i couldn’t sleep.
it didn’t help that i read the 40+ comments to that last entry as they came in.
the whole night i thought about the rapper.
i thought about things he told me and things he spoke about.
i thought his life, his decisions, and his outcome.
as big as his list is,
his life isn’t where he needs it to be.
he is still trying to be taking seriously as a rapper.
he never had a serious job in his life.
how he makes money is a mystery.
he got frustrated over something trivial.
not to mention, he came in and dropped his coat on the floor.
no apartment or car.
i felt like i was in high school again.
he was the “pre baller wolf that came over to get tutored“.
i was the “geek who sat in the front of the class“.
he seems to just be going through life without a solid plan.
he is not a “man”.
he has actually dated a couple foxes in the past.
hell, i watched him fuck one’s brains out raw like it was a top rated myvidster flick.
“oh daddy! oh shit nigga! i love this dick!”
“________________” – no reply from him.
his pipe did the replying and judging from how he fucked him,
it loved him….
(lowkey: his ex is FINE as hell.
caramel, nice body, and looks like something being reblogged on tumblr.
hell, he could be on tumblr….)
but, i had to wonder what “dated” meant to him exactly?
was it someone he was having consistent sex with?
someone with a fat ass that was “his“?
did they even have a conversation?
one thing he told me yesterday:
“jamari, i like you because you listen to me.”
is this new to him?
in a world where sex is easy,
people cum and go,
and you are only as good as your last fuck i started to wonder…
Are we just a “number“?
as i spoke to the rapper yesterday in my crib,
he could not stop texting on him phone.
“what are you doing?” – i asked.
“nothing just replying…”
“some nigga i met that wants to fuck…”
he proceeded to show me the message from some name:
I’M JERKING OFF THINKING ABOUT YOU AGAIN.
he showed me his whole list.
a lot of names.
some i heard of in the industry.
i also saw a ton of numbers.
did they mean nothing to even get logged in his phone book?
people he honestly admitted he didn’t “know” or can’t remember how they met.
“i only reply to them when i’m horny.”
“that’s not nice!”
“all they do is talk to me about sex so….”
“so they don’t deserve a conversation?”
“yeah about how ima put this dick in their mouth?”
that sort of turned me on, i won’t lie.
…but, he was right.
every text in his phone was sexual or business.
there was no “how are you?“.
“is life treating you good?”
i was shocked to see a “hey!”.
it was all texts from hungry foxes asking:
“what are you doing tonight?”
“you are so sexy…”
“i miss that dick.”
“i really want to fuck you this weekend.”
“this ass is yours nigga you know dis.”
all with pictures and videos.
fingering their cakes.
the moans of his potential conquests he may fuck sooner or later.
wolves who wanted to “explore“.
foxes who were just so thirsty.
… and then i came across my name.
i actually made him type up something without “fuck” or “cum”.
(lowkey: he is a baaaaaaadddd speller and his regular text convo is rather banal.)
i was actually interested in the person.
he knows this.
this is why he texted me at 1 in the morning last night to tell me:
“thank you for being you baby“.
no doubt at that fox’s house with a wet mouth on his penis.
i started to wonder about being taken seriously in this lifestyle.
i am not like everyone else.
is this is why i don’t fit in?
my past conquests never spoke to me like this.
i got dick pics,
but it was never a “come thru tonight” type of deal.
we always had conversations.
i won’t lie and say i never initiated the phone bone or the sext first.
but, they moved slow with me and i appreciated that.
they also respected me.
i look thru his phone and all i saw was flesh and fuck.
i saw the same characters i was attracted to,
but completely naked and just a number.
is it wrong to demand someone to take you seriously?
to have a conversation?
hell, to come over and just talk?
i’m all for sex,
but i like to take things slow in a world that likes to go very fast.
i think about the next 5 days.
everyone else seems to think about the next 5 minutes.
that bothers me sometimes because i only want to be taken seriously.
but, maybe serious is “out“.
jack off video complete with squirt “in“?
when it comes to how niggas view you in their phone list/book:
Are you just a human dildo/flesh light?