….

So I am HIV Positive, and have been for three years now, and it has been a hard road for me but i have been strong since I was diagnosed, I recently got out of a relationship and my ex told me that he had been hearing things from people that i am naive, and dumb..he also said that I like to play the victim and at this point its getting a little played out and some ways I don’t feel like I am, people know but its only in certain groups that people don’t like me because of it, or they think i’m nasty or a whore,but was raped by two people who didn’t tell me in a attempts I try not to be a victim and want others to feel sorry for me, but I have emotions that are sometimes very sensitive, The nature of who I am is very passive and a sensitive person, he told me the victim role I play is getting a little worn out (dassel in distress and thatI need to grow up and basically stop using it as an excuse, how do I get over being a victim, and recently he cheated on me and I brought it up to him because I guess I’m hurt and the person he is with is still having a friendship/sex with them and isn’t talking to me, I guess blaming him is a way of being a victim but however would you know know what I can do,  I’m going on 21 and I cant be miserable and depressed forever, its hard and I really want to be happy not miserable all the time, its not fun, and I want to be in love but guys seem to leave me after five months maybe i’m doing something, all I get is that I have good sex never a full term relationship, idk its alot going on and I hope this isnt to much for you either but, what should I do, any thoughts and what would you suggest?…

MY ADVICE…

this f0xmail reminded me of this track.
one of my favorites actually:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqN0jsSeqPo]

it amazes me how we are all so dependent on men.
we can‘t eat, sleep, breathe, think, shit, or act without having a “prop” by our side or in our thoughts.
i mean it’s fine because this is why we are who we are.
we are in a lifestyle dominated by our next screw or what our body parts look like.
some of us,
no matter how fine and how popular we are,
we cannot be alone for a day or two before searching for someone.
anyone.
the person we really need to be searching for 95% of the time is…. US.
it’s hard to have an identity when it’s in your ass, muscles, or pipe.

————–

first,
this story was so heartbreaking for the obvious reasons.
this a child who was forced to grow up way to quick.
his innocence was took in one of the cruelest of ways.
i’m sorry for everything you are going/have gone through.
let me get right into it…

your ex is a asshole.
straight up and down.
he is your man.
he should come to you if he senses a problem or a pattern in your behavior.
he also should put a nigga in check if they are coming at you reckless.
not cheat on you because that is the only way out.
how about be a man and do a clean break?
ALL CONTACT BE CEASE AND DISMISSED.
he is worthless and you can do better.

what i noticed, however, is you said you weren’t a victim.
you hit me up asking me how not to play a victim… but you aren’t?
you came off like a “victim” in the email.
key sentences:

  • I guess blaming him is a way of being a victim but however would you know what I can do,  I’m going on 21 and I cant be miserable and depressed forever, its hard and I really want to be happy not miserable all the time, its not fun
  • I have emotions that are sometimes very sensitive, The nature of who I am is very passive and a sensitive person

your self talk is already in a bad direction which could be the cause of your own woes.
i also feel you are attracting the WRONG guys because your energy is not in the right place.
you have a huge situation that you are dumping on these fools.
i feel you haven’t spoken to anyone about it…
…but the men you date.

time for you to stop relationships for a while.
the “stop” actually started when you read that sentence ^.
you have your whole life to date.
you will continue to have the same situations happen if you do not change the pattern.
time for a therapist.
not as scary as it sounds, trust me.
a stranger whose job is to listen without judgement.
someone else you can depend on to help you express your emotions.
during this process,
you will find yourself.
who are you?
do you know?
when you get into new relationships, you will bring yourself.
they will last longer.
you cannot expect the man you are “temporarily fucking” to become “that” person.
he will lose interest fast.
especially if he has his mind-set on one thing and you bring that scary word into the picture:

FEELINGS.
EMOTIONS.
SENSITIVITY.

… holy shit!
how scary how are those 3 words to a man?

“i feel sad…. so let me go get high/go fuck some pussy.”
“i’m mad… so let me roll this blunt and call my smut.”
“that hurt my feelings…
but i’ll be over it after i do something else to try to forget about it.”

we are not always tough guys.
men do really cry in the dark.

be brave young cub and start the process now.
it is not the end of the world.
you have a choice.
you can choose sadness or depression…
…or you can choose happiness and strength no matter what situation you are dealing with.
we are ALL dealing with something and life gets tough.
take 5 minutes to vent, whine, and bitch…
…and then let’s make moves to be better because you did learn something.

comments?

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5 thoughts on “f0xmail: I Am HIV Positive and My Boyfriends Think I’m Playing The Victim! Help!”

  1. People today will and I know try to take advantage of a person if they think that you are weak. That is the reason so many women get played by men, because of their weakness as well as men who allow people to use them too, so it comes from both side of the field be played or get played.

  2. I agree that you need to talk to someone frankly about everything – living with HIV, your hopes, dreams, and how to deal with dudes in relationships now. I also think taking a break is a good idea as you process everything & learn you a little better.

    It’s hard enough to date, let alone when HIV is entered into the equation – people are uninformed, scared, and ignorant. You’re gonna have to learn how to stand strong by yourself, cuz dudes WILL be scared off – but that’s good, cuz they weren’t meant for you.

    I wish you all the best – take care of you & your health (physical, mental, emotional) and the rest will handle itself. and let us know how you’re doing.

    Oh yeah – find some people to talk to in support groups like Luckey said – to see you’re not alone.

    1. Even strong people can be victims. It takes courage to stop being the victim. Even though the story is sad it is only one part in a beginning. You are at your bottom and the way to get out is to take the good advice and pull yourself out of it no matter how deep you think you are. It may seem dark, sad, and lonely on your journey but this too shall pass. Learn to love yourself, love yourself, lover yourself! Forgive yourself! Weakness is not a bad thing but the sign of a loving and trusting nature. It is wrong to exploit weak people. Come to the realization that every day of life is a gift to you. It is very
      important for you to choose wisely who you share your gift with. Please seek out groups that can be supportive of you HIV status. Be careful not to fall in with people who feel victimized by HIV. At your age, you are more likely to die in a accident than from HIV. Live and live well.

  3. I hate the word ‘victim’….sounds so passive and helpless. You are a survivor. A warrior that survive the war. What doesn’t kill will make you a stronger person. Victims are for dead people.

    I have nothing else to say because Jamari said a mouthful! Living with HIV is hard but it’s not the end of your life and it’s definitely not the death sentence it used to be.

    You do need to seek help and talk to someone. Maybe reach out to HIV + online support groups. You also need to face that rape situation head on and conquer it. I won’t say that it will be easy but you can do it!

    The only way to go is up baby so FLY!

  4. Oh my god. This story is so sad.

    You are a victim, but you will have to learn how not be a victim if that makes any sense. I know things are hard for you because of your situation, but I have a feeling that deep down inside you’re letting weigh you down some. Keep your confidence high and value your self worth, and grow a little backbone and stand up to these men. I also think that you should make better choices when it comes to men you get yourself involved with. Men will easily take advantage of you if they know that you’re sensitive and easy going. You are worth so much more than what you are getting from these jerks.

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