today i was free so i was talking to jay,
a regular in the foxhole comment box.
we were talking about trying to find a good therapist.
oh you judging?
you could stand to use a session or two.
uh huh.
no but seriously…
we both agreed that we need a therapist who could relate to “us”.
i personally don’t want a:
straight wolf
black vixen
lesbian
or anything of the snow like
i would love someone who was black,
gay,
and can relate to my issues rather than judge.
someone who knows what an attractive black discreet fox deals with.
as we both came to a mutual agreement,
he said the following and i swear,
everything came to a complete stop…
“I mean he honestly doesn’t have to be attractive, but it would be nice to have a psychiatrist that at least has experience dealing with gay/bi issues. What is some ancient white woman or man gonna do for me? They don’t know the level of vanity and self consciousness we deal with. We deal with a unique kind of loneliness and depression in my opinion.”
…and there it was.
everything i have felt or wanted to express in the last two sentences.
it hit me straight in the gut.
explained why people say my eyes look sad.
i don’t know about you,
but this life we live can be a very lonely place.
it can makes us depressed and sometimes even suicidal.
no amount of “you need to love yourself!” can cure needing companionship.
bad enough people in the same life judge because we aren’t actively fuckin’.
vixens think thats all we do as well.
party and fuck.
fuck and party.
throw in some fashion here and there.
they think we all “yassssssssssssssssssss bitch”.
.
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um…
noooooooooooooooo bitch.
they diss the d/l,
but get intrigued when we are fuckin’ them.
they want to be us,
but still compete and will stab us in the back at any given notice.
guess what tho?
they wouldn’t survive a minute in our shoes.
they wouldn’t know what to do if they were treated like they were invisible.
getting hooked on wolves who are question marks and confusion.
“does he know i’m alive and does he get down?
does he know i’m alive and does he get down not?”
becoming addicted to looking at fantasies on instagram and tumblr.
listen the foxhole spans from the hood to hollywood.
a majority of us are lonely out here.
we have to watch vixens scoop all these fine ass wolves.
all straight.
do not pass go.
biscuits offically burned.
you can deny it all you want,
or get fooled by the facades,
but its natural to want someone to love you.
no strings attached.
no ulterior motives.
no “jack’d and a4a” way of living.
when you are alone you know thats when you feel it.
that sadness that bonds us all together.
the thing that makes us all say “yeah i know what you mean”.
it ain’t easy at all,
but we try and make it work for us everyday.
lowkey: i still keep optimistic tho.
i will meet someone and we will be gravy.
this season for me is a lonely one tho.
i see how mean and bitter some people are.
i never ever ever want to get to that point.
Even as a Psychology major and someone that works in the mental health field, I feel there’s a stigma with seeking help for mental health issues. I often wonder if my job will have something to say if they see I’ve been using my health insurance for a psychiatrist.
Honestly, I’ve found my issues get harder to deal with as I get older. Shit, I used to be able to have sex, bust a few nuts and be over it but now that doesn’t even work.
The whole point of going to a therapist is to be able to vent to someone that can be objective, offer insight you never even thought of, and teach you different healthier coping skills.
As for what The Man said, I always take into account that he’s one of the younger regulars at 21-22. Shit, at that age I was in undergrad and I thought I was invincible! Nothing phased me at all. I learned the hard way life will lay you on your ass but you can’t stay there.
Jay you are only like 4 years older than me. We’re not that far apart in age bruh. My age has nothing to do with this. The person I am now is pretty much the person I have been since childhood, I’m just matured more. That’s it. Things do phase me, but not the shit that most dudes in the life go though. Comparing lives to other people, letting dudes you have relations with tear your self-esteem, feeling like you are not masculine enough. I don’t know what it feels to go through, nor should I. I know what I am, no one can tell me otherwise man. I’m not phased by the shenanigans and shit. That’s the mindset you have to have as well.
Well, once again I woke up to another post that has turned into a pity party. SMH. I’m absolutely fed up with what I have read from most of you. Here is the thing, y’all want someone to sympathize with you, but you need someone who is going to give a reality check. Sure, I am aware of some of the things men in the life go through, but you do not have to be a damn victim because of it. Sam Spade and Mikey comparing their lives to their people. What in the hell do their lives have to do with yours? Nothing…at all. Y’all on social media looking at other men in the life who appear(I use that term loosely) to be living a happy life compared to yours. All you are doing is bringing misery among yourselves. Worry about yourself, and what you can do to get yourself to the next level, whether it is a career, love, financially stability etc. If you don’t take action, you are going to be stuck in the same place you are years from now. Watch.
Us Wolves are not cuffing Foxes who struggle with self-worth, don’t love themselves, and manage to find unhappiness in every situation, even a good one. That shit is not cute, it’s not. If a man is not sure of himself, he has nothing going for him but a future full of sadness. I want a Fox who is going to complement me and help me grow, not one who will drag my self-esteem into the gutter. This will be the last time I comment on this topic period because I’ve said it repeatedly for years, and no one seems to GET IT. Hopefully it reached somebody who is lurking though.
Jamari, on to you. One minute you post motivational true shit about excelling in your career, finding love and fighting to get where you want to be, which has me believing you are going in the right direction. Then, the next minute you are right back in this dark place feeling trapped. Either you are going to put those grown draws on or the cycle is going to keep repeating itself. Yea, I know you miss Star Fox and you should. I miss my mother, but I quickly got to the point where I was not grieving and was able to move on. You have not accepted the fact that he is gone and you have to do that. Don’t stress over the stuff you cannot change, but find a way to fix it. You have to find a way to get closure on your own.
^man I don’t agree with you here at all.
I don’t think anyone here was complaining at all.
I think everyone just wants better.
we were embracing therapy and wanting better for our lives.
this life is lonely as fuck.
how you do things and your way of life may not work for someone else.
i find it therapeutic venting.
it helps when others can relate and say:
“Oh I’m glad I’m not the one.”
this is the biggest issue with our community.
trying to pretend everything is all good.
having a nice body and fucking everyone to ignore the sadness we feel.
it’s only when someone explodes or kills themselves,
that is when people start to pay attention.
I applaud everyone who said they would look into therapy.
sometimes you need to speak to someone.
it’s not a bad thing.
Therapy is not a bad thing. However, people have to acknowledge the fact that the mindset you have contributes to you sadness, that’s true. If you don’t recognize that, you wasting your money with therapy. When you leave the therapist office and go home and get on the social networks, sit in the dark, and think of being lonely, how are you going to grow? It starts with you first. A therapist is going to tell you the same thing, just now the tone I will. They’ll cradle you, but I’m not doing that. I’m gonna give it to you straight.
@THe Man I understand what your saying but your coming off just a little too harsh on Jamari. I know you moved on from your mothers death but everyone grieves differential. He lost both of his parents and his best friend, he lost 3 people who meant the world to him that has to be a major blow. Jamari also doesn’t have any siblings and he seems like he is not close to any of relatives. Then, dealing with his job issues and being lonely in this lifestyle our boy is probably have bouts of depression, and probably does need to talk to someone which he is stating that he wants to do. The Man when you said us foxes comparing our lives to other foxes on social media that hit home so hard for me because that’s what I do, and I also do that with the all the people I went to school with who are in relationships, married and having kids. With all that being said be easy on Jamari this lifestyle is not an easy one to live.
I don’t think I’m being harder on him than I am usually. We are all men Eric.Tough love is always the best. That’s the way I learned when I was a kid, and that’s what I give to other people. That’s how you grow and evolve. It may sound harsh, but years down the road you will back to see that it was validity to it.
I’m really glad you admitted to comparing your life to others. I knew dudes did that, as a lot of people do. I wanted it to hit home with everyone who does it because it’s not right. That’s where the sadness and depression partially comes from, believe it or not. You have to quit doing that. Being envious is never a good thing.
The problem with people in general mostly African-American are not taught things as children. If in your household growing up did not express love coming from the parent to child/ren can have adverse effect on an adult life once you reach that. This why when a baby is born and if the mother do not cuddle and caress that infant he or she starts to develop this hard core feeling towards self and others. Self-Esteem, Self-Worth, Self-Perseverance and anything pertaining to self is not taught as an infant -the growing up to the adolescent stages in development this causes issues. A person must think highly of oneself if no one else does. I was working with the youth at my church just up until about June of this year and I taught in the youth ministry, but every so often I would base my lesson from the Bible, but we talked about this things concerning self. I could keep going on and on.
I agree with much if not all of what has been written above.
Good post. This life is most certainly lonely when all you want is someone to share love with. For me, I try to stay around family and friends, and work my behind off. Remaining positive and venting is key, but that gets difficult sometimes.
This is way I like coming to this blog… This post was dead on and this is what exactly what I have been going through as of late… Sam Spade and Mikey your comments were also right on point
I could be wrong, but from what I am taking it sound like you need a best friend more than a psychiatrist. Psychiatrist is definitely good to have to listen, but to relate tho? That situation is more in the best friend category
I agree with you.
^i need both at this point.
I would love to meet an extroverted fox like my best friend.
even a wolf who is mature but still like to have a good time…
Let me just say that I am a huge advocate for therapy. We as black people see therapy as a cliché white person’s thing when it is not because there are real issues that all people should seek help for if they feel they need it. I mean yes, it’s nice to have friends to speak with and what not but sometimes you need a point of view that is totally not objective. The feelings you are feeling are justifiable and it is so easy for someone to tell you to get over it, but you never know how it feels until it happens to you. I understand why you want to speak to someone like you because only then will they truly know what it really feels like to be two things that the majority of America seem to be afraid of, to be black and gay. It’s not easy at all but we are resilient people so we get through whatever obstacles are thrown at us, but the constant feeling of wanting to approach people but can’t, wondering “is he or isn’t he”, and feeling like you deserve more than just being a notch in someone’s belt will take it’s toll on you. I encourage you to seek any type of help that you may need. Find solace in knowing that you aren’t alone and that there are people out here that feel like you…hell even people in relationships share the same feeling. Find your peace in whatever makes you happy. Music is my safe place and it helps me get through anything and everything…hopefully you find something that can do the same for you. Prayers going up for you man keep doing what you’re doing…I really love your blog!!
^thank you jay for the comment!
my safe place is music as well.
I have so many different genres and even started messing with classical.
i think it’s time for me to seek a therapist because I need someone to help me sort my feelings out and allow me to find what I’m looking for.
I have a lot of things I need help with and I need a professional to help me with them.
I haven’t exactly grieved my friend.
even my parents.
I was just thrown in the world to fend for myself.
black people think going to church is the only thing that helps.
far from the case…
Yes I can relate. All too well.
This post is definitely in my top five this year. I agree with marjority of the others above, us living in this straight world we want what we see. It’s can be so hard to see all my vixen friends have all these men or not have to go throught the hell I have to if finding someone I’m 1.) attracted to and 2.) generally like. They expect me to settle for any old gay guy that comes my way. Like just because we’re both gay we’re going to have things in common with each other.
I think it’s actually a good idea for you to find a therapist who either gay or in the lifestyle maybe even another fox. They’ll be able to relate and understand exactly what you’re going through and be able to give you ways to cope and get through it.
But if you can’t find one who’s gay I say just test the waters and see what kind of therapists are out there. Someone doesn’t have to be just like you or similar to you to be able to relate or give you that advice.
^thanks mikey!
I will def look into it.
I was telling jay it maybe easier to find a great black gay therapist in atl…
While many people, particularly men, FOOLISHLY view going to a therapist/psychiatrist as being “weak”…I for one am glad I did after both my dad and best friend passed. I damn near thought I was going to lose my mind. Best use of my medical benefits ever! lol
I don’t we as black SGL men should try to emulate white gay men’s fantastic lives (or what we assume is gravy in their world) in order to find solace and true peace. I think we have to have a variety of TRUSTWORTHY folks we can vent with. J, I think you’re manifesting the emptiness you feel as a result of losing Star Fox. You really need to focus alllll of your energy on what you want to do career-wise, take some risks, and find happiness in purpose and destiny. When you move in that direction, you’ll find your ideal mate in no time. DO YOU!
^thanks o.
I really miss him and you could be very much right…
This analysis is on point. I know that straight people experience loneliness as well, but I still don’t think it compares to what gays go through. I guess part of it is because we live in a “straight” world. Seeing other couples together just makes it worse for me. I’m part of the planning committee at our office party this year and I am keeping up with the guest list. So many of my coworkers are bringing their spouses or girlfriend/boyfriend. I have no one to bring. Even if I had a man, I am not out so I still probably wouldn’t bring him. IDK…sometimes I get so sick of this life. My 15 year old sister has a little boyfriend from school. He is really a nice, polite dude. It makes me smile inside to see her experiencing her first little relationship and how giddy she gets about him. However, at the same time, I sit and ask myself why couldn’t I have had those “normal” experiences that all my straight friends had. This gay thing can really take a toll on you. I have honestly thought of talking to someone myself just to get some shit off my chest. Just to vent all my frustrations.
^i feel the exact same way.
it’s really frustrating and makes you feel hopeless.
im def an advocate for therapy sam.
the black community shuns it but i don’t see a problem.
Question. Would any gay therapist do? Does it have to be one who can exactly relate to you, or can it be just someone who is in the lifestyle? I suggest it would be someone who who is sure of themselves, knows their worth, and keeps their distance from all the shenanigans that the average gay men goes through. If you talked to a person who you can exactly relate to, where is the growth doing to come from? I think that all men need that confident friend/acquaintance in their lives who can show them how to love themselves and to gain a self-esteem, and now allow bullshit the life usually comes with bother them. I’ve never had the struggle because I still have my straight man mentality. I don’t get caught up in the life by what I hear from others or what I see on the social media networks etc. I just do me and validate my own self.