i always liked this beyonce song,
“save the hero”.
i think i mentioned that before.
the lyrics are a true testimony of my life.
you know the person who is always there for others,
acts like the super hero,
goes above and beyond to make sure they are okay,
keeps a great reputation,
but when the super hero goes home and takes their mask off…
who saves them?
i had someone who use to save me.
someone i felt comfortable to talk to and share myself with.
he has passed on and it has left me a complete mess.
my life is a fuckin mess.
do you still like me now?
i know people like living in a fantasy of others these days.
at least i have the balls to admit it.
a long piece ahead…
i was reading a comment from yesterday:
“when are you going to talk about your sex life and not someone else’s.”
wow.
it hurt me.
i use to have fun.
i was always meeting wolves.
i had so many wolves in my phone at one point.
some i would sleep with and others would never sniff my ass cheeks.
when i had a job tho,
oh i was on my bullshit.
shopping and living the single fox’s dream.
sadly that dream came without saving money in case of a rainy day.
cue:
when i lost my job and had to get on u-e,
i was put on a strict budget.
it threw me off a little,
and i was a lot of depressed,
but i still met wolves here and there.
i didn’t sleep with them off bat,
but it was fun to talk and enjoy the attention they provided.
i went to industry events when i could make them,
but i knew i couldn’t show off like they all were doing.
i wasn’t going to be “that cute broke guy who is frontin'”.
not happening.
so star fox passed.
cue:
i went into hiding.
i had a mini emotional breakdown and didn’t want to leave the crib.
i didn’t want to see anyone.
i cut a lot of people out of my life.
many of those people didn’t hear my cries as i always heard theirs.
i especially didn’t want to hear what they bought or who they were dating.
see the problem with me is i learned to always appear strong to strangers.
i didn’t want them to see my weakness.
this is why they came to me when they had issues.
they built me up as this super hero.
they trusted me.
problem is that when i felt hurt and wanted to share my own problems,
it would either get ignored or people had question marks.
i decided to share my drama on this platform.
i mean where else can i do it?
i like talking about sex and men like the next,
but a nigga has been having some issues he just can’t ignore.
if you can’t handle those issues then you can’t handle me.
my thing is if you can’t deal with me at my lowest,
you damn sure won’t be around me at my highest.
recently i decided to go back to church.
i thought starting there would help me sort my issues out.
as much as i pray,
god still has me feeling like i’m the enemy.
“where are you?” i’d shout.
“you having all these assholes out here eatin’ good,
but the one who actually acknowledges you,
you treat like pure shit.”
i’m almost tired of asking and fighting now.
so when my vixen friend hit me up this morning and said she was in therapy,
it kind of shocked me.
here is the girl that always appears to be strong when we speak.
she moved away from the city years ago with her son,
her life is together,
she is in college for her bachelors,
and she is super smart.
she needs therapy?
i guess she is my super hero that needs to take her mask off.
i want to live the life i use to have.
i miss it.
i’m not happy or satisfied.
it actually depresses me how low i have gotten.
when star fox died,
it seemed to enhance things more.
is this grief?
or two blocks near crazy?
i’m broken and in a million pieces that maybe i do need to see someone.
i need helping finding myself and a direction again.
when i found out the same beyonce,
the one everyone calls “king” use to have a therapist,
it made me see that everyone needs to take their mask off once in a while.
lowkey: jesus.
i’m evelyn lozada this season of bbw.
ugh.
well shit ima be a ugly cry snotty mess on this site then.
i’m paying for it.
did u marry ya friend, you can get free services off the military benfits, why arent you using them? in addition u also get one up on applying to government jobs because ur spouse is in the military.
^dont even get me started on that bullshit…
Totally agree Jamari. Please find a professional who can help you get through this. If you need help let us know. I know this site provides you some sense of therapy, but nothing can replace the guidance of an actual professional. Before you can offer a space for folks like us to vent, and get through our own realities, YOU need to work on YOU first. Seriously. Whatever it takes.
I’m confident you can and will get through this. This isn’t a game. It’s time for action. :-). Again, let us know if you need help with research or anything.
Trust Me Jamari, We Have All Been Down This Road Someway or Another and It Will Get Better Because You Are A Strong Person And I Can Tell By Your Writing That You Are A Very Smart Man. Suicide Solves Nothing And Remember That
“God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers”
If It Wasn’t For You Alot Of Men That You See On Your Site Wouldn’t Have A Place To Be Able To Feel Like Themselves and A Sense of Brotherhood In This LifeStyle And What You Have Created Has Become Like A Safe Haven For Many Like My Self Who Dont have that in their daily lives.
I’m praying for you and i hope that you get the help that you need and know that we at the foxhole are always here for you.
Yea I agree with everyone else. If you feel this bad all I can do is suggest you seek some therapy because that might be the only thing that will help at this point. You can’t continue to feel this down man. Keep this in mind too, you are blessed despite the fact things aren’t going too well. You have a roof over your head, you eat each day, and you have clothes on your back.
Wow I know the feeling oh to well. I agree with Old Head about the stigma in the black community about therapy. I’m considered the therapist among my friends and associates in my circle, but when I talk or try to talk to them, I don’t always get the same in return so I just work it out myself. You’re gonna find your way though man, it may take a while, but you’ll get there.
Listen to Y Colette, Jamari. Seek out a therapist, ASAP. New York should definitely have free services available, especially for those who are unemployed. Please do not delay. Black people in general have this stigma about therapists. The frequent refrain is something like, “I’m not crazy.” Many of us could benefit. It’s not a sign of weakness; it’s an intelligent, proactive step. Again, Jamari, please take it. You have too much life ahead of you and too much value to society.
^i will oh.
googling now actually.
thank you.
Does therapy really help?I couldn’t imagine spilling my guts to somebody.Do they give advice or is it more like a let shit off your chest hour and then leave.Does it actually help?Hell, I just need a big ass long hug from a man and I’d be cool… for a little while.
^i don’t want “little while” anymore.
getting deep dick lasts a little while.
i want someone to help me find my way.
either that or suicide.
Like always well said. But honestly and repectfully you should go to therapy. Mental health is important and something us blk Americans overlook. You have been through a lot. Your strong in my eyes (and i don’t even know you personally) and know you’ll be back at 100 soon. Just takes time, patience and faith. Keep it up Jamari.
Please go see a Grief Counselor.Google free grief counseling NYC ASAP.It doesnt help being in NYC on the anniversary of 9/11 .:(
^thank you.
im so out of it these last few days,
i forgot today was 9/11.