my anxiety is back in full force again.
i’m not sleeping through the whole night.
i’m waking up to throw up at like 4 or 5 am.
during another night of stomach issues,
i woke up with something on my mind.
it’s been on my mind for a while now.
after my hiv scare years ago,
i haven’t felt as comfortable to have random sex.
scrolling through dating and sex apps don’t excite me as they once did.
i don’t have many male gay friends to go out with.
i thought i met a poi i was 100% attracted to,
but he might be entertaining a vixen these days.
i had to wonder...
Hope your doing well. I’ve been a big fan of your blog for a long time. It speaks so much volumes as a black gay male. Something I’ve struggled with is feeling like i dont quite measure up to my peers, family, and colleagues in the relationship department. Looking back I realize that I dont really have any long tenured relationships. I’m not sure you could relate to this. I’ll be turning 30 next year and have been bombarded with strong feelings of loneliness recently. Can you relate?
“you are sitting there.
you are the object of desire.
everyone wants to try for your attention.
funny thing is…
they would rather play the easy game than the challenge.
you make people want to step up.
get their shit together because they know…
you not like everyone else.
the only problem is…
you are too much of a prize to really pursue.
how crazy is that?”
they say if you think you are a “prize”,
others will view you just the same.
does that really work in this life?
hell is it even working for the straights?
well i don’t know what to think about it anymore.
being the person that sits on the top shelf.
the one who pays their bills on time,
credit is exceptional,
everything is in their name,
and they are living that independent hustle.
realistically that all could be used against you when you are trying to date.
who woulda thunk?
Continue reading “The Prize Yet To Be Claimed”
today i was free so i was talking to jay,
a regular in the foxhole comment box.
we were talking about trying to find a good therapist.
oh you judging?
you could stand to use a session or two.
no but seriously…
we both agreed that we need a therapist who could relate to “us”.
i personally don’t want a:
or anything of the snow like
i would love someone who was black,
and can relate to my issues rather than judge.
someone who knows what an attractive black discreet fox deals with.
as we both came to a mutual agreement,
he said the following and i swear,
everything came to a complete stop…